Rambles by LaceySue

Ughhhhh I’ve tried to write so many times over the last couple months! So much has happened! So much had changed! I’ve struggled to find the words. I’ve caught myself in feeling completely numb to the world including myself!

March of 2022 changed me…. I don’t just mean by a little…. it freaking destroyed my entire being, but ya know what else it did! It set a mold, for a whole new me!

When the whole Airport situation <the sailor blog> happened…. I fell to a million pieces, I heard my heart break that Tuesday in a way I had never hit rock bottom before! I’ve always had this illusion of the “perfect life” the one I’ve craved since I was a little girl! The white picket fence, the amazing husband and father to my children…. ya know that Good old fairy tale and when life doesn’t work that way I normally go straight for self destruction! I destruct in ways to make me “feel” something! 9/10 my bad habits aren’t because I enjoy them… it’s because I struggle to FEEL SOMETHING, ANYTHING! March 22nd I broke and ran right back into the arms of someone who broke me down for almost a year because the idea of being alone is mortifying! I’ve never liked it handled the idea of being alone so why not run right back to where I’m comfortable! But then…. something changed…. something big happened…. SOMETHING INCREDIBLE happened!

Over the next few days, one of my favorite people kept asking me to go to church with her! You see, she’s persistent none the less, and had been trying for well over a year!

—-My therapist and I had talked about me wanting to go back to church but how terrifying it was! I hadn’t been active in church since I was 17 really! After what had partaked for so long inside my home church, I broke away as fast as I could and every time I would try to go back I just didn’t feel it. That building made my entire body cringe! My heart urged for it but I was never ready to take the plunged ——-

So needless to say on March 27th…. after a couple failed attempts I decided, what do I have to lose! Worse case I’ll go, it’s boring and I’ll leave! You want to know what happened next…. I felt more at home in 1.5 hours that Sunday morning than I had felt in over 17 years! I walked in this building, and not once did I feel judgement or shame…. I felt welcomed! I felt surrounded by wholesome people! My friend met me at the door, and instantly I deny like I was in a safe place! For me, that’s huge! For me, I can’t even walk into Walmart without feeling suffocating, let alone a church, Surrounded by NO ONE I knew except my friend and her family!

The music that morning, hit me hard! I teared up more than one time. The sermon spoke straight to my soul. I felt at home for the first time in years….. I can’t tell you how incredible that one service made me feel, but I can tell you… if your missing your faith, and you want to take a chance… come to Truth and Grace in mattoon because it will speak to your heart! I left that service determined I was ready to dive back in. You wouldn’t think 1.5 hours of your life could be changed so dramatically but let me tell you… im proof! I went that Sunday, and every Sunday since <except for last week. And let me tell you I have kicked my own behind over missing> I didn’t realize how much I needed this! How much I missed my faith! How much it strikes home with me! I can tell you there’s not been one time in the last 8 weeks that I’ve regretted going back to church, to diving into my faith, to structurally trying to rebuild my life and who I am.

If nothing else, it was a giant piece of the puzzle of me I was missing! I’d been broken for a long time, trying to fix things here and there but rebuilding my faith has taken me to new steps. Steps I never dreamed of and its so scary but so exhilarating as well! I’m taking control back over my life for the first time. Real control! Not saying one thing and doing another… im diving in head first without anything holding me back and doing the hard work. Not just in therapy but in my heart!

I’m breaking the habits I’ve held onto for 24 years ago the way to now! I’m letting go of the STATUS QUO that I’ve always knew and held. I’m finding what I love, like and hate about myself and my taking the steps to fix those and let me tell you it’s not FREAKING EASY! SOME DAYS IT’S POWERFUL AND THRILLING AND OTHERS IS HARD AND I FEEL THAT SELF CONFLICTION SOOOOOOO MUCH!

I’ve allowed people to walk on me, and use me for there needs for so long because I ALLOWED It! I taught people how to treat me, how to perceive me and now I have to do it all from scratch. What I’ve endured, all of it … is because I allowed myself To sit and take it. I stopped loving me and started just letting life “treat me” instead of owning and standing up where I should have! I became a victim because of situations I allowed to take place! That’s hard…. thats so freaking hard to concept! Granted the trauma I’ve experienced wasn’t wanted or a choice by any means but had I not been afraid to fight for me… to love me… to care about myself I may or may not have been able to prevent some of the hurt and pain I’ve had.

This is not be saying that victims of physical, mental, sexual, or emotional abuse are at fault BY ANY MEANS … please don’t take that perception. I’m simply stating that I own my behaviors and learned behaviors fully and can look at this simple meme at the beginning of this blog and say.. . I should have loved myself more and fought for myself in ways I didn’t!

When you feel unloved and unworthy…. you give yourself less and less…. you give people more than they deserve. You give them the ammo to hold you at a standard in which they become accustomed to! Once you find your worth again, once you start to love yourself again you find that so many people you once craved to be in your life are no longer needed because you no longer desire their company, their need of love or what you thought you had! You realize all the people you’re serving aren’t there for you, but their selfish needs of what you should be or what once was!

The last 8 weeks I’ve watched myself break habits I’ve had for over 20 years! I’ve found myself spending more time in silence. And ya’ll know me 🤣🤣🤣 I use to be a social butterfly! But anyone who really knows me has watched that dwindle down to not being that person anymore! I don’t craved constant communication and when I do talk to people now it’s normally about something important or wholesome conversations! I don’t want to be that girl that knows everything going on in town, because if it doesn’t affect me… ITS NO LONGER MY BUSINESS!

When I left dollar general the reason wasn’t because of school…. it was because at the end of the day…. it was stopping me from growing! I’ve put in 3 years of therapy with sacis and I’ve come so far, I was not going to let a job define or destroy what I was building! I can’t fix me, if I stay in a situation that doesn’t allow me to grow and brings be back to the drama/petty filled places I’ve worked so hard to come out of! I caught my habits and I wanted to stop it before I back stepped into unwanted territory! When I made it clear I needed to step back into part time so that my kids could have more of me And I was punished and had retaliation for that, it was a sign from God…. get out now! So my 2 weeks went on and not once have I missed being there! My energy, my work ethic, me as a human deserved more respect than what was offered! My manager at Walmart use to say “We’re all just warm bodies to a company, no one is nonreplaceable and she’s right! That’s why you have to live yourself enough to stop letting others dictate your role in YOUR life!

