17 weeks…. 17 long weeks with some answers finally dwindling down! 17 weeks ago Saturday… I was simply doing what I loved the most, I was cleaning my house and preparing for a evening with what was once my favorite human! The month before hand had been insane…. kids covid, then wes hurt, then emergency surgery, then Victoria… I was just looking forward to spending a simple, fun evening with what was once my only safe place!
That day… no one had any idea that day was going to turn into such a nightmare but yet was also going to mold me into who I’m becoming and for that I can see the silver lining!
17 weeks ago when I came to and had that little puncture in my leg i. Imagine it would be like everything else and would phase out! Unfortunately that little wound has caused a lot of problems. 4 admits to the hospital, 7 emergency room visits, 15 weeks of antibiotics, 1 week steroid cream, the first set of biopsies, 1 primary, 1 wound doctor, 4 hospital list, 1 infectious wound doctor, 20 or more amazing nurses, and now we start with new doctors, new methods, more biopsies to get further into what the first gave us and in all honesty we are barely any closer than we were in the beginning! 4 new nodulers and 6 potential new pimple like ulcers waiting to unleash and what once was such a small day that I simply collapsed into a silly portable wardrobe who would have ever thought that little wound could cause so much havoc! I’ve always been clutzy but I always bounce back….
This wound is taking its every chance to knock me down and because of that…. thats why I fight it! This wound has made me better! I had been working for months/ years to be a better human for everyone but this wound has made me realize I have to be better for me to!
I get it when everyone says “if you’d stay off of it, it’d heal” NO. You’re wrong! It’s a disease inside my body that is what’s causing it to not heal…. no doctor has said I can’t work. In fact my doctors know me well enough that if I don’t work my mental health would strike me harder! Being on my leg isant going to make it worse, it doesn’t always help it but it gives me a reason to push! It gives me a reason to keep going, my poor wound doctor sees me every week and every week he reminds me that the people like me that stay positive and keep pushing are the ones that keep helping those that can’t! It gives me a chance to fight for a normal me, over settling that I may or may not always be able to do that!
I’ve processed really hard over the last few weeks the what if’s, the results, the what can come, the “inevitable ” and that all can really make a person think! Ya’ll know I’m that girl with the funny jokes… oh my leg, ya were just gonna change my name to Eileen, and I’ll go work at Ihop but in all honesty…. amputation wouldn’t even an option at this point! If some tiny nickel size wound won’t heal…. the chances of an amputation wouldn’t heal! I Crack jokes but in all honesty It’s really one of my only coping mechanisms I’ve got left!
I can tell you this wound makes me appreciate so much more than I ever have in my entire life! The little things, the things people take for granted…. those little things I adore them! From the friend that sends a random “I love you” to the kid at dollar general that I got to first bump that day because they came in just to say hi! I can tell you I’m 💯 better at listening to everything…. the big and small details, im more attentive, im more personable, im more compassionate, im more assertive, im more decisive, im more honest, I hold my self completely accountable! I can tell you this wound has brought me a lot closer to a place I’ve wanted to get back for quite sometime… it’s really tested my faith but it’s also made it so much stronger! It’s been extremely scary, it’s made me completely vulnerable, it’s made me push harder than I’ve ever cared to push! It’s also settled with my heart!
This wound has had so many impacts and sure I could sit in my bed, and live on pain meds and just become constantly depressed wondering if this bad boy is ever going to actually heal or what could come! OR I can keep pushing, and being the same human I’ve strives so hard to be that regardless the outcome I didn’t quit mentally or physically! I pushed with everything I had, I cried just as much as I smiled, I laughed just as hard as I was in pain, and knowing that regardless I didn’t just give up when I had every single chance to!
Thats hugh for me! For years my go to was to give up, just accept what I was handed and now look a simple little wound that turned everything upside down also BROUGHT SO MUCH LIGHT INTO IT ALL! I have learned who my friends are, I’ve learned who was in my life for their purpose, I’ve learned who I can count on regardless where the world leads me! I’m so freaking blessed, I’ve never realized how much I truly had until it all started hitting the fans. The friends chatting with each other on how they child jump in with the kids while I was admitted… the ones who show up when I’m sitting in the hospital with an ivy in my arm on lots of pain meds and just sit and listen and laugh…. oh some of the best laughs have happened since this started! The people who send random messages or show up just checking in…. or let’s talk about those lucky individuals that have watching this wound hit 50 shades of gross over snapchat with me! Ya’ll some of the smallest gestures really make a person feel loved but it also made me so greatful to be that person that loves to do that for others! Regardless in this life if nothing else the only goal I’ve ever had was to leave a legacy, to be remembered as someone who loved to much, laughed uncontrollably and who lived with everything I had! The best lesson I ever learned was it was okay to process things in your own way, but it wasn’t okay to just accept them! I’m so greatful to be surrounded by so many genuinely good humans that have really helped push me to be so much better! To take the bad, find the good in it! To be sad but not sad enough it destroyed the happy in you. To accept that It’s not in my control! Learning that it’s never been in my control, it was hard because I have some issues with wanting control but everything happens for a reason, a season or a lifetime! I can control how I handle life but I can’t control what happens in life! There’s much higher powers involved with that, and his plans keep unraveling day after day! 💛💛💛💛
17 weeks later and it’s still just the beginning 💛 I saw this picture and it hit me, so sorry not sorry for the rant …. we all know it’s what I do but know if I’m being quiet it’s really just because I’m processing and reflecting ! I’m learning and I’m growing! I’m pushing and I’m being optimistic! Some days I sleep more than I move, and some days I work 15 hour days, some days I just have to sit with my own thoughts and some days I just want to chat away. But regardless everything that’s happened in the last 17 weeks I’m so greatful to have found a love for me and a push for myself that I hadn’t seen in a very long time! The want to keep going…. the need to do the not every day normal things…. the learning how to live in the present! The less time on my phone at home, more time with my kids at games, or letting the kids have random sleepovers. I’ve learned so much, in such a little amount of time but i had taken so much of that for granted not realizing it until you spend over 20 days in a hospital..off and on. until your lil bit has to wonder if momma gets to come home from her apt, the basketball games I had to miss because I was in to much pain or in the hospital with an ivy in my arm again. All the things I loved, I took for granted and I don’t ever want to be that person again. I want my kids to know that at the end of the day, I did every single thing I could to really be apart of their lives and to put us in a better place. I want the purple in my life to always realize how much I appreciate them not have to ever question where I stand and above all else I just want to keep working at being a better human for everyone I love, the people I don’t know, and the ones who probably wish they didn’t know me lol! I just want to be better than who I was yesterday every day… do I fail, absolutely…. do I quit….. absolutely NOT…. I own what mistakes i make, I don’t hold back and i LOVE way too much but I will always try to be better and love better! Less judgement and more love is a big part of what this world needs! Be kind to others but most importantly be kind to yourself! #BeYouYourTheOnlyOneGodMadeThisWay
Until later,
With much love,
LaceySue 💛
For those who have been following the “Wound”
Tuesday the decision to take me off antibiotics again <knowing I will more than likely end up being admitted again> and try steroids was made by a new physician and then followed up with by my wound clinic doctor as well! The hope is that the steroids will help what’s going on, until we can get further results from the second set of biopsies they took on Tuesday along with the new culture’s! We should have all those results within over the next 2 weeks and will see what’s to come along the way! I appreciate all the concerns <I know I over do it sometimes>, as much as I appreciate all the love I’ve watched since this began! Thankfully if nothing else this little wound is making such a huge impact on my perspectives on a whole new level!
Rambles by LaceySue 