The realism of Transparency and how I faced my Goliath!

Oh goodness, where to begin! Well before this even can begin… let me just say Our GOD is sooooo good! Regardless what choices we make, regardless where we are at, regardless at every single moment of every single day… We Are Not Alone! In the scary, in the good, in the happy, and in the sorrow- Our God is waiting for us at all these events. He wants all of us. Not just the best of us, he wants YOUR weakest moments, he wants the moments You fear you may never come out of, he wants you to NEVER BE ASHAMED and to know Regardless of YOUR situation YOU Are A Child of God and HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU!

This blog is going to get very transparent with a current situation, lesson, battle!

Let’s start at the beginning of October, first and Foremost this past year was HARD, not just a normal life is rough kinda hard… it was GOD DROPPED ME TO MY KNEES HARD SOOOOO MANY TIMES!

In October I was approached by someone I semi-knew and asked how I would feel about a roommate! I was not all about this life, I was pretty unsteady in my house as it was. This person kept asking if they could move in with me, they needed help sobering up! Being the person I was- instantly if you ask for help, I have always been the one to jump to help if I can! I know what it is like to need help to be sober. I know how hard it is to give up the battle with alcohol and drugs. I know what it is like to just need someone SOBER to be my accountability! I never in my entire life, want someone to ever have to feel alone if I can avoid it! Truth be told I also figured going to school wise I was missing work, so the extra $ couldn’t hurt! So mid October when I decided to allow him to move in… I NEVER DREAMED WHAT WAS TO COME!

Sooo over the 6 months before life was hard on the level of changing my habits, changing my life, and surrendering myself completely to GOD! I had changed so many things, I had cut so many habits, and I had completely 360 from where I once was! I was on Fire for Christ! He was my center, he was my everything… < still is just giving you back story>. Right before all this occured in nov-dec, I started a new medicine πŸ’Š that was helping me my migraines but what most of the world didn’t know was… this new medicine made me extremely suicidal, unsteady, anxious. So moving someone in regardless the reason was beneficial for me as well because it would help keep me accountable with my mental health!

In this chapter of my life, I’m not perfect..please don’t think I am! I made many mistakes. I let worldly possessions have meaning, I let my guard down, and I let myself stumble! What started this chapter was simply, Having the opportunity to help get someone sober. It was a humbling opportunity and I was excited to take on the chance. I had some gut feelings about it because I knew before he moved in -he had demons inside him that he battled, I knew he cared for me in a very passionate way, and I knew this was going to be a hard struggle but all I could do was hope that even if I made a slight of a difference in his life… then maybe there was a chance he could change!

Mid October went pretty smoothly! We never really saw each other, I left my house at 430am, and didn’t get home till 5 pm or later… he worked 11-8/9 pm and by the time he got home, I was in bed.

After 3 weeks of him living in the spare bedroom upstairs, my world slowly got turned upside down in one evening! On a Thursday night, I was at my son’s basketball game doing the books. My phone started continuously going off, I had to wait till after the game to figure out what was going on. After the game was over I finally got to call and see what was up. It was the boss of the man who lived in my house. He called and told me that my roommate was extremely and uncontrollably drunk at work and had been violent with him as he was trying to get him to leave the building. He had been yelling, screaming, and scaring customers away… and so by finding this out I knew I was going to be walking into chaos when I got home. < this event was so bad, the business literally ended up being shut down for remodeling so homeboy could sober up and they Yes, they did remodel as well.>

I was sooo angry about that phone call, my anxiety was full force! as I was driving home, I was talking to one of my friends and I was a mess. Mean Violent drunks and I don’t mix. I have experienced too many bad situations that have caused me to live in survival mode since I was just a little girl.

As I got home my front door was left open, it was pitch black inside… I was terrified. It was like walking into a horror movie. The next thing I knew someone touched my back and I instantly turned around and punched πŸ‘Š full force. The new meds in my system brought out an inner hulk inside me. I fight for control after the rape of 2019. I fight for comfort in my house since that night 3.5 years prior. I fight safety and security…. and this drunk man touched me and I instantly went into fight/flight mode and the survival mode was full force. As he yelled in anger I held my own. I didn’t tolerate him putting his hands on me, I was strong enough to handle it. I was a mess, I was a full-blown mess but I stood on my own and was so freaking proud of myself for doing just that. When he moved in there were rules… rules set up for everyone’s safety. No drinking, no random visitors, all good healthy boundaries. After this night happened I told him he needed to move, he begged me to stay…it wouldn’t happen again. He wanted to better himself for him and me and the lies came running in…. here’s where I fed into it all … I blamed my meds, I blamed myself… maybe if I wasn’t on these stupid pills this wouldn’t have happened. I never got so angry that I physically hurt someone… maybe if I just understood where he was coming from… it’ll all work out. Maybe I was just holding against him what every other drunk has done. He won me over when he said go ahead and walk away, I’m used to it… at that moment in time, I just felt like nope I’ve got to help! I’ve been that person people just gave up on or walked away from and I wasn’t about to be that person for anyone else. So I gave him another chance!

For the next 6 weeks off and on I could tell he was drinking… if I called him out a fight broke out and so I just pushed myself into work, school, and church so I didn’t have time to be at home to deal with him. I was avoiding my own house and walking on egg shells to keep the peace because it was almost Christmas time and for once I was going to give my children a Christmas I thought they really deserved. At this point I was keeping him around for the rent $ and just avoiding him at all cost other wise. I’d intentionally take ty pm at 430pm so I’d be asleep before he’d get home. The week before Christmas was when life really through curve balls my way….

Christmas has been my favorite holiday for so long! I normally put up my tree the day after Halloween and enjoy the Christmas magic for a solid 2 months… this year was the first year without mom for Christmas… it was affecting me and the kids…. this year was my first year without Tece Chrismas card and text… my heart was hurting and I was in a very fragile place mentally. I was bound to make this Christmas perfect and instead this Christmas Changed Everything For Me! THIS CHRISTMAS BROKE ME … mentally, physically, and spiritually ✨️ πŸ™! This Christmas also taught me how much I was like David, and how my roommate was going to quickly turn into my Goliath!

The week before Christmas began solid… my roommate had shared with me prior that no one had ever bought him a Christmas gift, he never really celebrated the holiday… so the beginning of the week I went and purchased him a blue kuerig, and a few other things. I wanted him to see what it was like to be cared for, to be a part of a family, and too feel loved. Maybe it would open his eyes to his sobriety. The Wednesday before Christmas I gave him his gifts and he was thrilled. Life was good. I was okay with being home. He seemed to be better.

Until it wasn’t. Thrus/ Friday we had a big ice 🧊 storm… we were both stuck in the house. Thrusday night we had a disagreement and i just went to bed… That Friday morning his boss closed the Wurst place down… he immediately started drinking at 9am. He continued to drink all day long and pick fight after fight all day long. He got so drunk he spilled liquor all over his room in front of my son. By that evening I knew I needed to get the kids out of the house. I knew it wasn’t going to get better. I just kept begging him to go sleep it off. So i dropped the kids off at dad’s and told them I’d see them at noon on Christmas eve. My oldest knew what was going on and I told him it would all be okay!

What I didn’t know was how okay, it wasn’t going to be! I thought I was strong enough to handle what potentially could come my way and there was no way I was giving up control of my house or leaving knowing all the kid’s Christmas was under the tree! So I selfishly and stupidly stayed! I knew I had knocked this man out once when he got drunk and mean and worse case I’d do it again. So I just stayed in my room and waited for the storm to pass. One of my friends and I were talking on the phone… I always talk on speaker phone when I’m doing things around the house… it is just easier… well what I didn’t know was Mathew <roommate> would hear the voice of another man on the phone and go ballistic! I was literally just talking to a friend and it caused a massive outroar. As soon as I got off the phone Mat went crazy. Started telling and screaming that I constantly date losers and how I needed to realize what was in front of me and date a real man <aiming at him> in this process he was spitting, yelling, moving hands, and completely freaking out. I just kept telling him to get out of my room and leave me alone. He had done enough damage just leave me be. The next thing I knew he took his monster energy drink <that he liked to put fireball in> and chucked it across my front room then went to the other room. I was so mad, I had just cleaned everything up for christmas.. so I grabbed towels and squatted over to try to clean up the mess. He was still yelling and screaming and had come back into the front room

I truly believe it is purely by the Grace of God in that very moment that I am still alive and well. While squared cleaning up, I felt a gust if air by my right side that I moved to look behind me and there was a hammer πŸ”¨ coming directly at me.

I truly can not tell you I would be here today if it weren’t for God, For my personal training where I learned how to handle myself, and had lost the weight I had because 6 months prior I would not have been able to physically fight back. I wouldn’t have been able mentally to tolerate fighting back. I would have just let it happen. But when I saw that hammer I went straight into survival mode. I fought for that hammer, I took the bruises and I didn’t care I just kept fighting to get it away from him. We fought from the front room by my bedroom door to the front door where I tried to shove him outside to be able to lock him out. I wasn’t winning. It was not pretty. It was a mess. My soul was not okay! I finally punched him in stomach and got the hammer away! I proceeded to barcade myself in my room and just kept yelling at him to go sleep it off. He tried to pull stunts all night. I didn’t sleep much, but I did sleep next to the hammer

I then texted one of my friends before I went to sleep to let them know to check in and make sure I was okay if they didn’t hear from me. They asked me to call the police, I said it wasn’t happening. I wasn’t going to let this ruin my kid’s Christmas. So after a couple of hours of sleep, I got up and started trying to get dressed before the kids came home because I knew I had to hide the bruises and get myself together. My tremor was back and I was struggling with my anxiety because although he was sleeping it off at this point I didn’t know what was going to happen next. The kids came home a little earlier than planned and Wesley saw what a mess I was then he saw the bruises on my arm. He instantly questioned and I told him I was fine, and I’d handle it after Christmas was over. I told him we had to keep it as normal as possible because lil bit was struggling this year too! Mat finally came downstairs and “remembered nothing of what happened” or so he said. When I showed him the bruises he left on me he cried and promised he’d never do it again. He promised he would go to his room that Saturday morning and not come back downstairs until Monday morning so that I could have Christmas with my babies without all the issues.

