Ughhhhh I’ve tried to write so many times over the last couple months! So much has happened! So much had changed! I’ve struggled to find the words. I’ve caught myself in feeling completely numb to the world including myself!
March of 2022 changed me…. I don’t just mean by a little…. it freaking destroyed my entire being, but ya know what else it did! It set a mold, for a whole new me!
When the whole Airport situation <the sailor blog> happened…. I fell to a million pieces, I heard my heart break that Tuesday in a way I had never hit rock bottom before! I’ve always had this illusion of the “perfect life” the one I’ve craved since I was a little girl! The white picket fence, the amazing husband and father to my children…. ya know that Good old fairy tale and when life doesn’t work that way I normally go straight for self destruction! I destruct in ways to make me “feel” something! 9/10 my bad habits aren’t because I enjoy them… it’s because I struggle to FEEL SOMETHING, ANYTHING! March 22nd I broke and ran right back into the arms of someone who broke me down for almost a year because the idea of being alone is mortifying! I’ve never liked it handled the idea of being alone so why not run right back to where I’m comfortable! But then…. something changed…. something big happened…. SOMETHING INCREDIBLE happened!
Over the next few days, one of my favorite people kept asking me to go to church with her! You see, she’s persistent none the less, and had been trying for well over a year!
—-My therapist and I had talked about me wanting to go back to church but how terrifying it was! I hadn’t been active in church since I was 17 really! After what had partaked for so long inside my home church, I broke away as fast as I could and every time I would try to go back I just didn’t feel it. That building made my entire body cringe! My heart urged for it but I was never ready to take the plunged ——-
So needless to say on March 27th…. after a couple failed attempts I decided, what do I have to lose! Worse case I’ll go, it’s boring and I’ll leave! You want to know what happened next…. I felt more at home in 1.5 hours that Sunday morning than I had felt in over 17 years! I walked in this building, and not once did I feel judgement or shame…. I felt welcomed! I felt surrounded by wholesome people! My friend met me at the door, and instantly I deny like I was in a safe place! For me, that’s huge! For me, I can’t even walk into Walmart without feeling suffocating, let alone a church, Surrounded by NO ONE I knew except my friend and her family!
The music that morning, hit me hard! I teared up more than one time. The sermon spoke straight to my soul. I felt at home for the first time in years….. I can’t tell you how incredible that one service made me feel, but I can tell you… if your missing your faith, and you want to take a chance… come to Truth and Grace in mattoon because it will speak to your heart! I left that service determined I was ready to dive back in. You wouldn’t think 1.5 hours of your life could be changed so dramatically but let me tell you… im proof! I went that Sunday, and every Sunday since <except for last week. And let me tell you I have kicked my own behind over missing> I didn’t realize how much I needed this! How much I missed my faith! How much it strikes home with me! I can tell you there’s not been one time in the last 8 weeks that I’ve regretted going back to church, to diving into my faith, to structurally trying to rebuild my life and who I am.
If nothing else, it was a giant piece of the puzzle of me I was missing! I’d been broken for a long time, trying to fix things here and there but rebuilding my faith has taken me to new steps. Steps I never dreamed of and its so scary but so exhilarating as well! I’m taking control back over my life for the first time. Real control! Not saying one thing and doing another… im diving in head first without anything holding me back and doing the hard work. Not just in therapy but in my heart!
I’m breaking the habits I’ve held onto for 24 years ago the way to now! I’m letting go of the STATUS QUO that I’ve always knew and held. I’m finding what I love, like and hate about myself and my taking the steps to fix those and let me tell you it’s not FREAKING EASY! SOME DAYS IT’S POWERFUL AND THRILLING AND OTHERS IS HARD AND I FEEL THAT SELF CONFLICTION SOOOOOOO MUCH!
I’ve allowed people to walk on me, and use me for there needs for so long because I ALLOWED It! I taught people how to treat me, how to perceive me and now I have to do it all from scratch. What I’ve endured, all of it … is because I allowed myself To sit and take it. I stopped loving me and started just letting life “treat me” instead of owning and standing up where I should have! I became a victim because of situations I allowed to take place! That’s hard…. thats so freaking hard to concept! Granted the trauma I’ve experienced wasn’t wanted or a choice by any means but had I not been afraid to fight for me… to love me… to care about myself I may or may not have been able to prevent some of the hurt and pain I’ve had.
