If I could only have known back then, what I know now! A letter to my self at such a very small age!

So we’ve been doing this whole therapy thing for 3 years now…. 3 years of what started as simple therapy to adjust to the aftermath from attack of 2019! We worked hard on that subject but lil by lil as we were working on recovering my memory bits and pieces of the past were about to come to face! I fought it, I didn’t want to dig into the unknown…I didn’t want to rehash the ugly truths most the world never knew, only my safe places knew those and to be honest I’m not even sure they knew everything.

Disclaimer-this isant a pitty blog, you can take that and shove it 🤣 this blog is so I can bless it, feel it in a healthy manor and make peace! 😘

I was always the girl who ” Talked a Lot”, “who strived to be friends with everyone”, who was the social butterfly 🦋! It was the same with every teacher, every report card…. I was A Friendly soul, who talked nonstop, who loved more than most could imagine, who volunteered more than most, who stuck around after class, who would come to school on days there weren’t school to grade papers or build slide shows because it was my safe harbor….

But what no one realized was Why, I was that way and at what cost it came my direction to be THAT GIRL! No one processed that maybe I was Loud, silly, obnoxious, annoying, talkative, rambunctious, caring, outgoing all because I just wanted to be seen, heard, loved!

My therapist and I have been talking about the younger me for months… I had no real memories or very vague ones at that…. there’s was a lot of damage. There’s so much no one has even the slightest of ideas about. Then we decided it was time to dive head first in and see if we could pull it out….. let me tell you, Monday was probably one of the most vulnerable days, I’ve ever had! Today I had to admit a lot of things, I had to face a lot of ugly, and I cried my eyes out for over 2 hours but i seen pieces of me that had been swept completely under the rug! MONDAY WAS A GREAT DAY because for the first time in over 2 years of thinking about going into the unknown I finally without fear did it, felt it, and now it’s time to blog it and release it!

Today I realized I was the attention seeking girl for so long because I’ve been running from so much my whole life! I’ve ran away and clinched on to people to feel something, to feel love! I’m not saying my parents didn’t love me, so please don’t read into that! There was just so much that has always been hidden, swept under the rug, or better yet forgotten on purpose because rehashing those events triggers pain, brokenness, and loss! There’s so much in reality my own family has no idea about because I became a professional at hiding everything!

The younger me has struggled my entire life and we’re talking a very young age since the bullying started back in grade school! The fat jokes, & comments. The nicknames that hurt my feelings! The being treated like i was never gonna hold up to the standards set upon me! For over 26 years of my life MY WEIGHT HAS PLAYED A TREMENDOUS IMPACT ON MY LIFE! For over 26 years of my life MY NEED TO PLEASE PEOPLE has made a overwhelming impact on my life! For over 26 years I’ve fought with myself over the fact that PEOPLE LEAVE, people abandon, things get hard and they run! I never realized, fully realized until today that I ran towards everything I NEVER SHOULD HAVE because it meant maybe just maybe I’d feel love I craved so hardly and be able to feel safe! THESE ARE HARD PILLS TO SWALLOW THAT MAYBE JUST MAYBE had I seen the light at the end of the tunnel maybe I didn’t have to feel this hurt, maybe I wouldn’t have done those horrible things I did, maybe I wouldn’t have needed to be loved in all the wrong ways! But then I realized IT’S THE FACT THAT REGARDLESS WHAT HAPPENED, IT HAPPENED! I can’t go back, I can’t fix it, all I can do is face it and let it go! So many missing puzzle pieces came to life today and sadly we aren’t done yet but We did Amazing work! I cried, I cried hard ugly tears that made me speechless at moments because I could finally remember things I couldn’t for so long! Things came out of me today that I hadn’t pictured in years because it was too painful!