You set people up for how they treat you, and you have to suffer the consequences that come with that! These are hard lessons, I sure didn’t learn over night but let me tell you the hardest lesson I have learned is …. its so hard to live yourself after destroying yourself for so long. You question everything about yourself, but you also learn what you want and will tolerate as well!

In 8 weeks I’ve watched myself change, I’ve watched myself push for dreams I gave up on, for goodness sake I’m going back to school for the first time since May of 2007! Am I scared, yep…. but am I ready to prove to myself I deserve better … Abso-freaking-lutely! I quit a job I loved because I deserved better. I walked away from habits I’ve ran to for years. I’m struggled and tender toddered with emotions, coping mechanisms, and all that fun stuff and every time I catch myself I call myself out and fix it! I skipped church last week <I blamed my meds> but was it that if my anxiety of sitting alone…. and let me tell you I’ve kicked my bottom all week because I needed that church service… I needed that in my week and life and just missing the one Sunday affected so much…. soooo that won’t be happening again if I can avoid it. We all have bad days, weeks, years but some of it is because we choose to not see what’s in front of us and hold on to what’s easiest!

I honestly don’t think I’d come this far in 8 weeks if I hadn’t stepped out of my comfort zone that Sunday morning. I was terrified, scared of change, scared of my faith, scared I couldn’t be forgiven for the sins over the last 17 years let alone the ones I knew I’d continue to make…. there’s a lot of conviction in my soul! I see myself daily trying to do better, be better, want better, push myself in ways I haven’t done ever! Because for once, I love myself enough to change my status quo! To change what is perceived when my name comes to the tongue of others! Will everyone understand me … nope, will everyone like me… HARD NO, but I can make sure to only allow those who love and respect me to stay in my life and the rest is no longer my concern! Love me, hate me, you do you boo…. because at the end of the day I CAN ONLY BE ACCOUNTABLE TO MYSELF, MY PROGRESS, MY LOVE, MY DETERMINATION, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY MY FAITH!

Until next time,

LaceySue 💛

Hey ya’ll, How’s everyone living the rain? Personally it’s one of my favorite things! Brings a sense of calmness to my soul! One of my friends has been sending me daily positive reinforcements and this one really stuck with me! Let’s dig into it!

• Make peace with your Past!
  • The whole point to this blog was to release and own my story! The pretty, the ugly, the sad, the happy but most importantly THE GROWTH!
  • The Past affects us all so differently, some people can forget things never happened, some people hold grudges, some people just want to move Past, and some people are meant to dive right into and fix, whatever it was in their lives that made this event so significant! I’m definitely a fixer. 💯 I am constantly looking for the missing puzzle pieces! Why did this happen? What caused this? How can I learn from it so I don’t make the same mistake twice, but then I also use to be that girl that blamed myself for everything that happened to and around me! I use to constantly self sabotage Me! Until one day I started opening up and talking and getting all the thoughts and feelings out of my head and heart and realized I’m not responsible for ANYONE’S happiness other than mine and my children’s! I also learned that I don’t want to live in the past, that’s NOT who I am anymore! It’s one thing to look at the past and find a way to learn from it but it’s another to allow it to consume your life and cause so much damage because you are too comfortable or scared to branch beyond the what was into the What’s to come! So baby steps later I’m finally at piece where I hold no grudges! I’m learning to let it all go and move forward. I’ve found myself apologizing and trying to fix what damage I’ve done over the years and then I move forward and let me tell you… this new and improved me, im really starting to like her!
• What other people Think of me, is none of my business!
  • I use to care so much about what everyone thought! I use to feel the need to be in some high and mighty standard. I just wanted to fit in. I cared more about my reputation then I did about who I was or what damage I was causing to myself or others! I selfishly felt like I had to rise up and prove something to the world. It reality, I was so insecure that it ate me alive. I put myself through hell for what a few parts on the back. I lost the caring part of me for a long time because I was too worried about what others thought, rather than if I was doing things for the right reasons! No matter what you do in life, you will always have someone that doesn’t like you, doesn’t respect you, talks bad about you but the moment you stop caring about those simple minded humans LET ME TELL YOU…. life changes! It changes so much, you start appreciating the little things in life instead of constantly trying to appease everyone around you. People are going to talk, and if they want to talk about me go for it, that means they are leaving someone else alone.
• Time heals almost everything, give it time
  • Ya’ll know patience is not MY FAVORITE VIRTUE! It wasn’t until the last 6 months of my life that I truly stared learning what patience can do for someone. Normally I’m quick to replace humans with other humans. Normally I bounce back hard and fast. Something about this last 6 months was different, it hit me different. My luck was not for the weak, and let me tell you I was weak a could be in the beginning of this trial! In a matter of 1 month my entire world changed…. I lost the one person I truly cared more about than ever before. My kids both ended up sick/ hurt. Then this leg of mine 🤣🤣🤣 flesh eating and all…. it was HARD! IT SUCKED! I don’t know how many times I heard “I’m not sure how you even smile anymore” I’d just respond with… im just rolling through this life the best that I can! It wasn’t until my first hospital admittance that I realized I wasn’t processing Anything. I wasn’t learning Anything. I wasn’t allowing myself to feel anything and all I wanted was to fight to have control back over my life! After realizing that some little Itty bitty wound could cause so much havoc it really started playing into my head. If this is how I’m going to go out, am I doing it the way I want. From that point on I started taking control and learning to grow with the patience and that’s eden my heart and head started really healing! That’s when I started pushing to really fix me. Put the effort into me, because I DESERVED IT!
• Don’t compare any Don’t judge! You don’t know their story!
  • This is such a CRUCIAL life lesson! It is so easy to judge others because we think we know everything about life. Pal’s that’s not the case! Everyone’s story is different, we are not the same! What some people struggle with behind closed doors, some of you may never know! It’s easy to look at someone and think oh they have the perfect life, but in reality have you ever taken the time to just learn their stories! I’m just a guilty, I want to believe the entire world has the same ❤️ I have, and let me tell you this… thats not the case! Not everyone’s the same! Some people struggle every day to just smile and you may never know! Just be kind, be human, be better! Push to stop judging and start learning!
• It’s okay to not know the Answers- you’ll find it in time
  • Ohhhhhh if you know me, I Struggle so much with this… i Use to need the missing puzzle pieces… I needed to know why this happened, what caused it, how, and all that…. October taught me a lot of lessons in life but this one was the hardest! I had to learn to move on without the answers, I had to learn to love myself enough to know deep down I didn’t do Anything. Learning the answer’s is great but it’s okay to also keep moving forward, when you are meant to know …. you will!
  • I’ve been trying to figure out the Why to my life for 23 years….. why this, why that and right now I’ve realized that maybe my WHY’S are so that maybe just maybe I can help someone else learn to live their story unapologetically as I am now!
• You are in charge of your happiness!
  • This right here ya’ll! This is major! I’ve lived my life being happy by making others happy and not caring what damage I cause to myself in the process! When I stopped living for everyone else and started living for myself not only did I improve my life, but the life of those around me! I can honestly say in the last 6 months I’ve never loved myself so much! I’ve never cared what I wanted until now. Now that I know what I want, I don’t want to settle and I’ve settled for years…. it took major setbacks, it took hard ugly choices but dammit I’m worth it and so are you!!!!! Please if nothing else, love yourself so much that no one can break your soul! You are Always Enough to those who matter!
• Smile- you don’t have to own the world’s problems
  • Learning to focus on yourself and fixing yourself is a way to help fix the world. You can’t fix humans, you can make choices for everyone. You can only hold your self accountable! Smile because it’s good for the soul, but also smile because it’s good for the world! You never know how much a simple smile or a kind world can affect everyone you meet. You don’t know there battles, maybe that girl is holding on my a tread and you simply helped her keep it together by simply showing compassion! THIS WORLD NEEDS MORE KINDNESS, LESS JUDGEMENTS AND LOTS OF LOVE! Be the outcast THAT STEPS OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE AND TELL SOMEONE SOMETHING NICE! It takes nothing to just be kind… do it for you and the world… we all need it