So I did what I do best… I forgave him and pretended everything was fine. I told him it was okay. I told him just leave us be and we would talk Monday. The rest of Christmas eve went decent. I went to Christmas eve service and it hit my soul but I was too ashamed to tell anyone what happened, I was embarrassed, I was so mad at myself. How could I be so weak? I weight train 5 days a week, I was in the best shape I’d ever been in and I let a man beat on me! I let another alcoholic man violently come at me after promising it would never happen again. So I pretended to be just fine and didn’t clue a single human into what happened other than David.

I’m sure some of you look at this picture of Peanut Brittle and are like… WHAT IS THE WORLD IS THAT ALL ABOUT… This gift saved my life! Had this gift not been given to me, there’s a good chance I would have ended up beaten, or dead in reality!

You see Christmas morning we were sitting at church, during the sermon my hand tremor was going.. I started crying… David was trying to comfort me and after the sermon I went to see Shelby. Oh that girl.. let me just tell you this… that girl knows me like the back of her own hand, she knows when I’m not good and when I’m unsteady! She handed me a gift that was wrapped, I had no intentions of telling her or anyone what happened “just kept saying o myself I’m not going to ruin anyone’s Christmas, I’ll deal with it later”! Then I unwrapped her gift and it was the peanut Brittle.

The meaning behind the peanut brittle- my momma, aunt C,and grandpa McQueen baked Christmas candies every year growing up< hence where I get it from> every year they would try to make peanut Brittle and failed and normally ended in a fight. This year Victoria and I took on the challenge of seeing if we could make it since no one else in the family ever did good at it.. and we accomplished it first try! This was a big thing for us… Shelby gave me this gift to prove to me all the generational curses I was breaking, how I was proving I was better, how I was finally taking control of my life. I opened it and instantly started crying… I told her I didn’t want to be like my mom and I needed to tell her something. She stole me away to an office in the church where I showed her the bruises, she instantly said ” we don’t do this, this is not okay” we cried and hugged and I promised her Monday I would handle it but I needed to make sure my kids had a good Christmas first. She didn’t necessarily like my anwser but she respected it. She checked in frequently.

Monday morning I was planning my escape out of the house. Mat was supposed to work and the pipes were frozen so he ended up staying home. Shelby convinced me I needed to get out of the house! That’s when Shelby, Lori, and Colton made the arrangements for me to stay elsewhere until we could get this all taken care of and it was safe for me to go home. Leaving my house behind was hard, and leaving my children with other people was even harder, knowing how angry he was going to be when this went down really weighed on me. My heart was broken, my soul was crushed, and I was once again terrified to breathe! That Monday night was hard. After Shelby and Curtis got me squared away, one of my girlfriends came to sit with me so I wouldn’t be alone until late at night when I finally could attempt to sleep.

Tuesday rolled around… I wasn’t okay! We were going to the courthouse and filing for an Order of Protection. I’d never done this. I hadn’t been in that courthouse since 2009. My tremor was barely staying calm. Goodness gracious I was blessed with Shelby in my life because I saw that Paperwork and froze. All I could do was cry. She took it and started filling it out, I hated having to do it but knowing what was coming if I didn’t… I couldn’t risk it. Thank God the judge granted the OP without any problems and we just had to wait for the sheriff’s office to remove him from my house. I didn’t press charges because I was scared, and I hate that because unfortunately, he will do it again, as I had found out 6 months prior he had done it to another woman who also had an order of protection against him now.

I can tell you this much, as mad as I was at myself for not pursuing charges… I was so proud of myself because I finally loved myself enough to say “Enough is Enough” I don’t have to live this way, I don’t deserve this, this is not how God wants me to live. I’ve never fought back, I just accept what happened and assumed I deserved it. This time even though I was terrified I was blessed and equipped by God with his mighty family that they wrapped those arms around me and kept me safe until I could stand on my own 2 feet! Standing up for myself was monumental for me, and actually believing I was Worth it … is more progress than I’ve ever seen in myself! I’ve slowed men to dictate my life for over 25 years and for the first time… I was in control!

Was it hard absolutely, even looking at the pictures of my bruises was hard. I slept with the hammer every night for over a month. It took new locks, weapons hidden all over my house and keeping my Christmas tree lit for 47 days after Christmas was over to feel safe again in my own home. 48 days ago I left my house to get away from my Goliath and as of last night, I finally took down my Christmas tree! Anyone who knows me knows that bad boy goes down on Christmas day after the kids are done unwrapping because my OCD says Nope… this year I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to take it down .. he stole my favorite holiday… he stole my joy. And the idea of taking it down broke me. I cried at the thought. Finally yesterday I decided it’s time to take complete control of my life back and to let God be bigger than the boogeyman!

Now I get to continue to rebuild, remind, and let God continue to show his light through Me! If you are living a life of abused behavior, walking on eggshells just praying it will get better… stop and think to yourself… Is this God’s plan for you? I know we all hope it gets better, but the reality is… 9/10 it won’t. I was bounded by my power of second chances and that hammer could have been my last chance! Don’t be afraid to tell your people what’s really going on in your life. Your mess is your message and if you share it maybe someone else living the same way can realize how quickly their lives can change if they don’t ask for help now! God doesn’t bring harm, but he will help you withstand every single piece of it! He surrounded with me guard rails and kept me safe! My own stubbornness could have ended my life. Stop worrying about judgement and let’s just keep each other grounded and safe in God’s Everlasting Love ❀️

You deserve just as much as you give and more!

Oooof! Let’s just say this one’s… this one’s gonna be the one that gets me in the soul! It gets me every single time! As I’ve battled this war for years but extremely hard over the last 2 years!

Since I was little the only thing I ever wanted was to find true love! I was bound determined by high school that I was going to get married and have the perfect family just like 7th Heaven except I would be the youth pastor and the husband was gonna be a stay at home “mom”! Heck in 9th grade 3 of us made a contract, haha sitting in ag class that I would have 7 kids by the time I was 40, Phillip would get to name my 4th child, and I would have to pay $10 for each kid I didn’t have by 40…. <ha I’ll pay that $50 no questions asked now a days bahaha> I was so Eager to what I wanted! I was goal oriented my entire life. I wanted to have everything the inside of my house growing up wasn’t! The problem was that in this process, I created so many unhealthy standards on love! What started as great expectations, lead to the process of…. it doesn’t matter as long as I’m not alone! It wasn’t long after my first heart break, that I decided I never wanted to be alone again, regardless what it cost me inside and out!

I can honestly say I’ve never had a healthy relationship in the dating world. Alone was never my style! I’ve struggled with abandonment issues since I could remember, just ask my therapist… she will tell you I’ll skip words that start with A, every single time 🀣! Now not all my relationships have been toxic by any means, but none of them were good for my soul! 9/10 every relationship I’ve put myself in, was at the cost of me in some way, shape, or form. Im that, oh hey let’s really prove you love them real fast and set that bar high so they don’t want to leave” kinda girl! Ohhhh the heartache I’ve caused myself over the years, but oh the lessons and the growth! The things I never realized because I didn’t want to see the truth, the fact that 90% of all my relationships have been transactional! That’s a hard pill to swallow! That’s hard because I can tell you every single relationship to me, meant the world….. but in the grand scheme of things I was just a steppin stone to most, or better yet a comfort zone! I made a great comfort zone for my other halves because I poured my ❀️ and soul into them, while I settled for whatever I might be lucky enough to get! Too be honest I use to joke that I was the good luck Chuck for dudes! It always seemed like after my heart was broke they would find love rather quickly after, except it never really lasted and normally they’d pop out of the wood work months or years later! With some great excuse and I’d just accept them with open arms…. like awe, they missed me πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ when I’m reality they had just as many issues I had!

In reality I’m horrible at taking back my ex’s, oh the lies I’d tell myself… my heart cares for them, they must have realized what they lost… no silly they just know you’re gonna move every Mountian for them…. so why wouldn’t they want to come back to a place that offers comfort, content, without any expectation! Oh and if I through expectation out there, there was a quick back lash, or umm im not ready for a real relationship! Would it break my heart, absolutely πŸ’―! Did it help me to walk away, nope… im fact I just tried harder!

Oh when I say, I’d just try harder 🀣🀣🀣 there’s really no joke in that! I was doing dishes, cleaning house, doing laundry, running errans…. you name it, i did it! I have litterly put myself on the back burner for every single “relationship ” and in all honestly none of them were real relationships. I kept trying though, nothing was going to stop me from finding the one! That’s all I cared about, all I thought about, and all I wanted. It didn’t matter if they were bad for me, I could fix them… oh boy was I wrong EVERY SINGLE TIME! I created monsters, sure some blame can go there way but in reality I cared so little about myself that I allowed what they gave me! I accepted it like gold, when in reality it was dirt!

Read that again…. better yet I have to read it as “being a wife to your “situationship” doesn’t guarantee you a marriage! I normally can handle owning most things out loud, but there’s one thing that I’ve held on too pretty tightly over the last almost 2 years, and I’ve fought this conversation with every single human in my life…. “he’s changed, he’s better, he’s making strides, he’s not what he once was, oooooof!” I’ve fought tooth and nail to save something that deep down I have to admit, it truly doesn’t exist! For 2 years I’ve basically been in wifey mode for a person who doesn’t even value my existence other than at his convenience! For the first 10 months, everything was on his terms. But because those first few dates were amazing, because he told me everything I wanted to hear… I was automatically head over heels πŸ‘  😩, and smitten in so many ways! He said a few key things and in those moments I took note what he was looking for and gave him just that and more! Insert message below

Rubs not runs 🀣🀣🀣 I never noticed that too tonight!

