The Sailor- Those lessons though

The Sailor

Let’s start with this…. although this current situation was a BIG LESSON, it could have easily been the end of me. It could have went so many ways… but thankfully I’ve been working so hard at loving myself that I didn’t let this…. define me! It defines him!

SO MANY of you have heard me talk in the last 4 weeks about how the “Sailor” was coming to spend his deployment stay with me. We made plans, he asked me to include my friends, we were gonna give it a real shot…. it was going to be our Serendipity!

long story short we started talking in 2019…. 2020 we started talking about meeting and boom covid happened…. that was his excuse out. I accepted it! Sept 2020 he tried to come back into my life but I wasn’t available so… we let it go!

so randomly February 2022 we decided to start chatting…. things moved pretty quick! Within a couple weeks of talking he asked if he could come see me on leave for 2 weeks! I agreed, and we started making plans! Plans for us, the kids, my friends, his family. We had days planned out. We were going to get tattoos. We were going to just enjoy the 14 days and see what happened!

He sent me his flight information and the game plan was I would pick him up at st louis on 3-22-22 @ 228pm.

ready… set… go…. right?

SOOOO…. this was big… this was a big step for me. Let’s be honest… since MP and I cut ties in October… I hadn’t really found anyone who entertained my heart. Mp did a lot of mental damage to me and broke my spirit, obviouslythere were great times to … so the idea of trying again really terrified me but I decided… after the last 9 months of chaos at this point in my life YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE…. why not give it my all…. what’s the worst that can happen…. <HAHAHA NO WORRIES IT DID JUST THAT… THE WORST! >

AH and I would talk every day all day most the time non stop. Lots of opening up, lots of truths, lots of stories… I adored him. I always did. I shared some of my most vulnerable things with this guy. Because I decided at the end of the day…. I’d worked so hard at owning my story, I was going to be 💯 real! He was in Guam, I was here.. 14 hours apart and we always made it work.

Let’s fast forward to the dooms day! The night before his plane was leaving..we talked for hours through messenger as always! We actually stayed up till 3am my time, 1am his <he was in San Diego at this point> About our nerves and excitement

I mean come on, who wouldn’t believe this prince charming! Finally at 3am we finished taking and he said I’ll see you in less than 12 hours! Ya’ll…. I still had so NYC anxiety but I was SOOOOO EXCITED!

that morning I got up at 6am, ran around silly…. got to my hair apt at 8am SHE ROCKED IT YA’LL! LET ME TELL YOU THIS MUCH, NOT ONLY DID THIS LADY DO A GREAT JOB BUT she straight up came in on her day off because this was so important to me!

she made me BEAUTIFUL

next up… had to go grab shoes because i left the house in ugly sandles, it was raining but that’s okay… I kept saying ” rain is good luck on wedding days, maybe for dates it would be too” I kept absolutely positive about everything! Drove to st louis… lord I was a mess haha but I was holding it together…. got there about an hour early…. got inside…. figured out where I was suppose to go… seen where his plane was delayed from 228 to 243… okay okay no big deal….. until

that moment when you realize… 2 hours had went by and he never got off the plane! He never showed up… my heart was a freaking mess, I couldn’t talk to anyone… I gave every benefit of the doubt and finally I had to accept that…. he was never going to be there!

I’m not sure who in their right mind feels like what just happened is okay, but it’s not! None of it was. Even if he got cold feet, at any point in time he could have sent a message im not coming, anything but instead I got no messages. He didn’t block me, but he also had never opened my message from Tuesday either! I’m sure he’s not going to. He knew he was wrong… he knew what he did was not okay! You should never do anything like that to anyone. I was terrified to come home, how am I going to face everyone whose expecting prince charming. This was one of the hardest but best lessons in the long run.

let me tell you this much… if it wasn’t for my support group and my kids, that day could have went so bad… so fast! All my friends checked on me instantly and i told them all… “I’m not okay, this was a whole new level of hurt, ill be okay but I need to be left alone” basically! I turned off my location… and I sat and cried in my car for a while! When I realized I wasn’t in a great place…. I reached out to a person and decided I wasgoing to go stay there, away from the rest of the world for the night. At least until the numbness wore off!

this was my safe place for 10.5 months and it was the first place I ran but for the very last time!

I’d love to say that helped but really all it did was make me realize how much I really didn’t want that either! I was sick of going back to comfortable places because I was too scared to take a chance….. I appreciated the hospitality but I knew our time was done as well!

the normal me…. would have dwelled on why AH did what he did, or why I shouldn’t just try to make things work with MP since he had decided to pop his head back in to the scenario a few days prior but really all that I came up with was… I needed to get into my therapist quickly but her earliest apt was noon…

I left MP, I went straight to DG where bless their hearts my 2 favorite pals met me with big hugs and love yous! I bought a big thing of ice cream and chocolate syrup and sat in the office eating away my sorrows…. I came home for a little while, but I couldn’t get out of my car…. I was so NUMB… this pain was such a different kind of pain… my heart hurt…. I finally changed clothes and headed to therapy because I couldn’t look at that outfit. I didn’t even want to remember Tuesday existed!

I walked into therapy 2 days early and looked straight at her face and said “and the shit show continues” we had just spent the previous Friday discussing that MP came back in contact and that I felt i needed to give AH a fighting chance and them boom…. 4 days later and all feel broke loose lol! I expressed all my feelings and that’s when we started making major progress because we uncovered a piece I hadn’t let go of… and at that very point I realized…. its time to not give in but to fight harder for myself.

the old me would have went back to work, not taken the vacation, and tried to make myself so busy that I couldn’t process anything!

nope nope nope I decided right then and right there… this was a lesson to grow, to learn, to not repeat again with either of them! I had once again chose to go back to familiar places with both of them because new scared me and I was not doing that anymore. Fool me once shame on you, twice shame on me. Third time haha YES I SUCK AT HAVING TO BIG OF A HEART but okay okay lord…. I get it now! Let the past be the past!

I walked out of therapy feeling a whole new way, realizing things at surface value and seeing more of my worth than ever before!

I also walked out of therapy to a new friend request… from someone I didn’t know but had mutual friends with…. I think there will possibly be a blog in the future about that but for now… im going back to enjoying vacation… A vacation based on my wants and needs! It’s a me-cation, a soul reaching time to work on some things I’ve needed to process for a while!

until next time…

Love Always Lacey Sue!

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