alright I’ve rambled enough for today…. just love yourself and if you can’t reach out and let someone else love you until you can!

until later,

💛 LaceySue

This is a lesson I’ve been really digging into! Ya know, I’ve got this big ole ❤️ and I just GIVE IT AWAY FREELY! I am horrible at holding anyone accountable on the levels of what they give…. I just try to make up the difference and love ppl unapologetically!

For the first time, in my entire life…. im loving myself unapologetically and learning that it’s okay to expect the same from those who are in my life! I do my best to be there for the people i love but im horrible about feeling bad for needing someone to be there for me. I’ve always hated feeling like an inconvenience and that is where my insecurities lied! I was scared to need ppl, because let’s be honest people let you down! I was scared to get truly close to anyone, afraid they’d use my insecurities against me like In the past! I come off as this strong independent woman but in reality prior to the last couple weeks …… I’ve been nothing but scared of the world! Scared of judgement, scared of not being approved, scared I don’t fit in…. ya’ll my anxiety is normally EXTREME!

Then one of my friends decided to start sending me a daily reminder oh how far I’ve come and just positive reminders! She sent this meme and I giggled because the night before that…. I litterly told a piece of my past…. “if you want to be in my life, you’re gonna have to fight to be there”

the old me would never have the balls to say that, let alone to someone I cared very deeply about. But I realized with relationships and friendships… its SO DAMN IMPORTANT to always say what you mean, be who you are… those who love you will understand and those who don’t can get the hell out! For the first time in holding everyone including myself accountable… if I love you wether it’s a a friend, family, or relationships, ill give you my all but i expect the same from you! If we can’t hold each other accountable and be 50/50 what’s the point! I’ve got to stop self doubting myself and hold people accountable for their actions and just assuming “ITS FINE, I MUST DESERVE IT” NOOOOOO….. this is where the status quo changes! I know my worth and I’ll hold to it without fear. At the end of the day, those who want to be in my life will and those who aren’t meant to be, thankfully God is showing me real fast how to learn to say no and walk away!

Moral of the Story—- Love Yourself Unapologetically and own it like never before and maybe just maybe you’ll love a life full of nothing but love and laughter!

until next time,

LaceySue 💛

Let’s go back to May 2019

Disclaimer: Obviously there was a lot of damage to my life prior to this time but here’s where My Comeback streams! Here’s where I hit rock bottom, completely over life in general! This is also where, and how I started taking back control over my life! What you are about to read, is not for the faint at heart! It’s not rainbows and sunshine! It’s dark, cloudy and hard…… but it’s also a testimonial moment in my life where maybe just maybe someone whose been there will realize THEY ARE NOT ALONE! I’ve worked so hard at OWNING MY STORY, it’s time to touch base with one of the biggest pieces to the puzzle!

May 10th 2019…. it was a Friday…. it was chilly that day. For the week prior to this one of my closet friends <now> had been staying at my house in the evenings… we were trying to see if there was something still between us or not.. I woke up that morning and I realized I didn’t know what I wanted but that wasn’t it! I told him I needed a break away to think! He loved me, but I couldn’t hurt him not knowing what I wanted! I’ve struggled with being alone my entire life! I struggled to sleep alone! But it wasn’t fair to lead him on when I didn’t know where I stood! <this story is not about him, but I can’t leave this part out without it making sense>

that evening after work I went to another friend’s house. We sat around a fire, just us and her husband while our children played! This was nothing it of the normal for us to do on random nights! Sir outside, chat, and just relax. I had a slight head cold… my nose was running and it was driving me crazy…. about 9pm I left and dropped my kids off to my parents house for the night because I had to work at 5am.

I went home, talked to my buddy that was in Taylorville correction center on the phone and took some benadryl to help me sleep so I could get up at 4am!

