Oh goodness! This word and I have became best friends! This word has been used a few times around me in the last couple months but it wasn’t until a couple weeks back it really started to hit my soul! At Bible study we would discuss your prayers being “intentional” and man that word grew inside me…. little by little! I, now more than ever, should be INTENTIONAL with everything I do! Being intentional in your life, keeps you accountable! It holds more power in its hand than just checking the boxes off your to do list! This word has really made me think, and actually pushed me to be better!
For years, I’ve always been a busy human. That’s me, go go go but in reality I was just checking the boxes, dealing with tramua by staying busy and barely living just to please a bunch of people…. I didn’t even need to please! For years I have put myself in the back ground of everything else to do for others, because there was no self worth to need to do for me! I didn’t deserve the self care, because at that time I wasn’t very nice to me! It didn’t matter, I was helping others, but was I really? I didn’t set goals or push myself, because I was too busy being involved in everyone else’s lives! I didn’t believe my life was really going to amount to much, I was a mom and that’s as fast as I thought I was gonna go! Until things started to change, and until my eyes got fully open!
It took a few massive blows to my heart/ soul to finally click! Between the wound, my mother and Tece passing, and finally the cancer scare to finally put everything into perspective!
During the battling of the 32 weeks of the wound, I had made peace with God <may I remind you I didn’t even go to church at this point>! I made peace that, if this wound was going to take me out, then I was ready to leave this earth! My depression was fully in control and I had spent the last 2.5 years doing the hard work in therapy to finally get myself back on track! At one point I joked that maybe since I was finally “a good human” I’d get to go to heaven early! Since the saying is “only the good die young.” I was tired of fighting the same battles for years, I was tired of hating myself and others, I was just exhausted at life! Then look what happened 28 weeks in and I finally started to heal, not long after that I finally was growing my faith back and going to church.
Fast forward my mother’s passing, the week before my mother passed away I found out one of my very first clients, who was like a mother to me had stage 4 pancreatic cancer… it broke my heart, my mother’s passing came quick and unexpected, then the night of my mother’s visitation I had to go say goodbye to my Tece as she was headed to Texas with her daughter. Then 2 short weeks later we lost her to cancer. July was so incredibly hard, but my faith was firm and I was handling things as well as could be expected, so I thought! July is When God stepped in hard and fast! He taught me to slow and be patient. I learned to open my heart to hear those God moments of sit still, im not done! For the first time in 17 years, I stopped trying to be busy and started listening! I started noticing the God Nudges, the moments when it was okay to just listen! July is when I slowly started to be more intentional with everything I did! After tece passed, I made myself get back on track with everything. I started setting goals, holding myself accountable a little bit more, and rushing a little bit less!
Thats when the next massive blow was coming! It was the beginning of August. This one knocked me to my knees! On August 3rd I was supose to have a colposcopy done… they called and rescheduled it and my exact words to a couple people were ” That’s a God nudge, he knows I’m not strong enough to bare what’s coming!” So fast forward to 1 week later August 10th… one month anniversary of my mother’s passing. The reschedule date for my procedure. Spent that morning writing a blog about my Tribe and how God sent me angels to prepare me for what was to come….I like to think back now that God gave a giggle that day when I wrote that blog that morning, I’m sure because it wasn’t but a few hours later…. when the words stage 1/ stage 2 cervical cancer came out of the doctors mouth that I processed why he really sent me those angels.
The day of the 10th was life changing in multiple ways, that morning Shelby sat with me as I opened a whole new level of vulnerability to her, that afternoon my heart was broken…. that stupid horrible word cancer sucks the life of of you… then what came next changed everything! My Tribe 1 by 1 jumped in fully, without even asking. 1 sat with me on the phone until I drove to the gym parking lot and could cry and process there! Another jumped in, staying on the phone then made sure my kids were taken care of, the next came to meet me for coffee so I wouldn’t be alone and the last one jumped right in quickly with… this is just gonna be another step in your story, God’s not done with you yet. Those 4 ppl and others began praying that night, and every day after until all the results came in.
It was in that very moment I felt God at my biggest, I knew Satan was playing hard and even when I would crumble my Tribe would pick me back up. With the C word on the table, I decided it was time to stop drowning and start swimming. I met with my pastor that Friday to discuss more into where I was with my recommitment and somehow vulnerability came hard and fast. I ended up sharing pieces of my testimony with him. I was finally okay with being transparent. I hid lots of things out of shame but in reality it’s all just a part of showing how truly amazing God is. Sharing with him turned into sharing with a youth pastor at our church. Which lead to not only being transparent but to becoming intentional. I became intentional because i had never in my life, out of 20 plus years of being a depressed human, wanted to my live so badly.
Once the test results came back, I went back into the doctor office to find myself getting another waste down check done. By this point I was a mess, I just wanted to results so we could get a plan on play and tackle whatever was coming my direction! The next thing I knew, our prayers were answered. God was so very good, she rechecked a couple things and looked at me and said “your cervix is healed” your test results were just precancerous! let’s talk about a sigh of relief hit the fan. It was right then and there I finally felt like that big black cloud hanging over me for months was gone. Now it was time to be more intentional and start working on me even harder.
Every single thing I do from this point on… I want it to be intentional, or it’s not worth doing! If our hearts are not intentional, why are we wasting our time!
When I go to church and Bible study, I want intention to learn and grow so that I can soak in as much knowledge and spread his magnificence.
When I Pray, I want it to be with intention! I want to have my one on one talks with Him that start at 430am when I hit my car and go until I lay my head down.
My devotions and my writting…. I want them to always be intentional. I want to take that time I’ve been blessed with and out my whole heart into it!
When I work, I want to be intentional not just rushing through the time. My job is amazing because I get to help someone different every single day.
When I workout, I want intention. I want to know I’m fully pushing myself in every aspect. I have big goals and being whiney, off set, and laxed is not going to get me those.
When I go to school, I want to be intentional. I want to succeed. I want to push myself to the fullest.
When my children watch me, I want them to see there their mom living her best life intentionally, not rolling through the motions of survival. As they’ve watched for so long. I want them to be just as proud of me. Everything I do is for them. They are my entire world 💛
When I witness God’s Amazing Love, I want you see the changes from my intentions. I want you to see that when I was weak, where I feel short, and where I am are all different now because I let God back in.
I want to be intentional in every aspect of my life! God, family, friends, the gym, work, school, you name it… I want it to be intentionally for the right reasons with effort behind it!
MY STORY.. that is slowly being uncovered.. I want my story to be INTENTIONAL. I want someone to not feel alone, not feel unworthy, and to see that throughout the chaos in our lives HE’S ALWAYS THERE!
God’s Grace is so good all the time, He’s intentional with each of us. Shouldn’t we want to be the same! Actions speak louder than words. I can tell you I’ve changed, but until you see the change, it’s just words. The best part about it is, the only person I need a stamp of approval from is God! It might have taken 4 massive hits to wake me up fully, but I can tell you right now… there is absolutely nothing standing in my way of making every day as intentional as possible! No more rolling through the motions, no more obligations to the world, lots more self care and rest, and learning how to tell people no! It’s time for change, I needed a move. I needed to get to a place that was so uncomfortable to be able to stop running away and start accepting His Love fully!
Thats all for now, until later