This is not be saying that victims of physical, mental, sexual, or emotional abuse are at fault BY ANY MEANS … please don’t take that perception. I’m simply stating that I own my behaviors and learned behaviors fully and can look at this simple meme at the beginning of this blog and say.. . I should have loved myself more and fought for myself in ways I didn’t!
When you feel unloved and unworthy…. you give yourself less and less…. you give people more than they deserve. You give them the ammo to hold you at a standard in which they become accustomed to! Once you find your worth again, once you start to love yourself again you find that so many people you once craved to be in your life are no longer needed because you no longer desire their company, their need of love or what you thought you had! You realize all the people you’re serving aren’t there for you, but their selfish needs of what you should be or what once was!
The last 8 weeks I’ve watched myself break habits I’ve had for over 20 years! I’ve found myself spending more time in silence. And ya’ll know me 🤣🤣🤣 I use to be a social butterfly! But anyone who really knows me has watched that dwindle down to not being that person anymore! I don’t craved constant communication and when I do talk to people now it’s normally about something important or wholesome conversations! I don’t want to be that girl that knows everything going on in town, because if it doesn’t affect me… ITS NO LONGER MY BUSINESS!
When I left dollar general the reason wasn’t because of school…. it was because at the end of the day…. it was stopping me from growing! I’ve put in 3 years of therapy with sacis and I’ve come so far, I was not going to let a job define or destroy what I was building! I can’t fix me, if I stay in a situation that doesn’t allow me to grow and brings be back to the drama/petty filled places I’ve worked so hard to come out of! I caught my habits and I wanted to stop it before I back stepped into unwanted territory! When I made it clear I needed to step back into part time so that my kids could have more of me And I was punished and had retaliation for that, it was a sign from God…. get out now! So my 2 weeks went on and not once have I missed being there! My energy, my work ethic, me as a human deserved more respect than what was offered! My manager at Walmart use to say “We’re all just warm bodies to a company, no one is nonreplaceable and she’s right! That’s why you have to live yourself enough to stop letting others dictate your role in YOUR life!
You set people up for how they treat you, and you have to suffer the consequences that come with that! These are hard lessons, I sure didn’t learn over night but let me tell you the hardest lesson I have learned is …. its so hard to live yourself after destroying yourself for so long. You question everything about yourself, but you also learn what you want and will tolerate as well!
In 8 weeks I’ve watched myself change, I’ve watched myself push for dreams I gave up on, for goodness sake I’m going back to school for the first time since May of 2007! Am I scared, yep…. but am I ready to prove to myself I deserve better … Abso-freaking-lutely! I quit a job I loved because I deserved better. I walked away from habits I’ve ran to for years. I’m struggled and tender toddered with emotions, coping mechanisms, and all that fun stuff and every time I catch myself I call myself out and fix it! I skipped church last week <I blamed my meds> but was it that if my anxiety of sitting alone…. and let me tell you I’ve kicked my bottom all week because I needed that church service… I needed that in my week and life and just missing the one Sunday affected so much…. soooo that won’t be happening again if I can avoid it. We all have bad days, weeks, years but some of it is because we choose to not see what’s in front of us and hold on to what’s easiest!
I honestly don’t think I’d come this far in 8 weeks if I hadn’t stepped out of my comfort zone that Sunday morning. I was terrified, scared of change, scared of my faith, scared I couldn’t be forgiven for the sins over the last 17 years let alone the ones I knew I’d continue to make…. there’s a lot of conviction in my soul! I see myself daily trying to do better, be better, want better, push myself in ways I haven’t done ever! Because for once, I love myself enough to change my status quo! To change what is perceived when my name comes to the tongue of others! Will everyone understand me … nope, will everyone like me… HARD NO, but I can make sure to only allow those who love and respect me to stay in my life and the rest is no longer my concern! Love me, hate me, you do you boo…. because at the end of the day I CAN ONLY BE ACCOUNTABLE TO MYSELF, MY PROGRESS, MY LOVE, MY DETERMINATION, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY MY FAITH!
Until next time,