WHEN I WENT TO BED THAT NIGHT I never dreamed my entire life was going to change! I had no idea what was coming. I had no idea how the next 7 hours of my life were going to affect me…. all i knew was, it was a normal Friday night and I was ready for bed!

I watched some TV and fell asleep….. it wasn’t until I was awakened in a way, I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy!

sleeping meds and benadryl have always knocked me out hard. I’ve never been easy to wake up… lord do I wish I was!

By the time I woke up and realized what was happening….. it was at a point of no return! An ex of mine I guess you could say…. he crossed a line! He broke a boundary that you can’t come back from…… he broke me on an entire whole new level! By the time I was awake he had not only helped himself into my house, into my bedroom, but also into me! He was drunk! He had just lost his grandmother! It’s not An excuse but it’s where the story evolves! I tried to fight, I screamed, I yelled, I CRIED! I FELT PARALYZED! I was so lost! My heart and mind were racing! How could this happen…. how in the hell can someone live through this twice <may 2007.>

<<<<<>>>back story may 2007, 12 years earlier, this was my reality… it was kept pretty hush hush because I was a McQueen! That man was extradited from Las Vegas, Nevada by a Shelby County cop and detective! That detective was the only bright shining star I had at that point and to this day I’ll forever be thankful for him. He hand picked this man up and he confessed to him ” he hit a point of no return and admitted to what he did to me and I made peace with it because <RM> the detective made sure it was taken care of! Reality is….. I never really dealt with it though…. which is probably why this Rape was a whole new level! >>>>>>>>>>

Goodness, my ❤️…. you realize there’s people that’s known me my entire life and have no idea that either of these events happened….. I’ve blocked them for so long…. pretended to be okay! It’s fine, it is what it is, NO ITS NOT! Let’s break the silence! Let’s break the hiding trauma! Let’s normalize that it’s okay to OWN IT ALL!

Let’s go back to this story! May 11th…. after the “attack” had taken place…. I was A GIANT MESS! I SCREAMED I CRIED UNCONTROLLABLY! I WAS SCARED, someone i knew came into my house while I was asleep and took something that didn’t belong to them. All i could think was WTF would anyone think any of this was okay! I had to be at work in just a few hours and I was in all honesty just in shock. I couldn’t function but I couldn’t stay at my house…. I tried to go to Walmart to get a morning after pill but I couldn’t handle seeing anyone. I was terrified! I decided to head straight to work <anyone that knows me, I don’t miss work> I sat in that parking lot and the girl I was taking over for at 5 sat and listened to me cry because I was too scared to get out of my car! I couldn’t process, I couldn’t feel bit I knew working in a nursing home I was safe behind locked doors. In all honesty that’s probably why I went to work…. no one could get in that building without a code! More importantly HE COULD NOT get in there without a code! AM tried to get me to tell my boss, tried to get me to call in, I couldn’t. I didn’t want anyone to know, I felt disgusting, used, a mess….. I just wanted to work and pretend NOTHING HAPPENED! I COULDN’T, I tried! All I could do was shake and cry. Thankfully there were 2 amazing nurses there that day that helped me, I sure they could tell you in detail what kind of shape I was in. They both just listened and talked…. a couple hours had passed and I still wasn’t okay because I knew i had to go home…. I knew the locks on my door weren’t good….. I knew I could not go back to that house.. without different locks.. I got up the courage to call one of my best friends ” JB, can you have RB go get locks and change them…. im at work I get off at 5 but I can’t come home without the locks changed” of course she knew instantly something was wrong…. I briefly gave her some of the information and without a thought she sent her husband to do just what i needed. She tried to talk me into calling the cops, I didn’t want to….. id already been through this before…. I know how that all goes…after staying at mason point for 12 hours i came home and found RB doing the locks on my door. I could barely look at him… he hugged me and i broke..i lost it… i hated this hiuse, i hated myself, and i hated the rapist even more…. . JB did finally talk me into going to the hospital and doing a rape kit!

that night about 9 o’clock we arrived at SBLH …. one of the amazing nurses I talked about earlier was also a nurse here and told me what I needed to do to make it easier on myself. So JB and I walked into that emergencyroom…. we handed the registration lady a piece of paper that said sexual assault and quickly I was taking back into the triage room. My blood pressure was over 200 and this was roughly 20 hours later. I was smart enough to not shower in the meanwhile but it was more of a I was to paralyzed to do Anything mentally and physically. They quickly moved me into a room where the kindness nurse was there to assure me I wasokay, JB didn’t leave my side once. Next thing I knew a lady walked in, wearing regular clothes. She gave me her name and told me she was with SACIS! She explained that if I was okay with it, she was going to be there through every step to make sure I was comfortable and everything was in my control! I agreed! She explained every step… did you all know there’s over 20 steps to a rape kit… I didn’t <the first time I didn’t have to have one because he openly admitted in text what he did so the cops just used that! I wouldn’t wish a rape kit on my worst enemy… its so invasive, it’s traumatizing, it down right sucks! From having your hair on your arms, head, legs combed for evidence let alone pictures, filing of nails, leaving your clothes behind for evidence…. its down right humiliating! Over 4 hours later I was finally given lorazapam, the morning after pill, and some other meds and got to go home.

JB dropped me off at my house and I called into my boss and told him I couldn’t come…. I wasn’t okay…. I needed to sleep…. I hadn’t really slept in 2 days just a couple hours prior to the attack. He was wonderful about it and found someone to cover for me without me having to tell him in detail what had happened.

the next few days were sooooo hard… the next few weeks were BAD. I was paranoid… what if he comes back… because he wasn’t leaving me alone. This man taunted me for months…. for months I baracaded doors, I slept next to the front door with a knife in case he got in… I slept in my car because I was to afraid to come inside…. my children had no idea what happened just that I was not okay. All I did was shake, yell, cry…. I hid…. I avoided anyone and everyone…. I couldn’t handle being alone so I started going g to the bar with friends. They knew what happened and were keeping close tabs in Me. One night I came home and my door was open… 2 of my friends PC and BM both came guns a blazing and checked over the whole house. Living in fear makes you different, makes you hate, makes you bitter, makes trusting life hard!