So almost 2 years ago I decided right then and there… heck all I have to do is be good at back massages πŸ’†β€β™‚οΈ and I’ve got me a husband waiting βœ‹οΈ 😌 🀣. Oh goodness, I look back at that now and laugh. I had never given a massage in my entire life, I was normally the needy one for them but I decided heck why not. <this is actually what sparked my interest in massage school in general> This one actually had checked a yes on all the boxes on my list <job, car, house, good head in his shoulders” all I had to do was set that bar extremely high…. and I did just that! I was going above and beyond for someone that barely made time. I was constantly put in a place of, oh I’m not ready for a real relationship because my last 2 were bad. I didn’t care, I accepted it was what it was and obviously this was what I was getting. I wasn’t alone, that’s all that mattered… except the hard truth was.. I was so alone even in his presence! I knew I wanted and needed more, but I had invested so much time into this and was just going to settle because starting over was hard. I had so many feelings for this man, he was just hurt and couldn’t love me back yet … so I was just going to wait until he could! I just wanted to be near him, he was the calm to my storm, the first person I felt safe with in a very long time! My friends didn’t like him at all, my kids never met him, and it was almost like I got to live a secret life no one got to be involved in other than me. So many of my friends tried to get me to give it up, but it wasn’t happening. I loved him, it didn’t matter if he couldn’t love me back…. he would eventually .. right!

Over the last couple months as my walk as grown deeper in my faith, the more this situation weighed in my ❀️! What am I doing? What am I allowing? Why don’t I love myself enough to wait for the person who is suppose to mine? Why is alone soooo hard?! I’ve battled back and forth… I’ve avoided one week and ran to the next. Im not helping either of us grow by allowing it to continue! I’m not who I was when this started, I don’t need validation through a man’s eyes anymore! Does pieces of me want to stay, yes…. absolutely πŸ’›! But I know deep down I’m staying for comfort, not for the right reasons. I’ve never had to be the one that says goodbye, im always the one who gets left! This is probably one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make, saying good bye to a living soul. One of my favorite humans told me while discussing this situation with them…I need to push myself past the uncomfortable! I needed to wait for the fresh fruit, because I DESERVED just that! I’ve never been good at putting myself first, and I’m slowly getting better at it! Now is just the time I start seeing myself worthy of all that God has in store for me, and stop loving in fear that I have to be alone.

Finding my faith and true friendships have filled the void of needing my situationship! I don’t feel alone anymore. I don’t feel like I have to settle anymore. I find myself a priority! At the moments I’ve needed someone the most, I’ve found that it’s not a guy I’m running to anymore to save me. I run towards my faith and to the people dearest to my ❀️ because they keep me accountable not only in my faith, but in all aspects! They are pushing me to do better, be better, and love myself more every day. These big steps just keep lighting my path, burning a πŸ”₯ and pushing me to be limits. For the first time in a long time, self respect and self worth are coming to light and I couldn’t be more proud than I am right now to say… I can without a doubt walk away and be just fine! The trials are far from over with me, there’s a lot of changes still to come. This is just probably the biggest stepping stone in my walk so far, and I’m so glad I can finally see the light at the end of this tunnel! πŸ™Œ Now to be patient and see what’s to come!

Until later,

LaceySue πŸ’›

Are you living intentionally or just rolling through the motions?

Oh goodness! This word and I have became best friends! This word has been used a few times around me in the last couple months but it wasn’t until a couple weeks back it really started to hit my soul! At Bible study we would discuss your prayers being “intentional” and man that word grew inside me…. little by little! I, now more than ever, should be INTENTIONAL with everything I do! Being intentional in your life, keeps you accountable! It holds more power in its hand than just checking the boxes off your to do list! This word has really made me think, and actually pushed me to be better!

For years, I’ve always been a busy human. That’s me, go go go but in reality I was just checking the boxes, dealing with tramua by staying busy and barely living just to please a bunch of people…. I didn’t even need to please! For years I have put myself in the back ground of everything else to do for others, because there was no self worth to need to do for me! I didn’t deserve the self care, because at that time I wasn’t very nice to me! It didn’t matter, I was helping others, but was I really? I didn’t set goals or push myself, because I was too busy being involved in everyone else’s lives! I didn’t believe my life was really going to amount to much, I was a mom and that’s as fast as I thought I was gonna go! Until things started to change, and until my eyes got fully open!

It took a few massive blows to my heart/ soul to finally click! Between the wound, my mother and Tece passing, and finally the cancer scare to finally put everything into perspective!

During the battling of the 32 weeks of the wound, I had made peace with God <may I remind you I didn’t even go to church at this point>! I made peace that, if this wound was going to take me out, then I was ready to leave this earth! My depression was fully in control and I had spent the last 2.5 years doing the hard work in therapy to finally get myself back on track! At one point I joked that maybe since I was finally “a good human” I’d get to go to heaven early! Since the saying is “only the good die young.” I was tired of fighting the same battles for years, I was tired of hating myself and others, I was just exhausted at life! Then look what happened 28 weeks in and I finally started to heal, not long after that I finally was growing my faith back and going to church.

Fast forward my mother’s passing, the week before my mother passed away I found out one of my very first clients, who was like a mother to me had stage 4 pancreatic cancer… it broke my heart, my mother’s passing came quick and unexpected, then the night of my mother’s visitation I had to go say goodbye to my Tece as she was headed to Texas with her daughter. Then 2 short weeks later we lost her to cancer. July was so incredibly hard, but my faith was firm and I was handling things as well as could be expected, so I thought! July is When God stepped in hard and fast! He taught me to slow and be patient. I learned to open my heart to hear those God moments of sit still, im not done! For the first time in 17 years, I stopped trying to be busy and started listening! I started noticing the God Nudges, the moments when it was okay to just listen! July is when I slowly started to be more intentional with everything I did! After tece passed, I made myself get back on track with everything. I started setting goals, holding myself accountable a little bit more, and rushing a little bit less!

Thats when the next massive blow was coming! It was the beginning of August. This one knocked me to my knees! On August 3rd I was supose to have a colposcopy done… they called and rescheduled it and my exact words to a couple people were ” That’s a God nudge, he knows I’m not strong enough to bare what’s coming!” So fast forward to 1 week later August 10th… one month anniversary of my mother’s passing. The reschedule date for my procedure. Spent that morning writing a blog about my Tribe and how God sent me angels to prepare me for what was to come….I like to think back now that God gave a giggle that day when I wrote that blog that morning, I’m sure because it wasn’t but a few hours later…. when the words stage 1/ stage 2 cervical cancer came out of the doctors mouth that I processed why he really sent me those angels.

The day of the 10th was life changing in multiple ways, that morning Shelby sat with me as I opened a whole new level of vulnerability to her, that afternoon my heart was broken…. that stupid horrible word cancer sucks the life of of you… then what came next changed everything! My Tribe 1 by 1 jumped in fully, without even asking. 1 sat with me on the phone until I drove to the gym parking lot and could cry and process there! Another jumped in, staying on the phone then made sure my kids were taken care of, the next came to meet me for coffee so I wouldn’t be alone and the last one jumped right in quickly with… this is just gonna be another step in your story, God’s not done with you yet. Those 4 ppl and others began praying that night, and every day after until all the results came in.

It was in that very moment I felt God at my biggest, I knew Satan was playing hard and even when I would crumble my Tribe would pick me back up. With the C word on the table, I decided it was time to stop drowning and start swimming. I met with my pastor that Friday to discuss more into where I was with my recommitment and somehow vulnerability came hard and fast. I ended up sharing pieces of my testimony with him. I was finally okay with being transparent. I hid lots of things out of shame but in reality it’s all just a part of showing how truly amazing God is. Sharing with him turned into sharing with a youth pastor at our church. Which lead to not only being transparent but to becoming intentional. I became intentional because i had never in my life, out of 20 plus years of being a depressed human, wanted to my live so badly.

Once the test results came back, I went back into the doctor office to find myself getting another waste down check done. By this point I was a mess, I just wanted to results so we could get a plan on play and tackle whatever was coming my direction! The next thing I knew, our prayers were answered. God was so very good, she rechecked a couple things and looked at me and said “your cervix is healed” your test results were just precancerous! let’s talk about a sigh of relief hit the fan. It was right then and there I finally felt like that big black cloud hanging over me for months was gone. Now it was time to be more intentional and start working on me even harder.

Every single thing I do from this point on… I want it to be intentional, or it’s not worth doing! If our hearts are not intentional, why are we wasting our time!

When I go to church and Bible study, I want intention to learn and grow so that I can soak in as much knowledge and spread his magnificence.

When I Pray, I want it to be with intention! I want to have my one on one talks with Him that start at 430am when I hit my car and go until I lay my head down.

My devotions and my writting…. I want them to always be intentional. I want to take that time I’ve been blessed with and out my whole heart into it!

When I work, I want to be intentional not just rushing through the time. My job is amazing because I get to help someone different every single day.

When I workout, I want intention. I want to know I’m fully pushing myself in every aspect. I have big goals and being whiney, off set, and laxed is not going to get me those.

When I go to school, I want to be intentional. I want to succeed. I want to push myself to the fullest.

When my children watch me, I want them to see there their mom living her best life intentionally, not rolling through the motions of survival. As they’ve watched for so long. I want them to be just as proud of me. Everything I do is for them. They are my entire world πŸ’›

When I witness God’s Amazing Love, I want you see the changes from my intentions. I want you to see that when I was weak, where I feel short, and where I am are all different now because I let God back in.

I want to be intentional in every aspect of my life! God, family, friends, the gym, work, school, you name it… I want it to be intentionally for the right reasons with effort behind it!

MY STORY.. that is slowly being uncovered.. I want my story to be INTENTIONAL. I want someone to not feel alone, not feel unworthy, and to see that throughout the chaos in our lives HE’S ALWAYS THERE!

