This year has mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically taken a massive toll on my life! 7 months ago I went sepsis battling, what started as a simple wound. 32 total weeks to heal said wound. What that wound did damaged every piece of me, but it also made me SO MUCH STRONGER! For the first time in a long time I had a desire to live, to realize how much I give to others but not myself, it my eyes to my time spent with family/ friends and how much I selfishly didn’t. That wound allowed me and my mother to stay working on getting into a better place. That wound caused me to be on antibiotics and steroids for MONTHS and caused me to really put on the weight in order to get it to heal by taking the steriod injections. That wound changed my life in so many ways.
Mental health is such a battle! It’s scary and unpredictable 😳 I was not okay, I didn’t care anymore, I didn’t care about me just everyone around me! I put zero effort into myself as a whole and kept going down a rabbit hole of depression and anxiety that was extremely dangerous! Since I was 11 I’ve lived off and on meds for all these things. I’d do good, I’d stop the pills and then the rabbit hole would appear. What I didn’t realize was I needed to put in the hard work to get to the why’s, the what if, the how can I actually put into words to others what’s really gong on behind the scenes without judgement! So my therapist and I, started diving hard into it all.. was it fun… NOPE. But we did it anyways… because in order to accomplish anything you have to dedicate yourself to the hard and push your way to the top. It’s been 2 months without any depression pills, anxiety meds, or panic attack meds and look at me I’m the strongest mentally I’ve ever been! When my mom passed away I really questioned what would happen! I wanted to fall back into so many old habits, the comfort of it all… but nope I wasn’t allowing it. I wanted to drink so bad I could taste it…. one night I did… I had 1 drink and didn’t even finish it, I couldn’t… my heart knew and felt the conviction of… if I do this I’m going to go back to who I was and I don’t want that! I want to be different, I am different! Micah Tyler sings “I want to be different” and that song really speaks to me! Here’s a few verses below
let’s talk about my favorite of all these things… Spiritually….. my life’s been a mess since I walked away from WCC 17 years ago! For 17 years I thought I could do it on my own. I believed in God but I didn’t think I needed church. There all the same, who needs to feel that judgment every single day! I WAS SO WRONG! For months, I thank God each and every morning that one of my friends never gave up on me. She was persistent, she was kind, she was faithful to her message. She had asked repeatedly and I always denied but them I accepted and have it a try! Let me tell you… that Sunday changed my life! I have an amazing church family! Most of them know absolutely nothing about me and love me just the way I am! I knew there was something special there that first Sunday but I had no idea what was about to happen. I jump peed head first and never looked back and it was the best decision I ever made. The friends <more like family> I’ve come to meet have inspired me in so many ways! My relationship with Jesus is at the top of my priorities and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I’ve still got work to do but the changes its made in my life has been such a blessing. I went from broken to whole. Church is a priority every Sunday, every Wednesday. I’ve missed 2 Sundays one in the beginning and because of my mother’s unexpected death, and let me tell you this…. my church family without any questions are notified of my mother’s passing and within an hour I was receiving texts and calls. How can we help, what do you need, were praying for you and that meant the absolute 💯 world of a difference in how that next week played out! People I didn’t even know were reaching out! Spiritually I’m on 🔥 and I absolutely love those who I surround myself with!
Let’s talk emotionally…. I’m here, and that’s good enough…. ! I’ve learned to cry and be okay with it. I’ve learned that you have to feel are the hard things and not stray away. For years I’ve drank through every single bad thing in my life. That was my best coping mechanism.. Alcohol has been apart of my life since I was a preteen and walking away from it on a constant basis was so good for me. It was so hard to. I’ve never had to feel Anything because I would drink to avoid it. Crying is no longer a weakness. Telling others how I feel, what they make me feel and what I want were never my strong point. Until now! Now I bluntly say what needs to be said and let it go! Now I don’t hide behind my thoughts and over think… now I push for what I want/need and have learned to let go of those who bring me down. I no longer feel the need to have 3675309 <haha catch that> friends. I have a small circle and I’m golden with that. Every person in my circle brings something different to the table, and I love each of them because they are who they are. I use to get hurt when someone would delete me on Facebook or stop talking to me… I’ve now decided that if you leave my life as a toxic human I will walk away for the peace and count my blessings along the way! So many people have hidden agendas only for their purpose and I’m done playing into those games. Love me or hate me but I’ll choose to respect myself daily. I use to have to defend my honor, im done doing that. If you don’t know me, you judgments laid upon me.. mean nothing. You can take your insecurities and walk away from my life, no questions asked but I’ll continue to pray for you and that someday you will be able to say “I wasn’t too be different!” Just because I walk away doesn’t mean I don’t care! As Tupac once said “I still want you to eat, just not at my table” I will always care and pray for you but I can’t let toxic keep me down any longer!