That attack changed my life! It opened my eyes. Did I report it to the police no, because he’s a well known human and it was his word verse mine. Did I tell the police what happened yes, and WPD did keep an eye for me. I chose to not report it but to have my rape kit sit in a vault in case at something in time I was ready to do something with it. Some may not agree with this and that’s okay…. for me. MY MENTAL HEALTH, MY KIDS, AND MY WORLD had to come above being drug through the mud with a rape case yet again. The last one took over 2 years of my life and I fought it during my pregnancy with my oldest. I was not going through it all again. Instead I found myself going to SACIS where I met my therapist and started slowly unraveling the attack and the past! O started the healing process…. it was ugly…. I’ve definitely not always been a good human during it. The bitterness made me evil for a long time… it wasn’t until about a year after the rape that I started unraveling the REAL me…. the whole me… and I started working on a better me. What I could do differently to assure I never had yo encounter something so hard that at any point in time in that first year after the world could have lost me. My mental health was so unstable, and I couldn’t function without alcohol or other substances along the way. I was so lost, I was so hurt, and I was scared out of my mind.

I thank God everyday now not that the attack happened, but that I was brave enough to face it < of course with my amazing support system and therapist that is> that night changed me…. that night changed who I water to be and why I push so hard at everything I start. That night is why I love so hard, and why I care to much. That night will forever be impounded into my head but not as a night if weakness but as the night I became a real survivor to this world. A night I could use to share with all of you so that when and if this ever happens you don’t have to feel the shame I did, you don’t have tobtake the hard a way around. That without judgment at any point in time you can call me, message me, send flares in the air whatever you need to do to know you aren’t alone and you need an ear that there’s always a place for you with me. My story matters, and so does yours! My attack created a new overwhelming positive Lacey that many hadn’t seen in a very long time because I had lost sight of who I was sooo many years go, trying to hold up to the perfect reputation in this town that i finally found me in the process. My comeback made me stronger, made me love harder, made me appreciate time in today where I use to live in the past! This is my story and I own it completely and unapologetically!

until next time,

LaceySue 💛

I love love love this meme! It hits hard and home for me as I do this blog! It hits home because I’m reliving things I’ve had hidden in my subconscious for decades but it hits hard because this can be aimed towards me! I was not always a good person. I’ve made lots of mistakes. I’ve had to own some of the hardest things ever because it was the right thing to do! Lord knows I’m far from perfect! And for a long time, I was really far away from believing there was a better life out there but that’s also because I didn’t love myself at all!

it hits home because some of the stories on here and that are waiting to upload I don’t use names. I protect them… not because I want to but because I’m not that bitter person I use to be. I choose me by writing the story, sharing my truth and letting it go. In reality thought, if you’re afraid that your names gonna be on it or on it then BE KIND don’t be a dick and you won’t have to worry about it! I’m not sugar coating my story to save anyone’s reputation including myself. The lights got dimmer for years and now… now it’s time to keep shining bright! It’s time to let it all loose and be 💯 percent with myself!

until then, Lacey Sue 💛

The Sailor

Let’s start with this…. although this current situation was a BIG LESSON, it could have easily been the end of me. It could have went so many ways… but thankfully I’ve been working so hard at loving myself that I didn’t let this…. define me! It defines him!

SO MANY of you have heard me talk in the last 4 weeks about how the “Sailor” was coming to spend his deployment stay with me. We made plans, he asked me to include my friends, we were gonna give it a real shot…. it was going to be our Serendipity!

long story short we started talking in 2019…. 2020 we started talking about meeting and boom covid happened…. that was his excuse out. I accepted it! Sept 2020 he tried to come back into my life but I wasn’t available so… we let it go!

so randomly February 2022 we decided to start chatting…. things moved pretty quick! Within a couple weeks of talking he asked if he could come see me on leave for 2 weeks! I agreed, and we started making plans! Plans for us, the kids, my friends, his family. We had days planned out. We were going to get tattoos. We were going to just enjoy the 14 days and see what happened!

He sent me his flight information and the game plan was I would pick him up at st louis on 3-22-22 @ 228pm.

SOOOO…. this was big… this was a big step for me. Let’s be honest… since MP and I cut ties in October… I hadn’t really found anyone who entertained my heart. Mp did a lot of mental damage to me and broke my spirit, obviouslythere were great times to … so the idea of trying again really terrified me but I decided… after the last 9 months of chaos at this point in my life YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE…. why not give it my all…. what’s the worst that can happen…. <HAHAHA NO WORRIES IT DID JUST THAT… THE WORST! >

AH and I would talk every day all day most the time non stop. Lots of opening up, lots of truths, lots of stories… I adored him. I always did. I shared some of my most vulnerable things with this guy. Because I decided at the end of the day…. I’d worked so hard at owning my story, I was going to be 💯 real! He was in Guam, I was here.. 14 hours apart and we always made it work.

Let’s fast forward to the dooms day! The night before his plane was leaving..we talked for hours through messenger as always! We actually stayed up till 3am my time, 1am his <he was in San Diego at this point> About our nerves and excitement

I mean come on, who wouldn’t believe this prince charming! Finally at 3am we finished taking and he said I’ll see you in less than 12 hours! Ya’ll…. I still had so NYC anxiety but I was SOOOOO EXCITED!

that morning I got up at 6am, ran around silly…. got to my hair apt at 8am SHE ROCKED IT YA’LL! LET ME TELL YOU THIS MUCH, NOT ONLY DID THIS LADY DO A GREAT JOB BUT she straight up came in on her day off because this was so important to me!

next up… had to go grab shoes because i left the house in ugly sandles, it was raining but that’s okay… I kept saying ” rain is good luck on wedding days, maybe for dates it would be too” I kept absolutely positive about everything! Drove to st louis… lord I was a mess haha but I was holding it together…. got there about an hour early…. got inside…. figured out where I was suppose to go… seen where his plane was delayed from 228 to 243… okay okay no big deal….. until

that moment when you realize… 2 hours had went by and he never got off the plane! He never showed up… my heart was a freaking mess, I couldn’t talk to anyone… I gave every benefit of the doubt and finally I had to accept that…. he was never going to be there!

