Losing the World is worth Finding Myself!

This…. this speaks VOLUMES! You know, I use to be that human who needed others! I needed to be surrounded by all the people. I needed to be loved by so many. For years actually I’ve allowed so many humans to walk over me! I’ve allowed so many things to be destroyed so I could hold a higher reputation. I was bitter, angry, mad but not at the world…. at myself! That’s a hard pill to swallow, too be able to say… hey I did a bunch of really crappy things to other humans and myself so I could make myself fit into certian perspectives of others! This year I worked solely on me…. on why I did things I’m not proud of, on why I treated some people unkindly, of why it was so important to fill the roles I attempted to fill.

insecurities at its finest is the anwser! I was so insecure, I was so alone <even surrounded by all kinds of people>, I was miserable at myself and projected it on to others! If you were one of those humans, I apologize! I’m sorry for the moments I allowed pettiness to take over, for the times I allowed myself To disrespect someone who never harmed me. I’m sorry that at one point in my life I treated people a way I felt, instead of what u should have been doing! That’s never the person I wanted to be, but I promise you this…. im doing better! I will be better!

I’ve struggled a lot this last year learning so much about myself. I’ve spent the hours of therapy. Let me tell ya all this much, my therapist she’s a Saint! She’s listened to me cry, laugh, house, silent, scream, angry, pretty much every single emotion known to God, that woman has just guided me! She doesn’t give me the answers, believe me I’ve tried…. instead she’s helped me learn to ask myself the questions and fully own all of it.

may 11th 2019 may have changed my life <another day, another blog> but deep down that one event brought me to finally be able to say “I truly love myself” I love the good, the bad, the happy, and sad! I’m not scared of my demons…. im not scared of what people say or think… if I did it or do it.. I own it! 2 years ago that wasn’t me… 1 year ago… that wasn’t me…. but it was the beginning of it all. I started therapy after the events on 5-11-19 but I didn’t really let her out myself in to my soul until a year after I started!

to be honest, the hardest lesson I’ve hard to learn to date is… how can someone <multiple ppl> I trusted choose to hurt me in unspeakable ways in reality I had to realize I was allowing it! I was allowing things to happens, I put trust into people I shouldn’t and I tried my best to always see the good in people!

the hardest thing to swallow is… some people aren’t good! Some are only there for their use of you and what that does for them. But it’s also a matter of some people just made bad choices and maybe never realized how much damage they can cause with their own insecurities!

I’m not even discussing my love life at this point… im discussing friendships! Ppl who like to play the victim, ppl who just flat out lie to your face, purple who you know didn’t mean to hurt you but may have! In the last week of my life I’ve got 3 doses of crappy situations and for once I didn’t turn bitter! Did I want to… absolutely, but I won’t because my energy isant worth their mistakes! My energy and my happiness isant dependent on having them as humans in my life. 3 people… 3 completely different situations! I’m mad at myself for not seeing it with two, but the other I expect nothing less from. You see, I have a very small circle of people I truly unruly trust! One of those people decided to betray my trust, to betray me by spreading a false accusation without any evidence them covering it up like it didn’t happen. It did! Then there’s one that spreads things about everyone 😹😹 those good ole shit stirrers that no one cares to even listen to… and one who I really wanted to see the good in and sometimes that’s just not what’s really behind the curtain… when these 3 situations happened instead of being the old me and freaking out, I’ve acted like nothing has happened and went on with my life because i realized it’s not about me. It’s about them taking their insecurities and trying to turn them on someone else so they could attempt to feel better about their lives! Hey…. you do you Boo boo! I’m not here to care or break myself down over something that’s out of my control. I know it wasn’t the situation but that’s okay… at the end of the day I can only anwser to what I do and hold myself accountable for my actions! Do I hate them, absolutely not.. in fact I love one of them very much but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt… do I hate what they did absolutely and that’s the difference. Knowing for the first time in my life I can look at the situation and hate the actions and not the person is big for me! I use to be able to hold a grudge like no other. You hurt me, the old me thought of how I could make you pay…. the new me thinks of the reasons on why… does the investigation work and makes the puzzle fit. I had to learn that sometimes people aren’t meant to be in your life, I had to learn that some good people, sometimes do bad things. The biggest lesson in everything has been learning that not everything is my fault, not everything is something I did or deserved. Those are major growths for me. To be able to look at the situation and realize that hey, this is not on me is huge because anyone that knows me knows I struggle to blame myself for 95% of what goes on. Nah, life happens… bad things happen, people can let you down, some people are just not good humans but realizing that not everything is about me is huge! Sure something was said about me, sure it hurt to hear but recognizing that it’s just someone’s petty insecurities of themselves projecting towards me is huge! Ya’ll growth is hard but so rewarding, therapy is hard but so rewarding…. ya’ll accountability is hard but dammit owning it all has really changed who I am. You want to know why I don’t hate these humans for hurting me…. because I use to be them… I use to be that insecure person who could only have one friend and couldn’t share. I use to depend on others for happiness instead of finding it myself… I use to be these people and now I’m not and that scares people!

change is scary for everyone but every single day in so greatful that I’m finally changing and growing into the human I want to be and the person whose pushed so hard to keep going forward even when life has giving me every reason to fall apart. To the people that have hurt me or someone else, I hope you find you! I hope and pray that someday you’ll see that there’s so much more to life than the fake appearances the world sees. I hope you find the love in yourself that you deserve! I hope you find the peace that your heart earns for because it’s there. You just have to push to get there and you have to want to be better instead of trying to out do others…. and push them down. This world needs more uplifting of strangers but more than that is needs more honesty with ourselves! I’m so greatful for each experience as I’m slowly unraveling a whole new me and I hope every person that needs to find that for themselves does! πŸ’›πŸ’›πŸ’›

until later, much love


p.s. if the shoe fits, lace it up and wear it! You don’t like the shoes…. only you can choose another pair!

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