At a very young age, I was a social butterfly! I wanted to fit in with everyone! I wanted everyone to be my friend, I wanted my teachers to love me! I wanted to feel needed, accepted, happy! I wanted what came naturally to so many and I didn’t like myself or the body I was given! I was always the fat kid. I was always bigger, and believe me kids made sure I knew! My sister was never “big” I wanted to be like her so much! I envied her on every level! She had friends, smarts, boys, love…. everything I ever wanted….. and all I had was me. I reason skipping so much school because I couldn’t face anymore comments, i couldn’t face not being liked, not being popular, not being wanted. I’ve struggled to feel wanted for more than 3/4th of my life! I’m not saying anyone intentionally or non intentionally did that or caused that…. it’s just what happened! I was too afraid to tell anyone how i felt, how lonely most of my days felt, how when I begged to help clean my friends bedrooms it wasn’t because I wanted to… it was because I was afraid to be alone, because pieces of me were missing, because there was so much going on that no one REALLY KNEW behind the scenes and all that doesn’t need rehashed yet!

Being that girl that everyone kept around was exhausting but it also kept me safe! I bounced from one friend to another! Normally I was that person that could really only have 1 or 2 friends at a time because I didn’t trust people and I waited for when I was no longer going to be good enough to keep around. I’d serve my purpose to them and off I’d go to the next one! I lived my life this way in all honestly for YEARS like over a decade or more! I learned early in life people leave, friends stop and move on, and come back when they were done! I had no idea as a younger me, that I was beginning curses upon myself that the rest of the world never saw coming! I created behaviors, patterns, started searching, discovering and setting my footprints in what was to come my only reality!

At the age of 5th grade I was so bound determined to have friends I would do Anything they asked me to do….. that year molded a whole new me…. a real me that was going to set myself up for instant and long term failure! —— You see my Best friend left me in 5th grade…..—- disclaimer who parents made her go with them haha but that’s when I became the girl “I wasn’t scared of Anything, if I was dared to do it… I did because if I didn’t there were consequences” we won’t be your friends if you don’t do this, if you really want to be my friend you’ll do this… I was searching to replace L. NICOLE …..” you see we hadn’t been separated since our mom’s gave birth and we were across from each other in the hospital rooms haha or atleast that’s what we told everyone even though our birthdays are almost a month apart hahaha! We were that close of best friends! We had never been apart from each other until then and then I had was left to fend for myself….. I had lost other friends and family members over the years but that one hit different. I then started bad habits of pleasing others, to find love and comfort again!

These kids that would make constant jokes, that would call me lassie the squatting dog, that would chase me with sticks and hit me because they thought it was funny, cute, clever, whatever the hell was wrong with them….. ya know I say these kids but it was mainly 1 kid that really brings up the triggers.<others contributed but not as harshly>… 1 kid that broke me in so many ways, and then less than 2 years later his role in my life changed from being a horrible mean kid…. to someone who “groomed” his way in to my heart! He became someone who pushed his way in and I for once wasn’t the kid he was making fun of but the one he was loving behind closed doors <from my very first blog>

It was hard to admit that as a 6th grader going into 7th grade a choice was made for me to become a dirty little secret and I had no idea that …. the next few years were going to mold me into a dark existence! The thing I found most clarity in was that, never once during any of this did I stray from being who I was…. I became even more of a socal butterfly to society… I clinged into my faith even more, I pushed that maybe just maybe someone would see what was behind my fake smile and they would save me! I just wanted to be saved or freed!

Holding so many secrets is so hard as an adult yet looking back as a child no wonder I reached for whatever grasps of feelings I could find! I felt numb for so long…. I would lash out in anger… I just wanted to cry but I couldn’t because I was taught crying was a weakness! So when I would want to feel..i struggled until one day I found out a way to feel! A way to let my emotions go and be able to feel somewhat normal and safe! That day was shaving my legs and knicked my leg… i felt that pain and decided maybe i could feel more! I took apart that razor and I took that blade and I ran it across my left arm/shoulder 3 times <I still have the scars> but I felt something! For the first time in SOOOOOOO long I felt something! You see I was a fat kid so I didn’t wear tank tops, I didn’t change in the locker room with everyone else! I hid in the showers and changed so no one would see my body, let alone so no one would now find out that I had a new release! A way to feel, it was scary but powerful! I had control <it so I thought> of my body and self! Until the news traveled through the school! I openly told one person, she was and I still consider her to be one of my best friends! She had saw it in the locker room! She told her mother the principal <who is still such a great role model in my life> and things changed! It was at that point I was forced to go to therapy, at that point i had brought shame to my friends and family, at that point the doctors started throwing so many different anti depressants my direction….. no one understood how this happy girl could possibly be cutting herself! It made no sense because I was hiding so much and child fake that smile like no tomorrow!