I’m not sure who in their right mind feels like what just happened is okay, but it’s not! None of it was. Even if he got cold feet, at any point in time he could have sent a message im not coming, anything but instead I got no messages. He didn’t block me, but he also had never opened my message from Tuesday either! I’m sure he’s not going to. He knew he was wrong… he knew what he did was not okay! You should never do anything like that to anyone. I was terrified to come home, how am I going to face everyone whose expecting prince charming. This was one of the hardest but best lessons in the long run.

let me tell you this much… if it wasn’t for my support group and my kids, that day could have went so bad… so fast! All my friends checked on me instantly and i told them all… “I’m not okay, this was a whole new level of hurt, ill be okay but I need to be left alone” basically! I turned off my location… and I sat and cried in my car for a while! When I realized I wasn’t in a great place…. I reached out to a person and decided I wasgoing to go stay there, away from the rest of the world for the night. At least until the numbness wore off!

I’d love to say that helped but really all it did was make me realize how much I really didn’t want that either! I was sick of going back to comfortable places because I was too scared to take a chance….. I appreciated the hospitality but I knew our time was done as well!

the normal me…. would have dwelled on why AH did what he did, or why I shouldn’t just try to make things work with MP since he had decided to pop his head back in to the scenario a few days prior but really all that I came up with was… I needed to get into my therapist quickly but her earliest apt was noon…

I left MP, I went straight to DG where bless their hearts my 2 favorite pals met me with big hugs and love yous! I bought a big thing of ice cream and chocolate syrup and sat in the office eating away my sorrows…. I came home for a little while, but I couldn’t get out of my car…. I was so NUMB… this pain was such a different kind of pain… my heart hurt…. I finally changed clothes and headed to therapy because I couldn’t look at that outfit. I didn’t even want to remember Tuesday existed!

I walked into therapy 2 days early and looked straight at her face and said “and the shit show continues” we had just spent the previous Friday discussing that MP came back in contact and that I felt i needed to give AH a fighting chance and them boom…. 4 days later and all feel broke loose lol! I expressed all my feelings and that’s when we started making major progress because we uncovered a piece I hadn’t let go of… and at that very point I realized…. its time to not give in but to fight harder for myself.

the old me would have went back to work, not taken the vacation, and tried to make myself so busy that I couldn’t process anything!

nope nope nope I decided right then and right there… this was a lesson to grow, to learn, to not repeat again with either of them! I had once again chose to go back to familiar places with both of them because new scared me and I was not doing that anymore. Fool me once shame on you, twice shame on me. Third time haha YES I SUCK AT HAVING TO BIG OF A HEART but okay okay lord…. I get it now! Let the past be the past!

I walked out of therapy feeling a whole new way, realizing things at surface value and seeing more of my worth than ever before!

I also walked out of therapy to a new friend request… from someone I didn’t know but had mutual friends with…. I think there will possibly be a blog in the future about that but for now… im going back to enjoying vacation… A vacation based on my wants and needs! It’s a me-cation, a soul reaching time to work on some things I’ve needed to process for a while!

until next time…

Love Always Lacey Sue!

THIS HITS HOME! THIS SPEAKS VOLUMES! THIS IS ONE OF MY BIGGEST WEAKNESSES!

it’s so easy to be scared of new! Scared of what you don’t feel you deserve! So many people stay in bad relationships or run back to them at the first opportunity because it’s a comfortable place, a safe space…

BUT YA’LL IT’S NOT! Dammit as much as I hate to admit this… going back to the same toxic thing over and over again isant good, comfortable, or safe! It opens you up too mind games, to selfish behaviors, to second guessing everything you’ve worked so hard to overcome!

you got away <whether you are forced out or ran away from> you got through it… THAT ALONE is MAJOR! Lol at you, living and shit! You’ve taken the time to heal to grow, to love yourself… the toxic people catch this… they see you winning! They realize you don’t need them, you are just fine without them, or maybe they see your happy with someone else and don’t want to risk you no longer being accessible!

I pray for anyone that needs to hear this…

✔️ YOU ARE ENOUGH

✔️ YOU DESERVE THE WORLD

✔️ YOU ARE AMAZING JUST THE WAY YOU ARE

maybe you run into a situation that what once was toxic, may not seem that way. Maybe they tell you everything you want to hear. Maybe they show you new ways they want you, or say those things you’ve prayed for them to say. But, maybe this time you catch the red flags early on, maybe you won’t! If you do though, please love yourself enough to run away!

run away and wait for the someone who deserves your love, your affection, your time! Wait for that person that makes you a priority even continents away! Wait for someone who wants to learn your past, to help you grow instead of using it against you! Wait for that person who just listens to your heart, and can sing the lyrics without ever hearing the beat!

Don’t settle because it’s easier, don’t settle period! YOU DESERVE THE WORLD! TAKE IT, OWN IT, AND MAKE IT YOURS!

let’s talk about alcohol! Alcohol has played a part in my life since I was 13! When I was 13 we were just being “cool” throwing that old blue Malibu in our lemon line Gatorade 🤣! Off and on for years my friends and I would dabble with whatever we could find! It was all for giggles and laughs anyways right, what harm could it do!

by 16 we were drinking on weekends, sitting uptown at the grocery store on the picnic tables or going cruising around! Having camp outs just so we could drink and no one would know!

then fast forward to 17 <2004>! 17 was an incredibly hard year for me! Every hope I had was crushed! At 17, I applied to Lincoln Christian College so I could get my degree in youth ministry! All I ever wanted was to be just like my old youth pastor JH! He and his wife were my saving grace for so many years! They walked me through every hard step once I was open and honest and let them on. When I found out I didn’t get accepted because my GPA was too low, and I missed the ACT test score by 2 points I was crushed. That’s when my spirialing really started.

Then next up my best friend, my whole world packed up and moved with her family to Oklahoma. That’s when my faith skipped out fully. I was lost. I spent the last 2 years building up everything and at this point in my life I felt I had nothing left to give.