Last BUT NOT LEAST PHYSICALLY…. 7 weeks ago I made a choice to work on myself physically. 7 weeks ago I made a choice not to take the diet pills the doctor was willing to give me, I decided not to do the gastric sleeve I so eagerly wanted. I made a choice to reach out to the youth minister at our church for guidance as he owns a gym. 7 weeks ago I signed up for personal trainings… twice a week… I mean what could it do to try, if I failed I could resort back to the doctors options…. except something in me changed. Something about it all really sunk in. That first week losing almost 7 pounds was stellar but HARD really hard. I cut out my fancy coffee cold turkey, I cut out bad foods cold turkey, I forced myself to step out of a comfort zone and into a world I had no idea existed. Every time I’ve lost weight prior was under doctor meds. This time I lost almost 7 pounds by just chasing my life, by just loving myself enough, and of course by the help of accountability! A month in I was doing 2 personal trainings, 1 or 2 5am crew classes, and Cardio 6 days a week… 23.5 pounds 24 inches. GONE in 4 weeks! I loved the adrenaline and was really good to go. Then week 5 happened I only lost .4 pounds 3 inches. That broke me down… I started really getting discouraged and wasn’t putting my all into anymore….. then my mother passed away…. that changed me…. that day as I sat on my porch with my friends/ family for 6 hours I couldn’t eat…. I drank my first mt.dew in 6 weeks…. it made me full so I didn’t need food. When everyone finally left I broke and wanted to drink so badly instead I grabbed my tennis shoes and headed to the gym to do Cardio and pouncing bags. Best choice I made the whole day. Then the choices weren’t so great the rest of the week. Monday I went to 5am crew and I ended up on the locker room for crying my eyes out…. I had to feel it all and couldn’t handle it. KM sat there and hugged me as I cried like a child on the floor! It was then decided I needed to step back a little so I took the rest of the week off from the 5am classes…. little did I know how much that would affect me. I was becoming bitter, my tongue wasn’t using good language I was mad, I was so angry and lost. Let’s be honest my mother has been more like a second mom to my kids for years because I’ve always had to work non stop to play catchup. I wasn’t being a good human or Christian at times that week. I noticed it and called myself out. I still showed up to my trainings, thankfully because it gave me a release on everything going in surrounding my mother’s death! It’s almost like another forum of therapy for me. Working out keeps me level headed. I took the grace and the week off but come Monday morning on week 7 I was right back at the gym. I felt whole for the first time in a week just going back to what I loved. Then I weighted …. gained 1.4 pounds… I was so mad Tuesday morning when I woke up. Seriously I s spent a whole week not eating just living on 1 Mt. Dew a day for the most part and I gained weight. What I didn’t put into perspective was in lifting weights. I’m toning my body and that means I need to stay off the DARN scale! So yesterday I put in 2 hard workouts and by the time the second one was done I was so excited because not only did I get to learn new things but I crushed them and had to move up on weights. I’m learning more and more about giving myself grace, and pushing myself when I want to quit. A couple times yesterday the option to take a break during sets were giving because I’m sure I looked like the struggle bus hard core but it was determined and pushed through. My last task of my training was 6.0 income 5 minute walk….. I was struggling sadly 🤣 and the last 1.5 minutes he dropped the speed for me and I almost allowed it and then I said nope and changed it back to the higher speed because I CAN’T EXPECT CHANGE BY TAKING THE EASY ROAD! Yesterday really opened my eyes to so much. Then today at 5am I did something I haven’t done in ages…. a real squat… no bench to use or pole to hold on to I just forced myself to do it and let me tell you how exhilarating it was to do and not fail! It’s so worth it when you finally get to do something you couldn’t do before!
I’m taking steps to better me in all aspects of life, I soberly have experienced my first loss since I was a child and I’m so greatful for those who I surround myself with because they push me to only want to be better! They don’t realize what they do, they are just good wholesome humans and I couldn’t be more blessed with my own crew of them! Life isant easy but it is so worth it once you finally find your place in the world! BE YOU, Love yourself and be true to what you want and need in this world!
Until my next ramble,
One thought on “The Best of Me is Yet To come”
Hello, fellow rambler. Found out yesterday that there are ‘rambling clubs’ people join for hiking. Told my readers they’re part of my Reading Rambling Club! haha Great that you are re-viewing the many parts of us that work together, or not, for our well-being. Careful not to overload life w/changes. Keep writing, for sure. It’s helping me in ways I don’t even know.