THIS! THIS RIGHT FREAKING HERE! let’s get vulnerable for a minute! Why, why is it so hard for society to allow people to change and not hold everything from their past against them. People change, things change! Lord knows, Ive changed!
who I am right now is not who I was a year ago, let alone who I was in the last 5 years or better! But I hear all the time, oh your just covering it up, or the old you will come back. No, no it won’t! I’ve spent HOURS doing the hard work in therapy to break who I once was, to destroy the path that I was headed, to fix the bitterness of learned behavior! Ya know when you got the absolute low of your life you have a chance to embrace it and do better or to just fall in with the rest! I refused to settle, I refused to accept that I was going to turn out the way I was, and I knew I deserved better than what anyone else was giving me, let alone what I was giving myself.
When I wasn’t even a teenager, my life was changed for me by one person’s choices! One person made a choice, an I at that point was forced to hold a secret. A secret that would set my entire life aside from anything I ever dreamed. That one secret would create a world of anger, self doubt, bitterness, it altered everything because I was too afraid to admit it or to tell anyone. I held that secret for a couple years, when it came to the surface I played it off as it was okay… because it meant someone cared right.
I mean, in reality if someone was going to give me so much “attention” we will call it, that means I’m special to them. That means they care, and that was important to me because I had absolutely no self worth. I longed to be loved on so many levels, so why not. Why not just stop fighting it and let it be! Sounds pathetic I’m sure, but you put yourself in my place at the age of 11/12 and I promise you. It’s hard as fuck to give up any sense of love when you hate yourself so much for allowing anything to take place!
I had no idea that, that “secret relationship” was going to do the damage it caused over the next 23 years! That one secret absolutely destroyed me on the inside and destroyed everything that was in my path. I hid that one secret from a lot of people, my family, and a lot of my friends I couldn’t bare To tell any of them. I was terrified, and I was well trained and groomed early enough to not realize what was going to come with the “Hey, this stays between us” ” I really like you, this is okay just go with it!” For fucks sake I was barely a Preteen! This began in my home church, and sadly continued until I was 16! I thought forsure, he loved me! Who does what’s going on, if it’s not love! That was the only way I could justify it, and deal with it. But I never realized it would play a part in my world for the next 23 years! I’m not that scared girl anymore. I’m not that girl who feels like I can’t breathe! I’m that girl that did the hard work, put in the tears, and had to admit to myself that I learned this behavior and it was not my fault. Now don’t get me wrong, I have lots of faults, and I will gladly OWN every single skeleton I have, but this event right here are discussing. THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT, I DID NOT DESERVE THIS, THIS WAS NEVER OKAY, AND I Didn’t do Anything wrong! He’s a horrible human, but I forgive him. I had to forgive him for my sake not his, but ill never forget! This man is someone unfortunately I still run into occasionally and at the age of 34, I still want to run and hide because the sight of him seems me straight into a panic attack. The sight of him, makes me gag! Who would have ever thought one “simple” secret was going to set me up for failure in 1000 ways, I sure never saw it coming!
learned behavior is something that people need to process! Learned behavior can be deadly! Learned behavior can affect everything you ever deal with and just allows the trauma to continue on in life’s circle! But LEARNED BEHAVIOR CAN BE BROKEN, if you are willing to do the work! Was it always a good human, absolutely not. Have I owned that, yes I sure I have! But stop, stop putting me and everyone else in a bubble of “oh they are just pretending to be better, it’s all for show!”
STOP THAT, because people can change! Call my therapist, call my best friends, call the people who have watched me transform in the last year of my life and they will tell you…. IM LIVING PROOF people change if they really want to! Give them the chance, break the toxic, and just sit back and see how beautiful the transformation can be!
When and if people want to change, we need to let them! Give them the chance, let them fall off the wagon and climb back on. Stop stero typing everyone because your skeletons are so deep that you don’t want to deal with yours, so you assume no one else can deal with there skeletons! Stop judging, stay looking at them and saying “I’m here, how can i help” “Hey you’ve got this” be that damn cheerleader that roots for the lil guy. Maybe them changing will inspire you to change! When someone wants change so much, DON’T DRAG THEM DOWN because your to insecure to deal with your own demons. Don’t make them question if they’ve really changed, don’t downgrade! This world has enough enemies and crappy humans. Why, so you need to be one! Be the God, and fight for the good! Let change be a beautiful thing, not a jealous thing because you are too afraid someone might steal your damn sunshine! If you are that scared that someone changing into a better person might affect what people think of you, honey you got a lot more to be concerned with and I hope you find you a bad ass support group to get you where you need to be! You can do it! If I can change so major things, I know you can and I’m ROOTING you on!
Rambles by LaceySue 