I’ve never handled losing people very well! I’ve never handled not being top notch well. If I had a dream and a curve ball came at that time in life I just gave up!

so I tried reinventing myself…. I found a new group of friends and started trying to “fit in” 2005 was definitely a year of chaos!

IN my community, at the point of 17 I held a higher standard. I was that kid who helped, who loved, who cares, who was helping the youth at church, then things changed. My new group of friends introduced me to Mary Jane! So now I was drinking, smoking cigarettes, and smoking weed! Hosting keggers with my friends, and just living up the world. Who needed the old me, she wasn’t fun. She was a goody too shoe!

Thanksgiving eve 2004! I’ll never forget this day! t went to our party house in funkhouser. We were hosting a Thanksgiving kegger. So many ppl, so many guys, so much fun until it wasn’t! That night will probably stick with me forever because that’s the night I lost everything, I had ever worked for in the windsor community 💔!

We were playing cards, strip poker came up and I was too much of a worry wort to play. So instead AY and CH picked me up through me in the shower with all my clothes on and I abandoned ship with one of my ” friends” she was taking her brother home. What I didn’t know was when we got pulled over our vehicle would be checked. I left my purse in the back seat of that car. It had a small bowl < paraphernalia> and less than an 8th of weed in it. Here I am standing cold in my LCC hoodie I got on my campus visit. Getting arrested at 4am! I had to call my parents let me tell you how well that went 🤣! My family being law enforcement definitely did not make them proud! That morning, after sitting in a jail, Thanksgiving was definitely awkward…. on black Friday my parents made me go tell the only few ppl i cared about what i had done.

I walked across the street, I sat with Mrs. Keck the superintendent and cried. She was one of the kindness humans I’ll never know! That woman was my principal from prek to 6th grade and when I transferred to junior high she went to superintendent and let me tell you, knowing i let her down broke my heart but she still loved me regardless! Then the other hard ones were telling the 2 basketball coaches I couldn’t be the manager anymore destroyed me. That was the one thing I always looked forward to. I remember walking in to BW classroom and he said “the paper messed up you and your sisters name” bless his heart, he had no idea what kind of a mess I had gotten myself into! Let me tell you this though… those 2 teachers/ coaches never once let me mistakes change the way they treated me! BL/BW were 2 of the best teachers WHS ever had and thankfully now they are teaching my babies!

never did I realize that starting with Alcohol so young was going to be a gateway to a whole new world but it was. I’d love to say that this is where the story ends with alcohol, pot, and other substances but it isant! But let’s touch that another day, this story is far from being uncovered!

Until next time—-

LaceySue 💛

17 weeks…. 17 long weeks with some answers finally dwindling down! 17 weeks ago Saturday… I was simply doing what I loved the most, I was cleaning my house and preparing for a evening with what was once my favorite human! The month before hand had been insane…. kids covid, then wes hurt, then emergency surgery, then Victoria… I was just looking forward to spending a simple, fun evening with what was once my only safe place!

That day… no one had any idea that day was going to turn into such a nightmare but yet was also going to mold me into who I’m becoming and for that I can see the silver lining!

17 weeks ago when I came to and had that little puncture in my leg i. Imagine it would be like everything else and would phase out! Unfortunately that little wound has caused a lot of problems. 4 admits to the hospital, 7 emergency room visits, 15 weeks of antibiotics, 1 week steroid cream, the first set of biopsies, 1 primary, 1 wound doctor, 4 hospital list, 1 infectious wound doctor, 20 or more amazing nurses, and now we start with new doctors, new methods, more biopsies to get further into what the first gave us and in all honesty we are barely any closer than we were in the beginning! 4 new nodulers and 6 potential new pimple like ulcers waiting to unleash and what once was such a small day that I simply collapsed into a silly portable wardrobe who would have ever thought that little wound could cause so much havoc! I’ve always been clutzy but I always bounce back….

This wound is taking its every chance to knock me down and because of that…. thats why I fight it! This wound has made me better! I had been working for months/ years to be a better human for everyone but this wound has made me realize I have to be better for me to!

I get it when everyone says “if you’d stay off of it, it’d heal” NO. You’re wrong! It’s a disease inside my body that is what’s causing it to not heal…. no doctor has said I can’t work. In fact my doctors know me well enough that if I don’t work my mental health would strike me harder! Being on my leg isant going to make it worse, it doesn’t always help it but it gives me a reason to push! It gives me a reason to keep going, my poor wound doctor sees me every week and every week he reminds me that the people like me that stay positive and keep pushing are the ones that keep helping those that can’t! It gives me a chance to fight for a normal me, over settling that I may or may not always be able to do that!

I’ve processed really hard over the last few weeks the what if’s, the results, the what can come, the “inevitable ” and that all can really make a person think! Ya’ll know I’m that girl with the funny jokes… oh my leg, ya were just gonna change my name to Eileen, and I’ll go work at Ihop but in all honesty…. amputation wouldn’t even an option at this point! If some tiny nickel size wound won’t heal…. the chances of an amputation wouldn’t heal! I Crack jokes but in all honesty It’s really one of my only coping mechanisms I’ve got left!

I can tell you this wound makes me appreciate so much more than I ever have in my entire life! The little things, the things people take for granted…. those little things I adore them! From the friend that sends a random “I love you” to the kid at dollar general that I got to first bump that day because they came in just to say hi! I can tell you I’m 💯 better at listening to everything…. the big and small details, im more attentive, im more personable, im more compassionate, im more assertive, im more decisive, im more honest, I hold my self completely accountable! I can tell you this wound has brought me a lot closer to a place I’ve wanted to get back for quite sometime… it’s really tested my faith but it’s also made it so much stronger! It’s been extremely scary, it’s made me completely vulnerable, it’s made me push harder than I’ve ever cared to push! It’s also settled with my heart!