God’s Grace is so good all the time, He’s intentional with each of us. Shouldn’t we want to be the same! Actions speak louder than words. I can tell you I’ve changed, but until you see the change, it’s just words. The best part about it is, the only person I need a stamp of approval from is God! It might have taken 4 massive hits to wake me up fully, but I can tell you right now… there is absolutely nothing standing in my way of making every day as intentional as possible! No more rolling through the motions, no more obligations to the world, lots more self care and rest, and learning how to tell people no! It’s time for change, I needed a move. I needed to get to a place that was so uncomfortable to be able to stop running away and start accepting His Love fully!

Thats all for now, until later

πŸ’› LaceySue

Convictions straight to the β€οΈ

This… this right here! I think this is a phenomenal reminder to us all! To be honest, I read this and instantly felt convictions. Through the last 6 months… so much of me has changed. If you would have asked me 6 months ago where I stood in life, I can πŸ’― tell you… NOT WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW! As the last 6 months have gazed through, I can not tell you how many times I’ve heard “oh you can’t just change”, “are you really doing as good as you seem to be, or are you just putting on a front”…. or better yet when someone throws a dig my direction that aims to the past! As I struggle to handle those digs, one by one I get harder and harder on myself. I am my own worst enemy! The last 2 months Satan has been constantly fighting a hard fight in my life. One disaster after another for 6 solid weeks. There were lots of moments I had every chance to just say forget it, I don’t want to do this anymore and could have slipped right back into old habits… but instead by the Grace of God and the humans He has blessed me with…. im still right where I need to be!

But what I really need to process is…. Not everyone has the kind of Tribe ive blessed with. Not everyone has someone to run to, pray with, hold accountable. We all like to think we are good humans, but are we really doing what is called upon us, or merely just meeting the bare qualifications. It’s so easy to just be like “oh there a lost cause” “I’ve tried as much as I can, now it’s on them” goodness just typing that made me realize “I” myself am just as guilty of this as anyone else!

When I saw this meme about drugs the first part hit me hard, because I struggle with understanding addiction with drugs! I’ve watched it personally destroy so many lives, and I instantly get angry when I even think about it… but what I realized is… what I don’t do is try harder for those people. I just cross them off, cut them out and walk away. That… laid a conviction I can’t even hide from. That hits right in the soul, why am I not loving them more? Why am I not helping more? Why do I get to decide what is the lessor of 2 evils and pick and choose who I show God’s love to and who I don’t! I shouldn’t be making that choice, I should be loving everyone just the same. Every sin is the same in God’s eyes! That’s a hard pill to swallow considering what sins there are in today’s world. Although drugs have been a part of my past, I should consider myself lucky that… they weren’t ever an addiction I held on to. I could come and go as I pleased and walk away like it never happened, but for me because I saw first hand what they could do to someone life, I think I just immediately cut ties with anyone and everyone that did them. Maybe it was because I’m so prone to random addictions, maybe I was scared if I was around them I’d cave and go back to that part of me. When it comes to drugs I just put up a wall and that’s not fair. Why should someone’s addiction to drugs be any worse than my own addictions through the years.

Looking back now, the person I was to those people wasn’t always very good…. am I trying more absolutely but have I always nope, sure haven’t! I think when things happen to us and if involves certian parts of our past we are so quick to just “nope, im not having anything to do with that Because someone might think I’m doing it if I’m around them!” when in reality….. those who aren’t addicted, should be offering shelter to those who are! Praying for someone is a magical gift, but if we aren’t also trying to pray with them…. are we really showing them love and grace! It’s so easy to say, oh I prayed for them, hopefully they wake up…. but the truth is… we should be praying, teaching, lending, helping, and active in their recoveries if we really want to make the change. If they don’t know you are praying for them, how can they feel the love of they are lost.

Through out my past, regardless which “addiction, or sin” I was entertaining, looking back I’ve always had help out. Someone that wasn’t willing to give up on me. Someone who pushed me through some of the darkest moments, so why am I not constantly doing that for others? I should be doing more. Like every human, I struggle.. temptations are always on the rise! It’s so hard to break bad habits, it’s hard to not be that person in the status quo, let alone destroy generational cycles and cycles of your past you’ve always had did to a situation that brought you to that! We <me included> are so quick to judge… so quick to put someone down, even if we don’t realize we are doing so! I’ve caught myself doing it, when making a joke or teasing someone! Then when it happens to me, my heart gets broken. I’m quick to “why can’t everyone see that I’m not that person anymore”, why do they have to bring up something from my past and throw it in my face? Then the conviction lays “I’m guilty too.”

The second part about a girls Past πŸ˜³πŸ™„πŸ™…β€β™€οΈIn today’s world its so hard to change because so many people want you to stay the same. People come accustomed to who you are, what you did, and what you stand for… that when you make those changes although they are huge for you… there’s always going to be someone that tries to tear you down and bring you back to that place. There’s always gonna be that person who can’t leave your past at bay, they need to remind you who you were instead of looking at who you Are, but maybe they just need love for their insecurities! Most people honestly don’t realize they are even doing it, I didn’t. I can tell you in the last month…. there were a couple trying times I caught myself seeing old parts of me trying to pop up… and it was a battle. It was emotionally playing a toll on me…. at one point one of my Tribe called me out, and honestly as soon as she did I knew and agreed and had already caught it myself. She was terrified to bring it to my attention because she knew I was already a mess but honestly I thanked her. I was stressed, I was mad at the world, I was so angry with what was on my plate the bitterness was getting the best of me but thankfully I noticed too. Thankfully I caught my attitude and I adjusted back from it. I was so mad at myself, how could I come this far and then be handed a uncertainty and instantly be angry. She just kept reassuring me that due to being on fire, the devil was simply trying to win. He fought hard for 6 solid weeks.

Here’s where I have to count my blessings on those who are in my life, I have to grow some tougher skin for those who can’t handle my changes and just pray someday they will see and I need to just keep trying to be more like Jesus! I need to stop holding myself to my past, like a prison I’m apart of! I have to learn to tell people when they hurt my feelings, as well as own my own mistakes when I chose to not show love and grace and hurt someone else’s feelings as well. There’s always always always room for improvements, it’s easy to always assume the worst about everyone else but maybe we <including me> needs to learn and face the worst of yourselves. Could you imagine what the world could be like if you just took the time to reach out to those struggling instead of condemning them? You don’t have to wait for tomorrow to have a fresh start, you don’t have to wait for church on Sunday, the beauty in all of this is…. at any point in time you can take that conviction, drop it off and start from scratch. As I’m quick to feel attacked, I also need to be quick to realize we all fall short. We all struggle but with different things. We all just need love and grace. We all need to face the truth that There was one perfect soul, and he died so we didn’t have to hold those sins anymore! If we all started loving more, started building more tribes, started aiming towards the same goals instead of placing so much judgements… maybe just maybe we would see some major changes in the world. Just some random food for thought….

Until later πŸ’› Lacey Sue

His Love Will Prevail

In this next chapter my child. Oh the growth that you will see. The “You” that once existed. Was just a mere reality

The person you are becoming Is who you were meant to be This is all part of His Plan. You just have to Let it Be

The chapters of your life May not be rays of sunshine and gold But the truth that sits inside of you Is quite the testimony that you hold

The fight inside your soulΒ  The will power you hold within Is about to tell a story. Of Where Hope wins again

Your story was created. Because you were strong enough to hold on Now it’s time to lean On His One and Only Son

The roads about about to get bumpy. The storm has started to Sail It’s in the midst of all the chaos His magnificent Love will prevail

The days are going to get harder Your tiresome will feel weak But it’s then and there. You will find yourself falling on your knees

In those desperate times When It is so hard to see Why this is happening Know it’s for His Victory

He is using you as a tool You are there to prove there’s Hope. He’s holding you the entire time. You won’t ever be alone

Although I know it’s scary It seems impossible at best . You are living this story To show His very best

So now is the time to Trust in Him. Through out this very storm So others may be able to see the light That His miracles are still performed

He doesn’t promise it to be easy That is not the war, he’s aiming for He simply wants us to hold rely on him So that he can bare us through the storm

When he took the nails on the cross It was for You and me. Now we live to tell his story. Of how He saved us for all eternity

πŸ’› LaceySue

Oh Just You Wait My Child!

This morning.. as normal I’m sitting at milk and 🍯 doing my daily prepping, and decided I hadn’t went through my photo albums in a while. So i decided i would go through and delete some unneeded stuff,  and make space in my phone! <any one who knows me know,  i take way too many pictures 🀣🀣, way too many memes,  and save quotes all the time>

So I came across this… and I was like Wow… then I laughed! I laughed because when I saved this… I truly had no idea why I was saving it or atleast not a reason I remembered. So then I was like well,  when did I save it so I looked…

So after I seen the date i giggled because God knew exactly what he was doing that day the 10, my mother’s passing the 10th, and today because today is also the 10th πŸ’›! He was preparing me for what was to come. He was preparing me for what was to come 2 months later to that exact date<my mother’s death!  At that point I was slowly diving head first into my faith,  at a decent pace.  I was excited,  i loved being back into church! I had just started being back into a Bible study.  I was enjoying my fellowship with other Christian friends and my conversations digging into the Bible here and there.  In May I was still pretty new to the church and barely digging my feet in.  I was so scared of most people 🀣. As much of a people person as I am,  im just as terrified as anyone else is to meet new people!

About 5 months ago I was talking to my old junior high principal <She’s still one of my BIGGEST Supporters, bless her ❀️ she’s always had my back and had faith in me> and we were discussing with me going back to church and  going back to college,  how it was kinda like I was getting a “Do-Over” at life,  all over again! Life at 17 fell apart and when the hard hit,  I was not mentally,  physically,  or spiritually prepared! I fell off the path and just kept down the beaten path being stubborn… bound determined I could do it all by myself!