The school pushed my parents to put me in therapy but no one wanted to risk what was going to come out of my mouth, so I only had to do it for a little while! I grew up in a time where the less people knew about you the safer you were! Carrying around the “McQueen” status was a high standard as to what was acceptable and what wasn’t! What was allowed to be known and what wasn’t! That’s a LOT of pressure to put on a child… I was still just a child! Once I had been caught, I knew I had to find a way to feel… and i tried different things but nothing brought the same feeling as that razor! So I learned to be more cautious of where I cut, that way I didn’t risk anyone finding out! Heavens for bid once the kids did find out I gained the new nickname of “Slice and dice!” I’ll never forget the one person I loathed for years <poor guy 🤣> when he called me that it broke me! I was bound determined no one was going to find out again and I became very good at hiding it! I hated myself so much by that point that I was cutting horrible names I would be called into my stomach! “Fatty, lassie, B$tch, lardo” thankfully 2 kids later you can’t really see those scars anymore but I litterly hated myself I didn’t care! By freshmen year there was a whole world of secrets I buried away and was cutting all up and down my arms just to feel something other than the predators touch!

I did in fact find My safe harbor over the next few years, but I was so ashamed of what was behind closed doors I wouldn’t really let them in! I had this AMAZING youth minister and his wife! They were like my second parents! I spent every inch of time I could with them because as long as I was with them I thought I was safe…. except when I wasn’t…. but I couldn’t say anything because then they would change how they felt about me! They loved me truly, without any need from me and the idea of disappointing them destroyed me! When my cutting got really out of hand and I could no longer control the urge, they still loved me! They still cared! They made it to where I always had that safe option! I was always welcome, I was there family! I will never forget the compassion that came with that kind of love! They helped me get past the cutting, I grew closer to Jesus… within months I had accepted Jesus as My Savior and was baptized! For once I was strong, I had faith… I had a real game plan on what I was doing with my life!

I wanted to be a youth minister! I wanted to help kids like me! I wanted to do for someone what they did… love without judgements… without any strings! I just wanted to do good and protect kids from seeing the ugly things I did! They saved me, until I choose to pull away! There was never a good bye with us, it was simply just when things got to be too much and iv was too afraid to open up again because I was ashamed! I was ashamed that I had fallen for this guy who had broken me in so many ways and he was pulling me further and further away from my minister and his wife! I didn’t recognize it then, he loved me <of course 🙄> and my stupid naive self just needed to be loved for so many reasons I started a habit of accepting that maybe this is what’s meant for me! If you haven’t heard of stockhome syndrome look it up! Then you’ll see how and why things changed!

As an adult digging into all this is scary because in reality unless I sit and really concentrate and sometimes get medicated during therapy so I can open up those doors…. I don’t think about any of it! I’ve pushed it so far down that I can’t and or won’t have Anything to do with it! Am I glad I dug in, ehhhhhh ya I guess because I learned so much about why my behaviors as an adult were learned behaviors that no one ever saw coming! This is why, so many people need to open there eyes! Take the time and look past someone’s sunglasses without judgement and help them! “Happy” souls like myself are the ones you never expect to be so miserable and the ones that 9/10 cut out of life early because no one reached in to pull them out of the rabbit hole they are expected to stay in! Look at Robin Williams and so many more! Take the time and get to know people, their stories, their conquest, there fears, most importantly just LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY AND UNAPOLOGETICALLY! Sometimes people wear their scars like tattoos and sometimes they hid them better than yours ever believe! Today I faced my past, today I learned why I love like I do, today I learned and accepted that I was too young to be out in situations but I was a survivor of nothing the less!

TODAY I HAVE TO FACE THAT MY CHILDHOOD SET ME UP FOR WHAT I WOULD DO, ENCOUNTER AND CREATE BEHAVIORS THAT WOULD LAST FOR THE NEXT 2 DECADES before I finally said ENOUGH is enough and started fixing all the wrongs one at a time! Today I take accountability for all my transgressions and my entire story. I could name a thousand reasons why “oh its not my fault” or I can accept that I adjusted to my surroundings and I choose to give up my relationship with Christ because I was mad at him! —– but that’s for the next blog!

Until next time

💛 LaceySue

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