Let’s go back to May 2019
Disclaimer: Obviously there was a lot of damage to my life prior to this time but here’s where My Comeback streams! Here’s where I hit rock bottom, completely over life in general! This is also where, and how I started taking back control over my life! What you are about to read, is not for the faint at heart! It’s not rainbows and sunshine! It’s dark, cloudy and hard…… but it’s also a testimonial moment in my life where maybe just maybe someone whose been there will realize THEY ARE NOT ALONE! I’ve worked so hard at OWNING MY STORY, it’s time to touch base with one of the biggest pieces to the puzzle!
May 10th 2019…. it was a Friday…. it was chilly that day. For the week prior to this one of my closet friends <now> had been staying at my house in the evenings… we were trying to see if there was something still between us or not.. I woke up that morning and I realized I didn’t know what I wanted but that wasn’t it! I told him I needed a break away to think! He loved me, but I couldn’t hurt him not knowing what I wanted! I’ve struggled with being alone my entire life! I struggled to sleep alone! But it wasn’t fair to lead him on when I didn’t know where I stood! <this story is not about him, but I can’t leave this part out without it making sense>
that evening after work I went to another friend’s house. We sat around a fire, just us and her husband while our children played! This was nothing it of the normal for us to do on random nights! Sir outside, chat, and just relax. I had a slight head cold… my nose was running and it was driving me crazy…. about 9pm I left and dropped my kids off to my parents house for the night because I had to work at 5am.
I went home, talked to my buddy that was in Taylorville correction center on the phone and took some benadryl to help me sleep so I could get up at 4am!
WHEN I WENT TO BED THAT NIGHT I never dreamed my entire life was going to change! I had no idea what was coming. I had no idea how the next 7 hours of my life were going to affect me…. all i knew was, it was a normal Friday night and I was ready for bed!
I watched some TV and fell asleep….. it wasn’t until I was awakened in a way, I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy!
sleeping meds and benadryl have always knocked me out hard. I’ve never been easy to wake up… lord do I wish I was!
By the time I woke up and realized what was happening….. it was at a point of no return! An ex of mine I guess you could say…. he crossed a line! He broke a boundary that you can’t come back from…… he broke me on an entire whole new level! By the time I was awake he had not only helped himself into my house, into my bedroom, but also into me! He was drunk! He had just lost his grandmother! It’s not An excuse but it’s where the story evolves! I tried to fight, I screamed, I yelled, I CRIED! I FELT PARALYZED! I was so lost! My heart and mind were racing! How could this happen…. how in the hell can someone live through this twice <may 2007.>
<<<<<>>>back story may 2007, 12 years earlier, this was my reality… it was kept pretty hush hush because I was a McQueen! That man was extradited from Las Vegas, Nevada by a Shelby County cop and detective! That detective was the only bright shining star I had at that point and to this day I’ll forever be thankful for him. He hand picked this man up and he confessed to him ” he hit a point of no return and admitted to what he did to me and I made peace with it because <RM> the detective made sure it was taken care of! Reality is….. I never really dealt with it though…. which is probably why this Rape was a whole new level! >>>>>>>>>>
Goodness, my ❤️…. you realize there’s people that’s known me my entire life and have no idea that either of these events happened….. I’ve blocked them for so long…. pretended to be okay! It’s fine, it is what it is, NO ITS NOT! Let’s break the silence! Let’s break the hiding trauma! Let’s normalize that it’s okay to OWN IT ALL!
Let’s go back to this story! May 11th…. after the “attack” had taken place…. I was A GIANT MESS! I SCREAMED I CRIED UNCONTROLLABLY! I WAS SCARED, someone i knew came into my house while I was asleep and took something that didn’t belong to them. All i could think was WTF would anyone think any of this was okay! I had to be at work in just a few hours and I was in all honesty just in shock. I couldn’t function but I couldn’t stay at my house…. I tried to go to Walmart to get a morning after pill but I couldn’t handle seeing anyone. I was terrified! I decided to head straight to work <anyone that knows me, I don’t miss work> I sat in that parking lot and the girl I was taking over for at 5 sat and listened to me cry because I was too scared to get out of my car! I couldn’t process, I couldn’t feel bit I knew working in a nursing home I was safe behind locked doors. In all honesty that’s probably why I went to work…. no one could get in that building without a code! More importantly HE COULD NOT get in there without a code! AM tried to get me to tell my boss, tried to get me to call in, I couldn’t. I didn’t want anyone to know, I felt disgusting, used, a mess….. I just wanted to work and pretend NOTHING HAPPENED! I COULDN’T, I tried! All I could do was shake and cry. Thankfully there were 2 amazing nurses there that day that helped me, I sure they could tell you in detail what kind of shape I was in. They both just listened and talked…. a couple hours had passed and I still wasn’t okay because I knew i had to go home…. I knew the locks on my door weren’t good….. I knew I could not go back to that house.. without different locks.. I got up the courage to call one of my best friends ” JB, can you have RB go get locks and change them…. im at work I get off at 5 but I can’t come home without the locks changed” of course she knew instantly something was wrong…. I briefly gave her some of the information and without a thought she sent her husband to do just what i needed. She tried to talk me into calling the cops, I didn’t want to….. id already been through this before…. I know how that all goes…after staying at mason point for 12 hours i came home and found RB doing the locks on my door. I could barely look at him… he hugged me and i broke..i lost it… i hated this hiuse, i hated myself, and i hated the rapist even more…. . JB did finally talk me into going to the hospital and doing a rape kit!