I truly believe when it says “I’ve already assigned angels to you” that was the truest statement ever said! Within the next 2 months what started as mere fellowships, became some of the most heartfelt friendships I’ve ever encountered.  This statement above ☝️☝️!  I truly believe God was preparing me for what was to come,  and trying to keep me on the path this time! He brought some of the most amazing humans into my life in so many different ways.  It wasn’t like I just showed up at the church and boom here this is it… it was more like oh hey, “I’m a school secretary”, “I own a coffee shop”, ” I work for Blue Cross Blue Shield”, “I’m a Personal trainer” and soo on! These random little friendships slowly became family! When they came into my life I had no idea what kind of part they were going to play in my story but let me tell you this my friends…. without those 4 humans… I wouldn’t be where I am right now! Those 4 humans took on big roles without any intentions of doing so,  im sure they had no idea what was coming there way either but I hope they know how much they have been a blessing in my journey!

Let’s jump to 2 months after this picture <July 10th>! That Sunday morning will stick in my head forever! Getting ready for church, it was our first Sunday as 1 congregation together! Wesley walked in the house and something was off. He looked at me and he said “Mom,  they took grandma in the ambulance to the hospital” I said ” what for this time” “she was unresponsive” my heart stopped. I held it together, he asked if he could skip church so he could wait for papa to call with an update and I said we’d all stay home. I went to the porch .. moments later dad called to confirm she was gone. 

That day will be a blur forever for me! I was surrounded by so many loved ones and I will forever be greatful! I will probably never remember the conversations that took place,  I was in pure shock, completely shut down.

Those 4 humans I was slowly building Christian relationships with… I had no idea how much I was going to need them over the next few weeks! I had no idea God put them in my life for a reason, but there definitely was a full plan in play! In all honesty at the time of my mother’s death I was in a somber place between wanting to reach for God, and wanting to go back to my comfort zones, that I had slowly started giving away.  When my mother died… I had every chance to quit just like I did when I lost every thing I was at 17…. when my world fell apart I just quit and walked away! No one reeled me back in,  it was easy to just let it all go. Satan was heavy and played a good game… he had so much to offer!

Where when my momma died… I had 4 people who relentlessly refused to give up on me… they kept me in check,  they checked in on daily,  they made sure I was where I needed to be, they made sure I knew I was loved,  I was not alone, When I’d go quiet,  they’d reach.  They would remind me it was okay to talk to someone,  that I needed to take care of me too,  that I needed to process. One was on vacation and still made sure multiple times a day to check in,  one would sit on the phone with me in silence so I just wouldn’t be alone <she still does this πŸ’›>, one showed up to the services and constantly was an open ear,  and one knows when I need her the most ever single time, she either shows up, texts, or calls like her ears are burning, and constantly lifts me in her prayers. Those 4 people kept me from wandering down a path that could have destroyed me.  Those 4 kept me accountable by just accepting me for who I was,  and when I’d fall there was no judgements just pick back up and let’s go. It takes absolutely nothing to be kind, but it means everything! If we all just took the time to check in, step up, think more, pray, step up… for others even when we don’t know them very well… think of the impact that we can make! 3/4 of these humans barely knew me at all! 2/4 of humans had never met any of my family! The 1 that was at the services knew me and my son barely, but regardless out of their comfort zones they stepped because they knew we needed them! What could have been a complete disaster, and caused me to completely go back to my old ways…. pushed me the complete opposite direction!

I’ve been a prideful person my entire life! I’ve always wanted,  needed,  and expected myself to do it in my own! If I couldn’t,  I wouldn’t and I’d just beat myself up for it and accept the fail! I was never good at asking for help,  I was never good at reaching.  That’s not how I process until now

Now before i go on Please don’t feel like the ones im not mentioning from my porch or my other friends/ family don’t play a significant part in my story,  because they do.  Just not with this part of the story! They all know how much i love them,  and appreciate each and every one of them while heartily and how much they helped during my mother’s passing

The last Month has been quite a whirl wind for me.Β  When I say I’ve made big changes,Β Β  I mean HUGE! I took major leaps out of my comfort zone and let go of everything I had that made me comfortable! When I say everything I mean all of it. All the safety nets, all the things I’d run to, all the reassuring measures…. I let it all go when I made the choice to recommit myself fully! I’m Fully excited again, im excited, like a child ready to ask all the questions excited! I’m done trying to lean on me, it was a hard thing to do but I had to realize that I can’t do it alone! I can’t and don’t have to! My Savior did that for me! Learning to lean on my church family and on Jesus was hard at first because I’ve never had that before! I’m so unbelievably greatful for the encounters that have lead me to where I am, because now I no longer have to question my strength! At any point when I’m weak, I can reach out to any of these people and a ton more now that aren’t even mentioned yet and they are right there praying, lifting it up! God’s will is on His time and learning that! I absolutely can not wait to see what’s in store for me and how He will continue to use me!

Until later,

LaceySue πŸ’›

By his wounds you have been healed!

So im gonna do this blog a little different than normal! I’m going to write about something that touched my life pretty significantly! So significantly that I’ve spent the last 2 weeks really diving into it. Reading the scripture, pulling it apart little by little.  So if you don’t know… I go to Truth and Grace in Mattoon Illinois! I’ve been attending services there for the last 5 months! There’s been so many changes in my life, since I started attending services! Little by little I was finding the πŸ”₯ inside myself that I haven’t seen since I was young! I honestly never thought I’d see the day that I’d ever feel that fire again! It’s such a phenomenal feeling, I can’t even explain! <Back story> 17 years ago…. I attended church regularly. For probablythe first 17 years of my life.. I was working at going to Lincoln Christian College to be a Youth minister.  I was so in love with my faith… until the world went crashing down and I wasnt…… so to finally feel alive again after so many years, has really made an impact on my heart!

So July 24th we had a sermon on breaking down the gospel in 5 words by Colton. God, Sin, Jesus,  Repent & Life

This sermon… it hit! Like a πŸͺ¨ to my soul! This sermon opened my eyes to what changes had not only already taken place in me, but then it hit like a freight train what changes needed to come next! Prior to this Sunday, I never really processed what the Gospel meant… I mean sure we all use the term but I never tried to break it down the way it was done. So this blog is just that… breaking the sermon down, in the aspects of how it hit me that Sunday morning and what came with it!

Ya know so many of us, including me at times,  think that by attending weekly services on Sundays are ” Doing the Christian thing”… almost like it’s gonna cover us for the whole week.  Get your Jesus on Sunday and go on living your best life after.  That’s not the way it’s suppose to be,  God doesn’t want to just see you on Sundays worshiping him then you forget him till the next week.  He wants you every day,  all day!  He wants to be apart of your happy,  your sad, your battles, your praises, and your storms! It’s through his words that we are to rely on him! He doesn’t want us to rely on ourselves to get where we need to,  he wants us to shift our focus to him and he will provide. 

This isant always an easy task,Β  I get it! It’s super easy to just go on with your day to day and just worship on Sundays but let me tell you this my friends…. once you completely switch over to giving God Complete control… Life becomes sooo much sweeter!Β  He listens at all times… when your driving down the street,Β  when your pushing your child on the swing,Β  when your playing basketball,Β  when your stressing in that doctors appointment… there’s not a single moment of any day that he won’t listen and be there… you just have to give him that option! He is there for the good and the bad. He’s not just there when our world’s falling apart but when our worlds finally falling into place. I can’t express enough how much changes inside and outside of you once you give him full authority of your life.

Genesis 2:16/17

<16>And the Lord God commanded the man, β€œYou are free to eat from any tree in the garden. <17>but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”

During the sermon… it was explained that, The day that Adam/ Eve ate the 🍎… they fully knew what they were doing! “Our sin is rebellion of creature nature against our very creator!” Just like us, They made a choice at that moment to trade favor with God for the pursuit of their own pleasure! They decided they could eat from the tree,  reject the creator and be just as powerful as he was and do it alone.. that was there sin! As for the rest of us… were trying to confuse sin with sin effects Jesus didn’t come to save us from our sense of guilt,  meaningless, emptiness… those are just the symptoms of our sins! Our God doesn’t treat symptoms, he treats the underlining problem! We also confuse sin with “sins”! Like for instance “I was a miserable sinner before I came to know Christ, but man I do not sin as much now, so I must be better!”  It’s not our Sins he comes to save us from but our Sin! We struggle with a sin nature For out of the heart come evil thoughtsβ€”murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”
Matthew 15:19

It was during this part of the sermon that I realized how much I was bartering with God! How much I was not really giving my 100, putting it all in. I was picking and choosing what pieces of me God got, and what pieces I didn’t have to settle with. I wanted it all but I was making excuses on why I couldn’t give up certian things. I felt πŸ’― percent conviction in this moment. My heart hit hard. I had spent the last several weeks digging more into The Word, more into my church, more into my spiritual walk. The conviction had hit little bits here and there over a few weeks but during this sermon …. a Freight train came straight at me… what was I doing? Why was I allowing myself to settle just to be comfortable? Why, was I so scared to plunge straight into what I knew I wanted and needed so very much? What was really holding me back….? Why were these “Sins” I was grasping on to with every fiber in my being so important for me to hold on to?!

Next on the sermon was Jesus! Jesus was the cure for all of us! He was created and sent to save EVERY single one of us! John 3:16 ” For God, so loved the world he gave his one and only son that whoever shall believe in him shall have everlasting life”! He came as a sacrifice, he came and lived life perfectly without flow or fail. “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”
2 Corinthians 5:21. As Colton our Youth Pastor presented this sermon he stated “Jesus gave his life as a ransom for many, he came to live the life we couldn’t to pay the price we should have” God allowed his Son to come and bare the weight of all of our sins, so that we may be able to be rightous enough to live within His kingdom forever. He allowed His Son to be beaten, tortured, ridiculed all because we could not contain our sin! You can’t downplay the price you were bought for. Christ was our full sacrifice! He has called us to put a reliance on our faith, to trust him completely! Jesus came to fully accept our transgressions so that he can stand in front of his father and say I have paid their price!

