THIS topic entertains me to much! So let’s talk about ” Backtracking” the ones who got away! Every person I have ever dated, been with I have always prioritized high above myself! In fact, I normally set that bar so high that they struggle to find another person that will do the stuff I did for them! 9/10 each of these humans hurt me or treated me like crap and I took it, because I didn’t value myself at all! I never realized I was dimming myself down to appease men that didn’t deserve me! They didn’t deserve the love I had or gave them. They used me for their needs and them slowly destroyed my self worth day by day and I completely allowed it because the idea of being alone TERRIFIED me on all levels! I didn’t want to end up alone so I took whatever I got.
FOR years there’s been an on going joke throughout my friends because 90% of my ex’s come back and try again or think that’s an option! I get the “I miss you” ” I miss us” “There’s not life without you” ” Let’s try again” I use to feed into it everytime, because maybe they changed. Maybe they saw what they were missing and it can finally be amazing. But slowly I realized it would only last so long then when they realized I changed, and I wasn’t going to allow the same behavior, boom they would disappear again 🤣! Gone like a freight train!
It took a lot of heart ache to realize that, they aren’t the humans I want to be with! If they can hurt me the way they did, then they didn’t love me. They loved the idea of me, just like I loved the idea of them but in reality the toxic would eventually come back and it was a hard lesson in learning to let go! For instance, my very first from when I was 18, he was the highlight of my life…. this man called me all the time, daily nightly, he was an over the road truck driver! He actually dated one of my childhood best friends so he knew me! At the time I was a manager at pilot, and that’s how we rekindled along the way! This man was a delight but knew I was naive! Heck when I asked him if he lived alone, he even told me “I have a female roommate” I never batted an eye! I trusted him, why would I think anything else! Iwas desperately not okay, mentally I wasnot okay, so I grasped on to him! We will discuss that later though! So things kept moving along, smoothly, it was great! This man has to have loved me right, he was the first person I ever really cared about…. he was the first person I fully gave myself too. It wasn’t until after I gave him my heart and soul that I learned, he was married 😞😓😩😤 I was broken 💔 I felt destroyed! I was so mad at myself, how can I be that person! How did this happen! I hated myself, more than I already did! He swore they are separated, he was unhappy, they had a 1 year old, he was going to leave her. I knew it was all lies! I knew, I loved him but I knew it had to be done. That single experience destroyed a big part of my heart! How do you recover from that! For years I hated myself for that situation and the funny thing about it, I thought maybe I’ll be the reason he changes! Maybe I’ll be the reason he goes home and foxes it or he will just leave her! Because I hated that he was destroying another lady, his wife, and I told him it wasn’t fair to her!
So play the tape to 15 years later! Legit this all went down September 2005, let’s go to January 2020! Magically this man finds me on Facebook and wants to talk! So I agree to meet for coffee, we went to Starbucks! I listened to the same speal I got the forest time! Oh, were separated but I can’t finalize the divorce for this reason or the next and over and over again! So I listened but I made it clear, until I had divorce papers in my hand I wasn’t caving and I didn’t. He got so angry, told me I was irrational, and needed to process that he’d lose this much money if he didn’t wait and blah blah blah! I said that’s fine, you do you but as for me, until judici days you’re divorced I’m out! I’m so sick of men thinking manipulation is okay! It’s not! You can’t come at me with, oh this just needs to be accepted it will be fine…. no no it’s not! I allowed that man to destroy me because I believed him the first time…. that Good ole saying “Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me” he wasn’t prepared that I’d make demands or expect any better! He hoped I was still that lost, naive, broken girl that craved human consistency so much that I’d fall right back into his lap! I didn’t! I cut those ties and blocked him finally on every thing possible!
I was so gosh darn proud of myself too because I finally cared enough about myself to stop hating myself and start loving myself and finding my worth!
you see, from the age 11- 32 I hated myself! I allowed a lot of things to happen, some I had absolutely no choice in, but some i just was naive, dumb, unworthy, unloved, and I struggled with self worth so bad that I didn’t care what happened to me because deep down I didn’t care if I existed the entire time <we will go into that as well later>! I made a lot of horrible mistakes, I did things in not proud of but I own them. They’re mine, they’re a piece to a puzzle that unfortunately took over 2 decades to finally pull it all together but little by little it’s all about to come to the surface and the real me is coming to light as who I am and not who I was!
until then, LaceySue 💛
Rambles by LaceySue 