that night about 9 o’clock we arrived at SBLH …. one of the amazing nurses I talked about earlier was also a nurse here and told me what I needed to do to make it easier on myself. So JB and I walked into that emergencyroom…. we handed the registration lady a piece of paper that said sexual assault and quickly I was taking back into the triage room. My blood pressure was over 200 and this was roughly 20 hours later. I was smart enough to not shower in the meanwhile but it was more of a I was to paralyzed to do Anything mentally and physically. They quickly moved me into a room where the kindness nurse was there to assure me I wasokay, JB didn’t leave my side once. Next thing I knew a lady walked in, wearing regular clothes. She gave me her name and told me she was with SACIS! She explained that if I was okay with it, she was going to be there through every step to make sure I was comfortable and everything was in my control! I agreed! She explained every step… did you all know there’s over 20 steps to a rape kit… I didn’t <the first time I didn’t have to have one because he openly admitted in text what he did so the cops just used that! I wouldn’t wish a rape kit on my worst enemy… its so invasive, it’s traumatizing, it down right sucks! From having your hair on your arms, head, legs combed for evidence let alone pictures, filing of nails, leaving your clothes behind for evidence…. its down right humiliating! Over 4 hours later I was finally given lorazapam, the morning after pill, and some other meds and got to go home.
JB dropped me off at my house and I called into my boss and told him I couldn’t come…. I wasn’t okay…. I needed to sleep…. I hadn’t really slept in 2 days just a couple hours prior to the attack. He was wonderful about it and found someone to cover for me without me having to tell him in detail what had happened.
the next few days were sooooo hard… the next few weeks were BAD. I was paranoid… what if he comes back… because he wasn’t leaving me alone. This man taunted me for months…. for months I baracaded doors, I slept next to the front door with a knife in case he got in… I slept in my car because I was to afraid to come inside…. my children had no idea what happened just that I was not okay. All I did was shake, yell, cry…. I hid…. I avoided anyone and everyone…. I couldn’t handle being alone so I started going g to the bar with friends. They knew what happened and were keeping close tabs in Me. One night I came home and my door was open… 2 of my friends PC and BM both came guns a blazing and checked over the whole house. Living in fear makes you different, makes you hate, makes you bitter, makes trusting life hard!
That attack changed my life! It opened my eyes. Did I report it to the police no, because he’s a well known human and it was his word verse mine. Did I tell the police what happened yes, and WPD did keep an eye for me. I chose to not report it but to have my rape kit sit in a vault in case at something in time I was ready to do something with it. Some may not agree with this and that’s okay…. for me. MY MENTAL HEALTH, MY KIDS, AND MY WORLD had to come above being drug through the mud with a rape case yet again. The last one took over 2 years of my life and I fought it during my pregnancy with my oldest. I was not going through it all again. Instead I found myself going to SACIS where I met my therapist and started slowly unraveling the attack and the past! O started the healing process…. it was ugly…. I’ve definitely not always been a good human during it. The bitterness made me evil for a long time… it wasn’t until about a year after the rape that I started unraveling the REAL me…. the whole me… and I started working on a better me. What I could do differently to assure I never had yo encounter something so hard that at any point in time in that first year after the world could have lost me. My mental health was so unstable, and I couldn’t function without alcohol or other substances along the way. I was so lost, I was so hurt, and I was scared out of my mind.
I thank God everyday now not that the attack happened, but that I was brave enough to face it < of course with my amazing support system and therapist that is> that night changed me…. that night changed who I water to be and why I push so hard at everything I start. That night is why I love so hard, and why I care to much. That night will forever be impounded into my head but not as a night if weakness but as the night I became a real survivor to this world. A night I could use to share with all of you so that when and if this ever happens you don’t have to feel the shame I did, you don’t have tobtake the hard a way around. That without judgment at any point in time you can call me, message me, send flares in the air whatever you need to do to know you aren’t alone and you need an ear that there’s always a place for you with me. My story matters, and so does yours! My attack created a new overwhelming positive Lacey that many hadn’t seen in a very long time because I had lost sight of who I was sooo many years go, trying to hold up to the perfect reputation in this town that i finally found me in the process. My comeback made me stronger, made me love harder, made me appreciate time in today where I use to live in the past! This is my story and I own it completely and unapologetically!
until next time,
LaceySue 💛
Rambles by LaceySue 