This was a hard pill to swallow. This made me feel so small, as it should! How can we be so self absorbed at times not realizing how much the Savior did for us! He took what we deserved in tenfold and without complaints bared all at the cross! He without any regret, without any concern felt mercy on our souls and gave us the chance at a true freedom! With that, how are we not spending every single day doing everything we can to rejoice in him. How are we not thankful, greatful, and obedient! This man who never met us, loved us so much, he was beaten and bruised so that we may someday understand His Father’s Everlasting Love! the next part of the sermon became my new favorite Bible verse…. it actually inspired my next tattoo…

1st Peter 2:24 “By His wounds You have been healed” as we all know… I battle a wound for 6 months that left a pretty scar behind, I’ve said from the beginning eventually I’m going to put a tattoo around it once it’s healed and the doctor gives the okay and I think this Bible verse will look perfect right there!

Repentance and life! In this last part of the sermon it’s taught that repentance is not optional, it’s mandatory! Matthew 6:24 β€œNo one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money” you can not serve both God and addictions, both God and jobs, faith is reliance… faith alone! You can not serve both God and man! Repentance is to turn from your sinful ways and follow the master! Now we can take our sins to our father who takes our sins away, who gives us a way out by reconciliation. If you choose to not trade favor with God for the pursuit of your own pleasures, you then can choose to make God the Authority in your life and reconcile with him for everlasting life. First and foremost Christ died on the cross and raised for each of us, that we are in this world but not of it. Forgiveness, redemption, faith, reliance that we receive only thrive and because of the cross.

You wanna know my why’s.. why this sermon hit so very very hard.. Change is a really hard thing for me! On every level, I don’t like change! I WANT CHANGE WITHOUT ANY OF THE WORK! I’m human just like everyone else! I mess up, I fall down, I hold on, I grip on, I love hard, I don’t like patience, I don’t like being uncomfortable… I don’t like new… this… this right here is all the reasons I was holding on to my normal for SO LONG… because the what if’s are scary, and mind blowing! But my friends, that conviction laid on my heart that Sunday morning…. was a whole new feeling! It was Amazing, exhilarating, remarkable, beyond words. It was life changing, I teared, I cried, I felt, I processed…I knew in that very moment it was time for some BIG CHANGES, I knew in that moment God had been putting in some work on me, and I needed to start doing some hard work on my self. It was time to start preparing myself to be worthy of his kingdom!

That morning my life changed in many ways… it was just the beginning… I had no idea what kind of impact that sermon was going to place on my heart! I’m not big at going in front of anyone. I’m terrified of most humans now a days, too be honest! Alters terrify me, I’ve went up once with a nudge from missy but other than that I’ve never really thought about it and without hesitated that morning with a tears in my eyes, I turned around and looked at a friend Wes and we went straight to the alter… what I didn’t know was what was going to come next. I heard another friend voice as she started praying… it was the most amazing moment I’ve ever felt… I was right where I needed to be and it wasn’t until I opened my eyes minutes later that I realized I was surrounded by so many loved ones praying over me! That my friends, was God’s Love! That was a pure moment of, this is all part of his plan.

After church it still sat with me. I needed to dive more in… so every day for 9 days I spent anywhere from 2 to 4 hours diving into that sermon.. taking notes.. diving into the Bible.. reading the verses, examining every inch of it and comparing it to my life…. I had questioned a couple times if I was ready… really ready but I was scared…. until this past Tuesday. My hearts been heavy, I’ve been doing the work, I stopped bartering with God… and as I was diving hard into the word.. my heart said it was time… it was time to take that step and make that recommitment. I was baptized in 2001, I fell away in 2004.. I was very lost for a very long time. On Tuesday morning I messaged our pastor that I recommited my life to Christ and that I wanted to follow him! Within minutes of sending that…. one of my special friends messaged me that it was weighing on her heart to pray with me at the alter and I should meet her at the church. She had no idea I had just messaged our pastor so to both of their surprises the 3 of us say and talked, and prayed and it was such a beautiful moment! There were so many “God Nudges” I was so scared to commit… I was terrified to fail but I had to remember it’s not about being perfect, it’s about trying my best and when I do fall short to repent and come back from it.

12 days later and I have offically finished digging into this sermon. And can start to move on to the next! πŸ’› until later

LaceySue

The πŸ’ͺ Strength in NSV <NonScaleVictories>

Okay okay, let’s be honest! I am by far one of the most stubborn humans there is <I mean I get it honest, have you met my gene pool> when I want something, I generally fight tooth and nail to get it. I have no problem pushing for what I want. The scale has been my enemy for YEARS and when this process started 7 weeks ago… all I cared about was the number on the scale…. it needed to move down! I didn’t care about anything else other than the scale… the first few weeks the weight rolled off… 6 pds, 7 pds, 5 pds, and so forth. Then last week i gained that 1.4 pounds and was crushed.. I was so hard on myself.. I was so mad…. but what I didn’t do was….. Stop and give myself grace, stop and process all the NSV that I was accomplishing. My Trainor and friends all tried to make me feel better but in reality I just felt like everyone was trying the pity thing because my mother passed away.

If you know me, you know the last thing I want from anyone is pity. If you know me, you know that I can’t stand to disappoint anyone including myself! If someone puts time and effort into me, I push to the extreme to accomplish all goals laid in front of me…. gaining that 1.4 pounds took me down a notch, I felt disappointed in myself, in the process, and just in life…. I was putting in 6-7 workouts a week and gained 1.4 pounds… WHO DOES THAT…. then I had to take an extra “Rest” instead of doing my second workout and let me tell you… I was not happy about that! But honestly that rest… made me realize a lot of things. My body was tired, I was mentally physically and emotionally tapped… one of my favorite humans reached out when she knew I couldn’t go “workout” and we spent the afternoon getting pedicures and just relaxing.. I needed that more than I needed the gym… I wasn’t nourishing my body, I wasn’t taking care of me, I was rolling through the motions because I didn’t want to feel anything! The gym has become an outlet for me to escape to. It’s where I can apply all my frustration and feelings to my workouts. It’s one of my favorite places, because regardless whose in the gym… its a Community. Everyone is kind, everyone is helpful, and everyone pushes each other… its a home away from home kinda experience!

So let’s talk about NSV! So many people INCLUDING ME put so much effort in to the scale…. they forget the rest… let me tell you… in 7 weeks it’s amazing what I can do that I once couldn’t. The Non Scale Victories are just as, if not more, important than those scale Victories

NSV #1 I’ve lost over 30 inches combined off my body in 7 weeks …

NSV #2 Ya’ll I Ran! Like not a lot 🀣 but I Ran…. yesterday I was complaining because I didn’t even feel like I could do my Cardio <just walking> anymore and today I hit that treadmill and I pushed the numbers an ran a couple different times …. I kept it on my incline. . I pushed myself and had some wonderful friends rooting me along the way! It was exhilarating because I can’t tell you the last time I really even tried

NSV #3 I CAN MOVE…. I can move my body so much better! I’m doing 300 plus crunches in a workout without dying haha or complaining πŸ˜… I can do sit ups, I can do more machines now than I could in the beginning. I can do squats again. There’s just so much more function to my body and I’m so much healthier. My energy level is up most days, without energy drinks, without coffee, without Mt. Dew….

NSV #4 Mentally I’m in such a better head space, im learning to be kinder to myself, im learning how to listen to my body, listen to what I need to be able to be the best I can be

NSV #5 weights….. I can lift more now than I ever could…. what started as 2 weight trainings a week… quickly turned into 6-7…. my body hurts some days, but that’s just my body getting stronger! It’s hard. . I won’t lie, if you asked my Trainor what I was like the first 2 weeks 🀣🀣🀣 I was terrified of weights, I dreaded upping my weights. I still whine occasionally bahaha…. there are definitely machines I like over other ones… but I’ve learned that even those ones, I dislike become something I like once I can achieve my goals on them.

NSV #6 I have an entire Community of support that constantly pushes me! When I say these guys are amazing… thats an understatement…. they aren’t just people at the gym, they become friends and family. We Root each other on, we laugh, We Do the Work, We hold accountability, We keep it Real.

Weight wise there is still Victories in the scale…. its just not the only thing that matters and that was hard for me to accept! In 7 weeks I’m still down over 27 pounds… im still trucking along but the reality is… im working out hard, im building muscle and I’ve never done that and I’m slowly trimming down the Right and healthy way! A lthough i REALLY WANT to hit my goal weight .. for the first time.. im realizing I have to look at the bigger picture! I have to look at the things that have helped me to grow, to change, to better myself not just physically but in every other aspect as well! Celebrate those NSV, love yourself enough to keep pushing and Do the Work!

Until next time, LaceySue πŸ’›

The Best of Me is Yet To come

This year has mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically taken a massive toll on my life! 7 months ago I went sepsis battling, what started as a simple wound. 32 total weeks to heal said wound. What that wound did damaged every piece of me, but it also made me SO MUCH STRONGER! For the first time in a long time I had a desire to live, to realize how much I give to others but not myself, it my eyes to my time spent with family/ friends and how much I selfishly didn’t. That wound allowed me and my mother to stay working on getting into a better place. That wound caused me to be on antibiotics and steroids for MONTHS and caused me to really put on the weight in order to get it to heal by taking the steriod injections. That wound changed my life in so many ways.

