Oooof! Let’s just say this one’s… this one’s gonna be the one that gets me in the soul! It gets me every single time! As I’ve battled this war for years but extremely hard over the last 2 years!
Since I was little the only thing I ever wanted was to find true love! I was bound determined by high school that I was going to get married and have the perfect family just like 7th Heaven except I would be the youth pastor and the husband was gonna be a stay at home “mom”! Heck in 9th grade 3 of us made a contract, haha sitting in ag class that I would have 7 kids by the time I was 40, Phillip would get to name my 4th child, and I would have to pay $10 for each kid I didn’t have by 40…. <ha I’ll pay that $50 no questions asked now a days bahaha> I was so Eager to what I wanted! I was goal oriented my entire life. I wanted to have everything the inside of my house growing up wasn’t! The problem was that in this process, I created so many unhealthy standards on love! What started as great expectations, lead to the process of…. it doesn’t matter as long as I’m not alone! It wasn’t long after my first heart break, that I decided I never wanted to be alone again, regardless what it cost me inside and out!
I can honestly say I’ve never had a healthy relationship in the dating world. Alone was never my style! I’ve struggled with abandonment issues since I could remember, just ask my therapist… she will tell you I’ll skip words that start with A, every single time 🤣! Now not all my relationships have been toxic by any means, but none of them were good for my soul! 9/10 every relationship I’ve put myself in, was at the cost of me in some way, shape, or form. Im that, oh hey let’s really prove you love them real fast and set that bar high so they don’t want to leave” kinda girl! Ohhhh the heartache I’ve caused myself over the years, but oh the lessons and the growth! The things I never realized because I didn’t want to see the truth, the fact that 90% of all my relationships have been transactional! That’s a hard pill to swallow! That’s hard because I can tell you every single relationship to me, meant the world….. but in the grand scheme of things I was just a steppin stone to most, or better yet a comfort zone! I made a great comfort zone for my other halves because I poured my ❤️ and soul into them, while I settled for whatever I might be lucky enough to get! Too be honest I use to joke that I was the good luck Chuck for dudes! It always seemed like after my heart was broke they would find love rather quickly after, except it never really lasted and normally they’d pop out of the wood work months or years later! With some great excuse and I’d just accept them with open arms…. like awe, they missed me 🤦♀️ when I’m reality they had just as many issues I had!
In reality I’m horrible at taking back my ex’s, oh the lies I’d tell myself… my heart cares for them, they must have realized what they lost… no silly they just know you’re gonna move every Mountian for them…. so why wouldn’t they want to come back to a place that offers comfort, content, without any expectation! Oh and if I through expectation out there, there was a quick back lash, or umm im not ready for a real relationship! Would it break my heart, absolutely 💯! Did it help me to walk away, nope… im fact I just tried harder!
Oh when I say, I’d just try harder 🤣🤣🤣 there’s really no joke in that! I was doing dishes, cleaning house, doing laundry, running errans…. you name it, i did it! I have litterly put myself on the back burner for every single “relationship ” and in all honestly none of them were real relationships. I kept trying though, nothing was going to stop me from finding the one! That’s all I cared about, all I thought about, and all I wanted. It didn’t matter if they were bad for me, I could fix them… oh boy was I wrong EVERY SINGLE TIME! I created monsters, sure some blame can go there way but in reality I cared so little about myself that I allowed what they gave me! I accepted it like gold, when in reality it was dirt!
Read that again…. better yet I have to read it as “being a wife to your “situationship” doesn’t guarantee you a marriage! I normally can handle owning most things out loud, but there’s one thing that I’ve held on too pretty tightly over the last almost 2 years, and I’ve fought this conversation with every single human in my life…. “he’s changed, he’s better, he’s making strides, he’s not what he once was, oooooof!” I’ve fought tooth and nail to save something that deep down I have to admit, it truly doesn’t exist! For 2 years I’ve basically been in wifey mode for a person who doesn’t even value my existence other than at his convenience! For the first 10 months, everything was on his terms. But because those first few dates were amazing, because he told me everything I wanted to hear… I was automatically head over heels 👠 😩, and smitten in so many ways! He said a few key things and in those moments I took note what he was looking for and gave him just that and more! Insert message below
So almost 2 years ago I decided right then and there… heck all I have to do is be good at back massages 💆♂️ and I’ve got me a husband waiting ✋️ 😌 🤣. Oh goodness, I look back at that now and laugh. I had never given a massage in my entire life, I was normally the needy one for them but I decided heck why not. <this is actually what sparked my interest in massage school in general> This one actually had checked a yes on all the boxes on my list <job, car, house, good head in his shoulders” all I had to do was set that bar extremely high…. and I did just that! I was going above and beyond for someone that barely made time. I was constantly put in a place of, oh I’m not ready for a real relationship because my last 2 were bad. I didn’t care, I accepted it was what it was and obviously this was what I was getting. I wasn’t alone, that’s all that mattered… except the hard truth was.. I was so alone even in his presence! I knew I wanted and needed more, but I had invested so much time into this and was just going to settle because starting over was hard. I had so many feelings for this man, he was just hurt and couldn’t love me back yet … so I was just going to wait until he could! I just wanted to be near him, he was the calm to my storm, the first person I felt safe with in a very long time! My friends didn’t like him at all, my kids never met him, and it was almost like I got to live a secret life no one got to be involved in other than me. So many of my friends tried to get me to give it up, but it wasn’t happening. I loved him, it didn’t matter if he couldn’t love me back…. he would eventually .. right!
Over the last couple months as my walk as grown deeper in my faith, the more this situation weighed in my ❤️! What am I doing? What am I allowing? Why don’t I love myself enough to wait for the person who is suppose to mine? Why is alone soooo hard?! I’ve battled back and forth… I’ve avoided one week and ran to the next. Im not helping either of us grow by allowing it to continue! I’m not who I was when this started, I don’t need validation through a man’s eyes anymore! Does pieces of me want to stay, yes…. absolutely 💛! But I know deep down I’m staying for comfort, not for the right reasons. I’ve never had to be the one that says goodbye, im always the one who gets left! This is probably one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make, saying good bye to a living soul. One of my favorite humans told me while discussing this situation with them…I need to push myself past the uncomfortable! I needed to wait for the fresh fruit, because I DESERVED just that! I’ve never been good at putting myself first, and I’m slowly getting better at it! Now is just the time I start seeing myself worthy of all that God has in store for me, and stop loving in fear that I have to be alone.
Finding my faith and true friendships have filled the void of needing my situationship! I don’t feel alone anymore. I don’t feel like I have to settle anymore. I find myself a priority! At the moments I’ve needed someone the most, I’ve found that it’s not a guy I’m running to anymore to save me. I run towards my faith and to the people dearest to my ❤️ because they keep me accountable not only in my faith, but in all aspects! They are pushing me to do better, be better, and love myself more every day. These big steps just keep lighting my path, burning a 🔥 and pushing me to be limits. For the first time in a long time, self respect and self worth are coming to light and I couldn’t be more proud than I am right now to say… I can without a doubt walk away and be just fine! The trials are far from over with me, there’s a lot of changes still to come. This is just probably the biggest stepping stone in my walk so far, and I’m so glad I can finally see the light at the end of this tunnel! 🙌 Now to be patient and see what’s to come!