This wound has had so many impacts and sure I could sit in my bed, and live on pain meds and just become constantly depressed wondering if this bad boy is ever going to actually heal or what could come! OR I can keep pushing, and being the same human I’ve strives so hard to be that regardless the outcome I didn’t quit mentally or physically! I pushed with everything I had, I cried just as much as I smiled, I laughed just as hard as I was in pain, and knowing that regardless I didn’t just give up when I had every single chance to!

Thats hugh for me! For years my go to was to give up, just accept what I was handed and now look a simple little wound that turned everything upside down also BROUGHT SO MUCH LIGHT INTO IT ALL! I have learned who my friends are, I’ve learned who was in my life for their purpose, I’ve learned who I can count on regardless where the world leads me! I’m so freaking blessed, I’ve never realized how much I truly had until it all started hitting the fans. The friends chatting with each other on how they child jump in with the kids while I was admitted… the ones who show up when I’m sitting in the hospital with an ivy in my arm on lots of pain meds and just sit and listen and laugh…. oh some of the best laughs have happened since this started! The people who send random messages or show up just checking in…. or let’s talk about those lucky individuals that have watching this wound hit 50 shades of gross over snapchat with me! Ya’ll some of the smallest gestures really make a person feel loved but it also made me so greatful to be that person that loves to do that for others! Regardless in this life if nothing else the only goal I’ve ever had was to leave a legacy, to be remembered as someone who loved to much, laughed uncontrollably and who lived with everything I had! The best lesson I ever learned was it was okay to process things in your own way, but it wasn’t okay to just accept them! I’m so greatful to be surrounded by so many genuinely good humans that have really helped push me to be so much better! To take the bad, find the good in it! To be sad but not sad enough it destroyed the happy in you. To accept that It’s not in my control! Learning that it’s never been in my control, it was hard because I have some issues with wanting control but everything happens for a reason, a season or a lifetime! I can control how I handle life but I can’t control what happens in life! There’s much higher powers involved with that, and his plans keep unraveling day after day! 💛💛💛💛

17 weeks later and it’s still just the beginning 💛 I saw this picture and it hit me, so sorry not sorry for the rant …. we all know it’s what I do but know if I’m being quiet it’s really just because I’m processing and reflecting ! I’m learning and I’m growing! I’m pushing and I’m being optimistic! Some days I sleep more than I move, and some days I work 15 hour days, some days I just have to sit with my own thoughts and some days I just want to chat away. But regardless everything that’s happened in the last 17 weeks I’m so greatful to have found a love for me and a push for myself that I hadn’t seen in a very long time! The want to keep going…. the need to do the not every day normal things…. the learning how to live in the present! The less time on my phone at home, more time with my kids at games, or letting the kids have random sleepovers. I’ve learned so much, in such a little amount of time but i had taken so much of that for granted not realizing it until you spend over 20 days in a hospital..off and on. until your lil bit has to wonder if momma gets to come home from her apt, the basketball games I had to miss because I was in to much pain or in the hospital with an ivy in my arm again. All the things I loved, I took for granted and I don’t ever want to be that person again. I want my kids to know that at the end of the day, I did every single thing I could to really be apart of their lives and to put us in a better place. I want the purple in my life to always realize how much I appreciate them not have to ever question where I stand and above all else I just want to keep working at being a better human for everyone I love, the people I don’t know, and the ones who probably wish they didn’t know me lol! I just want to be better than who I was yesterday every day… do I fail, absolutely…. do I quit….. absolutely NOT…. I own what mistakes i make, I don’t hold back and i LOVE way too much but I will always try to be better and love better! Less judgement and more love is a big part of what this world needs! Be kind to others but most importantly be kind to yourself! #BeYouYourTheOnlyOneGodMadeThisWay

Until later,

With much love,

LaceySue 💛

For those who have been following the “Wound”

Tuesday the decision to take me off antibiotics again <knowing I will more than likely end up being admitted again> and try steroids was made by a new physician and then followed up with by my wound clinic doctor as well! The hope is that the steroids will help what’s going on, until we can get further results from the second set of biopsies they took on Tuesday along with the new culture’s! We should have all those results within over the next 2 weeks and will see what’s to come along the way! I appreciate all the concerns <I know I over do it sometimes>, as much as I appreciate all the love I’ve watched since this began! Thankfully if nothing else this little wound is making such a huge impact on my perspectives on a whole new level!

Well I’m offically home from this week’s round of being hospitalized! Tuesday I showed up at the wound clinic as normal but i knew what was coming! They literally walked me down to the emergency room because the infection had taken a nasty turn again! This leg ya’ll…. its trying its hardest to break me! The emergency roomlead to being admitted and moved up to the 4th level of hospitalized care! I was leveled on pain meds and po antibiotics. Over 3 days and 2 nights I blew quite a few ivys as normal and the pain was harder to deal with this round. There was a debate on my care on whether or not I should get a picc line and at home ivy Antibiotics or if I should try another round of oral antibiotics and pain meds at home! Well the result of that was were trying to up the dosage of oral meds and see if that works I guess! Soo I got to come home last night on 4000mg of keflex a day and pain meds every 4 hrs as needed! I’d be lying if I said this doesn’t terrify me at this point! My cultures are still growing, my protein in my body is low, and at this point we’re expected to be back in the hospital in a matter of time if these meds don’t do the trick!

I’ve never in my entire life wanted to be “Normal” as much as I do right now! I’ve never been as nervous about Anthing as I am my leg that’s 15 weeks old as of today! In 15 weeks there’s been 7er visits, 3 hospitalized stays, 2 possible rate auto immune, 1 flesh eating virus and frankly we aren’t anywhere closer than where we were in the beginning! I have had some terrific doctors and some that aren’t so fabulous! 98% of my nurses have been amazing! The wound team on the 3rd floor is fabulous and the wound team for the hospital is equally amazing! We do have some possible answers on why it’s not healing from the biopsies but we’re still waiting on test and results to some of the above! Unfortunately right now it’s a guessing game on how to control this! I appreciate all the calls, texts, facebook prayers, and regular prayers!

for now I’m going to be greatful to be home with my kids and ankle to go back to work as tolerated and see what’s to come at next Tuesdays appointment!

until then 💛

lacey sue