Mental health is such a battle! It’s scary and unpredictable 😳 I was not okay, I didn’t care anymore, I didn’t care about me just everyone around me! I put zero effort into myself as a whole and kept going down a rabbit hole of depression and anxiety that was extremely dangerous! Since I was 11 I’ve lived off and on meds for all these things. I’d do good, I’d stop the pills and then the rabbit hole would appear. What I didn’t realize was I needed to put in the hard work to get to the why’s, the what if, the how can I actually put into words to others what’s really gong on behind the scenes without judgement! So my therapist and I, started diving hard into it all.. was it fun… NOPE. But we did it anyways… because in order to accomplish anything you have to dedicate yourself to the hard and push your way to the top. It’s been 2 months without any depression pills, anxiety meds, or panic attack meds and look at me I’m the strongest mentally I’ve ever been! When my mom passed away I really questioned what would happen! I wanted to fall back into so many old habits, the comfort of it all… but nope I wasn’t allowing it. I wanted to drink so bad I could taste it…. one night I did… I had 1 drink and didn’t even finish it, I couldn’t… my heart knew and felt the conviction of… if I do this I’m going to go back to who I was and I don’t want that! I want to be different, I am different! Micah Tyler sings “I want to be different” and that song really speaks to me! Here’s a few verses below

let’s talk about my favorite of all these things… Spiritually….. my life’s been a mess since I walked away from WCC 17 years ago! For 17 years I thought I could do it on my own. I believed in God but I didn’t think I needed church. There all the same, who needs to feel that judgment every single day! I WAS SO WRONG! For months, I thank God each and every morning that one of my friends never gave up on me. She was persistent, she was kind, she was faithful to her message. She had asked repeatedly and I always denied but them I accepted and have it a try! Let me tell you… that Sunday changed my life! I have an amazing church family! Most of them know absolutely nothing about me and love me just the way I am! I knew there was something special there that first Sunday but I had no idea what was about to happen. I jump peed head first and never looked back and it was the best decision I ever made. The friends <more like family> I’ve come to meet have inspired me in so many ways! My relationship with Jesus is at the top of my priorities and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I’ve still got work to do but the changes its made in my life has been such a blessing. I went from broken to whole. Church is a priority every Sunday, every Wednesday. I’ve missed 2 Sundays one in the beginning and because of my mother’s unexpected death, and let me tell you this…. my church family without any questions are notified of my mother’s passing and within an hour I was receiving texts and calls. How can we help, what do you need, were praying for you and that meant the absolute πŸ’― world of a difference in how that next week played out! People I didn’t even know were reaching out! Spiritually I’m on πŸ”₯ and I absolutely love those who I surround myself with!

Let’s talk emotionally…. I’m here, and that’s good enough…. ! I’ve learned to cry and be okay with it. I’ve learned that you have to feel are the hard things and not stray away. For years I’ve drank through every single bad thing in my life. That was my best coping mechanism.. Alcohol has been apart of my life since I was a preteen and walking away from it on a constant basis was so good for me. It was so hard to. I’ve never had to feel Anything because I would drink to avoid it. Crying is no longer a weakness. Telling others how I feel, what they make me feel and what I want were never my strong point. Until now! Now I bluntly say what needs to be said and let it go! Now I don’t hide behind my thoughts and over think… now I push for what I want/need and have learned to let go of those who bring me down. I no longer feel the need to have 3675309 <haha catch that> friends. I have a small circle and I’m golden with that. Every person in my circle brings something different to the table, and I love each of them because they are who they are. I use to get hurt when someone would delete me on Facebook or stop talking to me… I’ve now decided that if you leave my life as a toxic human I will walk away for the peace and count my blessings along the way! So many people have hidden agendas only for their purpose and I’m done playing into those games. Love me or hate me but I’ll choose to respect myself daily. I use to have to defend my honor, im done doing that. If you don’t know me, you judgments laid upon me.. mean nothing. You can take your insecurities and walk away from my life, no questions asked but I’ll continue to pray for you and that someday you will be able to say “I wasn’t too be different!” Just because I walk away doesn’t mean I don’t care! As Tupac once said “I still want you to eat, just not at my table” I will always care and pray for you but I can’t let toxic keep me down any longer!

Last BUT NOT LEAST PHYSICALLY…. 7 weeks ago I made a choice to work on myself physically. 7 weeks ago I made a choice not to take the diet pills the doctor was willing to give me, I decided not to do the gastric sleeve I so eagerly wanted. I made a choice to reach out to the youth minister at our church for guidance as he owns a gym. 7 weeks ago I signed up for personal trainings… twice a week… I mean what could it do to try, if I failed I could resort back to the doctors options…. except something in me changed. Something about it all really sunk in. That first week losing almost 7 pounds was stellar but HARD really hard. I cut out my fancy coffee cold turkey, I cut out bad foods cold turkey, I forced myself to step out of a comfort zone and into a world I had no idea existed. Every time I’ve lost weight prior was under doctor meds. This time I lost almost 7 pounds by just chasing my life, by just loving myself enough, and of course by the help of accountability! A month in I was doing 2 personal trainings, 1 or 2 5am crew classes, and Cardio 6 days a week… 23.5 pounds 24 inches. GONE in 4 weeks! I loved the adrenaline and was really good to go. Then week 5 happened I only lost .4 pounds 3 inches. That broke me down… I started really getting discouraged and wasn’t putting my all into anymore….. then my mother passed away…. that changed me…. that day as I sat on my porch with my friends/ family for 6 hours I couldn’t eat…. I drank my first mt.dew in 6 weeks…. it made me full so I didn’t need food. When everyone finally left I broke and wanted to drink so badly instead I grabbed my tennis shoes and headed to the gym to do Cardio and pouncing bags. Best choice I made the whole day. Then the choices weren’t so great the rest of the week. Monday I went to 5am crew and I ended up on the locker room for crying my eyes out…. I had to feel it all and couldn’t handle it. KM sat there and hugged me as I cried like a child on the floor! It was then decided I needed to step back a little so I took the rest of the week off from the 5am classes…. little did I know how much that would affect me. I was becoming bitter, my tongue wasn’t using good language I was mad, I was so angry and lost. Let’s be honest my mother has been more like a second mom to my kids for years because I’ve always had to work non stop to play catchup. I wasn’t being a good human or Christian at times that week. I noticed it and called myself out. I still showed up to my trainings, thankfully because it gave me a release on everything going in surrounding my mother’s death! It’s almost like another forum of therapy for me. Working out keeps me level headed. I took the grace and the week off but come Monday morning on week 7 I was right back at the gym. I felt whole for the first time in a week just going back to what I loved. Then I weighted …. gained 1.4 pounds… I was so mad Tuesday morning when I woke up. Seriously I s spent a whole week not eating just living on 1 Mt. Dew a day for the most part and I gained weight. What I didn’t put into perspective was in lifting weights. I’m toning my body and that means I need to stay off the DARN scale! So yesterday I put in 2 hard workouts and by the time the second one was done I was so excited because not only did I get to learn new things but I crushed them and had to move up on weights. I’m learning more and more about giving myself grace, and pushing myself when I want to quit. A couple times yesterday the option to take a break during sets were giving because I’m sure I looked like the struggle bus hard core but it was determined and pushed through. My last task of my training was 6.0 income 5 minute walk….. I was struggling sadly 🀣 and the last 1.5 minutes he dropped the speed for me and I almost allowed it and then I said nope and changed it back to the higher speed because I CAN’T EXPECT CHANGE BY TAKING THE EASY ROAD! Yesterday really opened my eyes to so much. Then today at 5am I did something I haven’t done in ages…. a real squat… no bench to use or pole to hold on to I just forced myself to do it and let me tell you how exhilarating it was to do and not fail! It’s so worth it when you finally get to do something you couldn’t do before!

I’m taking steps to better me in all aspects of life, I soberly have experienced my first loss since I was a child and I’m so greatful for those who I surround myself with because they push me to only want to be better! They don’t realize what they do, they are just good wholesome humans and I couldn’t be more blessed with my own crew of them! Life isant easy but it is so worth it once you finally find your place in the world! BE YOU, Love yourself and be true to what you want and need in this world!

Until my next ramble,

πŸ’› LaceySue

If I could only have known back then, what I know now! A letter to my self at such a very small age!

So we’ve been doing this whole therapy thing for 3 years now…. 3 years of what started as simple therapy to adjust to the aftermath from attack of 2019! We worked hard on that subject but lil by lil as we were working on recovering my memory bits and pieces of the past were about to come to face! I fought it, I didn’t want to dig into the unknown…I didn’t want to rehash the ugly truths most the world never knew, only my safe places knew those and to be honest I’m not even sure they knew everything.

Disclaimer-this isant a pitty blog, you can take that and shove it 🀣 this blog is so I can bless it, feel it in a healthy manor and make peace! 😘

I was always the girl who ” Talked a Lot”, “who strived to be friends with everyone”, who was the social butterfly πŸ¦‹! It was the same with every teacher, every report card…. I was A Friendly soul, who talked nonstop, who loved more than most could imagine, who volunteered more than most, who stuck around after class, who would come to school on days there weren’t school to grade papers or build slide shows because it was my safe harbor….

But what no one realized was Why, I was that way and at what cost it came my direction to be THAT GIRL! No one processed that maybe I was Loud, silly, obnoxious, annoying, talkative, rambunctious, caring, outgoing all because I just wanted to be seen, heard, loved!

My therapist and I have been talking about the younger me for months… I had no real memories or very vague ones at that…. there’s was a lot of damage. There’s so much no one has even the slightest of ideas about. Then we decided it was time to dive head first in and see if we could pull it out….. let me tell you, Monday was probably one of the most vulnerable days, I’ve ever had! Today I had to admit a lot of things, I had to face a lot of ugly, and I cried my eyes out for over 2 hours but i seen pieces of me that had been swept completely under the rug! MONDAY WAS A GREAT DAY because for the first time in over 2 years of thinking about going into the unknown I finally without fear did it, felt it, and now it’s time to blog it and release it!

Today I realized I was the attention seeking girl for so long because I’ve been running from so much my whole life! I’ve ran away and clinched on to people to feel something, to feel love! I’m not saying my parents didn’t love me, so please don’t read into that! There was just so much that has always been hidden, swept under the rug, or better yet forgotten on purpose because rehashing those events triggers pain, brokenness, and loss! There’s so much in reality my own family has no idea about because I became a professional at hiding everything!

The younger me has struggled my entire life and we’re talking a very young age since the bullying started back in grade school! The fat jokes, & comments. The nicknames that hurt my feelings! The being treated like i was never gonna hold up to the standards set upon me! For over 26 years of my life MY WEIGHT HAS PLAYED A TREMENDOUS IMPACT ON MY LIFE! For over 26 years of my life MY NEED TO PLEASE PEOPLE has made a overwhelming impact on my life! For over 26 years I’ve fought with myself over the fact that PEOPLE LEAVE, people abandon, things get hard and they run! I never realized, fully realized until today that I ran towards everything I NEVER SHOULD HAVE because it meant maybe just maybe I’d feel love I craved so hardly and be able to feel safe! THESE ARE HARD PILLS TO SWALLOW THAT MAYBE JUST MAYBE had I seen the light at the end of the tunnel maybe I didn’t have to feel this hurt, maybe I wouldn’t have done those horrible things I did, maybe I wouldn’t have needed to be loved in all the wrong ways! But then I realized IT’S THE FACT THAT REGARDLESS WHAT HAPPENED, IT HAPPENED! I can’t go back, I can’t fix it, all I can do is face it and let it go! So many missing puzzle pieces came to life today and sadly we aren’t done yet but We did Amazing work! I cried, I cried hard ugly tears that made me speechless at moments because I could finally remember things I couldn’t for so long! Things came out of me today that I hadn’t pictured in years because it was too painful!

At a very young age, I was a social butterfly! I wanted to fit in with everyone! I wanted everyone to be my friend, I wanted my teachers to love me! I wanted to feel needed, accepted, happy! I wanted what came naturally to so many and I didn’t like myself or the body I was given! I was always the fat kid. I was always bigger, and believe me kids made sure I knew! My sister was never “big” I wanted to be like her so much! I envied her on every level! She had friends, smarts, boys, love…. everything I ever wanted….. and all I had was me. I reason skipping so much school because I couldn’t face anymore comments, i couldn’t face not being liked, not being popular, not being wanted. I’ve struggled to feel wanted for more than 3/4th of my life! I’m not saying anyone intentionally or non intentionally did that or caused that…. it’s just what happened! I was too afraid to tell anyone how i felt, how lonely most of my days felt, how when I begged to help clean my friends bedrooms it wasn’t because I wanted to… it was because I was afraid to be alone, because pieces of me were missing, because there was so much going on that no one REALLY KNEW behind the scenes and all that doesn’t need rehashed yet!

Being that girl that everyone kept around was exhausting but it also kept me safe! I bounced from one friend to another! Normally I was that person that could really only have 1 or 2 friends at a time because I didn’t trust people and I waited for when I was no longer going to be good enough to keep around. I’d serve my purpose to them and off I’d go to the next one! I lived my life this way in all honestly for YEARS like over a decade or more! I learned early in life people leave, friends stop and move on, and come back when they were done! I had no idea as a younger me, that I was beginning curses upon myself that the rest of the world never saw coming! I created behaviors, patterns, started searching, discovering and setting my footprints in what was to come my only reality!

At the age of 5th grade I was so bound determined to have friends I would do Anything they asked me to do….. that year molded a whole new me…. a real me that was going to set myself up for instant and long term failure! —— You see my Best friend left me in 5th grade…..—- disclaimer who parents made her go with them haha but that’s when I became the girl “I wasn’t scared of Anything, if I was dared to do it… I did because if I didn’t there were consequences” we won’t be your friends if you don’t do this, if you really want to be my friend you’ll do this… I was searching to replace L. NICOLE …..” you see we hadn’t been separated since our mom’s gave birth and we were across from each other in the hospital rooms haha or atleast that’s what we told everyone even though our birthdays are almost a month apart hahaha! We were that close of best friends! We had never been apart from each other until then and then I had was left to fend for myself….. I had lost other friends and family members over the years but that one hit different. I then started bad habits of pleasing others, to find love and comfort again!

These kids that would make constant jokes, that would call me lassie the squatting dog, that would chase me with sticks and hit me because they thought it was funny, cute, clever, whatever the hell was wrong with them….. ya know I say these kids but it was mainly 1 kid that really brings up the triggers.<others contributed but not as harshly>… 1 kid that broke me in so many ways, and then less than 2 years later his role in my life changed from being a horrible mean kid…. to someone who “groomed” his way in to my heart! He became someone who pushed his way in and I for once wasn’t the kid he was making fun of but the one he was loving behind closed doors <from my very first blog>

It was hard to admit that as a 6th grader going into 7th grade a choice was made for me to become a dirty little secret and I had no idea that …. the next few years were going to mold me into a dark existence! The thing I found most clarity in was that, never once during any of this did I stray from being who I was…. I became even more of a socal butterfly to society… I clinged into my faith even more, I pushed that maybe just maybe someone would see what was behind my fake smile and they would save me! I just wanted to be saved or freed!

Holding so many secrets is so hard as an adult yet looking back as a child no wonder I reached for whatever grasps of feelings I could find! I felt numb for so long…. I would lash out in anger… I just wanted to cry but I couldn’t because I was taught crying was a weakness! So when I would want to feel..i struggled until one day I found out a way to feel! A way to let my emotions go and be able to feel somewhat normal and safe! That day was shaving my legs and knicked my leg… i felt that pain and decided maybe i could feel more! I took apart that razor and I took that blade and I ran it across my left arm/shoulder 3 times <I still have the scars> but I felt something! For the first time in SOOOOOOO long I felt something! You see I was a fat kid so I didn’t wear tank tops, I didn’t change in the locker room with everyone else! I hid in the showers and changed so no one would see my body, let alone so no one would now find out that I had a new release! A way to feel, it was scary but powerful! I had control <it so I thought> of my body and self! Until the news traveled through the school! I openly told one person, she was and I still consider her to be one of my best friends! She had saw it in the locker room! She told her mother the principal <who is still such a great role model in my life> and things changed! It was at that point I was forced to go to therapy, at that point i had brought shame to my friends and family, at that point the doctors started throwing so many different anti depressants my direction….. no one understood how this happy girl could possibly be cutting herself! It made no sense because I was hiding so much and child fake that smile like no tomorrow!

The school pushed my parents to put me in therapy but no one wanted to risk what was going to come out of my mouth, so I only had to do it for a little while! I grew up in a time where the less people knew about you the safer you were! Carrying around the “McQueen” status was a high standard as to what was acceptable and what wasn’t! What was allowed to be known and what wasn’t! That’s a LOT of pressure to put on a child… I was still just a child! Once I had been caught, I knew I had to find a way to feel… and i tried different things but nothing brought the same feeling as that razor! So I learned to be more cautious of where I cut, that way I didn’t risk anyone finding out! Heavens for bid once the kids did find out I gained the new nickname of “Slice and dice!” I’ll never forget the one person I loathed for years <poor guy 🀣> when he called me that it broke me! I was bound determined no one was going to find out again and I became very good at hiding it! I hated myself so much by that point that I was cutting horrible names I would be called into my stomach! “Fatty, lassie, B$tch, lardo” thankfully 2 kids later you can’t really see those scars anymore but I litterly hated myself I didn’t care! By freshmen year there was a whole world of secrets I buried away and was cutting all up and down my arms just to feel something other than the predators touch!

I did in fact find My safe harbor over the next few years, but I was so ashamed of what was behind closed doors I wouldn’t really let them in! I had this AMAZING youth minister and his wife! They were like my second parents! I spent every inch of time I could with them because as long as I was with them I thought I was safe…. except when I wasn’t…. but I couldn’t say anything because then they would change how they felt about me! They loved me truly, without any need from me and the idea of disappointing them destroyed me! When my cutting got really out of hand and I could no longer control the urge, they still loved me! They still cared! They made it to where I always had that safe option! I was always welcome, I was there family! I will never forget the compassion that came with that kind of love! They helped me get past the cutting, I grew closer to Jesus… within months I had accepted Jesus as My Savior and was baptized! For once I was strong, I had faith… I had a real game plan on what I was doing with my life!

I wanted to be a youth minister! I wanted to help kids like me! I wanted to do for someone what they did… love without judgements… without any strings! I just wanted to do good and protect kids from seeing the ugly things I did! They saved me, until I choose to pull away! There was never a good bye with us, it was simply just when things got to be too much and iv was too afraid to open up again because I was ashamed! I was ashamed that I had fallen for this guy who had broken me in so many ways and he was pulling me further and further away from my minister and his wife! I didn’t recognize it then, he loved me <of course πŸ™„> and my stupid naive self just needed to be loved for so many reasons I started a habit of accepting that maybe this is what’s meant for me! If you haven’t heard of stockhome syndrome look it up! Then you’ll see how and why things changed!

As an adult digging into all this is scary because in reality unless I sit and really concentrate and sometimes get medicated during therapy so I can open up those doors…. I don’t think about any of it! I’ve pushed it so far down that I can’t and or won’t have Anything to do with it! Am I glad I dug in, ehhhhhh ya I guess because I learned so much about why my behaviors as an adult were learned behaviors that no one ever saw coming! This is why, so many people need to open there eyes! Take the time and look past someone’s sunglasses without judgement and help them! “Happy” souls like myself are the ones you never expect to be so miserable and the ones that 9/10 cut out of life early because no one reached in to pull them out of the rabbit hole they are expected to stay in! Look at Robin Williams and so many more! Take the time and get to know people, their stories, their conquest, there fears, most importantly just LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY AND UNAPOLOGETICALLY! Sometimes people wear their scars like tattoos and sometimes they hid them better than yours ever believe! Today I faced my past, today I learned why I love like I do, today I learned and accepted that I was too young to be out in situations but I was a survivor of nothing the less!

TODAY I HAVE TO FACE THAT MY CHILDHOOD SET ME UP FOR WHAT I WOULD DO, ENCOUNTER AND CREATE BEHAVIORS THAT WOULD LAST FOR THE NEXT 2 DECADES before I finally said ENOUGH is enough and started fixing all the wrongs one at a time! Today I take accountability for all my transgressions and my entire story. I could name a thousand reasons why “oh its not my fault” or I can accept that I adjusted to my surroundings and I choose to give up my relationship with Christ because I was mad at him! —– but that’s for the next blog!

Until next time

πŸ’› LaceySue

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