I’ve been super quiet I know, but there’s good reason for that! With my quietness, I’ve been processing, researching, overcoming, learning and focusing where my attention needed to be! I actually took time away from the world in general.. my phone included! Ask my besties they will tell you I haven’t really been talking to anyone including them lately!
There’s lots of things that have impacted my little family over the last 6 months! It’s been a lot to take in and I’m not generally great at dealing with things! I use to use some not so fabulous coping mechanisms. Thankfully those coping mechanisms are a part of my past! Goodness so much time wasted on so many things, but at the end of those day those things mattered! It all Really makes a person look at their perspectives in life!
Speaking of Perspectives…. mine has changed so much over the last 2.5 years! What I once thought was so important, now seem like such silly/or not so big things! Those times I needed to have So many friends, or a significant other and I settled for things I shouldn’t have…. I hate that I wasted that precious time but im also so greatful for the experiences!
I use to really not care about myself at all, I didn’t care what happened as long as humans <the good and the bad> were apart of my life! It’s so big for me to now say “I UNAPOLOGETICALLY LOVE ME”
I use to take those good and bad experiences <that my story is created with> and just accept them because it was inevitable that I just deserved what I granted myself! Not anymore, I accept every challenge wide open and I fight to stay true to not only to those I love but too myself!
it’s amazing how such little things and big things can really make you do a 360 with your life!
I’m not anywhere close to where I was 2.5 years ago and I’m not finished with my work yet! In reality can you ever really be finished working on you!
there’s lots of bumps and curve balls being thrown my direction and for the first time in my life I can say I clearly, soberly, promptly doing everything I can to overcome, what’s coming my direction and that’s BIG!
The big steps that I’ve called baby steps for so long are finally adding up and I’m so greatful that I can look at every bad experience in the past and present and realize that they all served a purpose! They have made me who I am, and have taught me how to unapologetically love myself and those I love with everything I have! Finding the silver lining makes the world a better place to live in and learning how to fight for myself finally allowed the real me to come to surface! The person who unapologetically tries to right my wrongs, the person who tries to live with everything i have, the person who tries to be strong for everyone including myself, the person that’s meant to move mountains so that it can help someone else not feel alone or defeated! I’m that person and I couldn’t feel more proud than what i already am right now of the things I’ve accomplished especially in the last 2.5 years!
We are all here on borrowed time! We all have a purpose, a reason, a why! I had to learn to stop trying to steal the pen from the Lord and let him use me the way I was meant to be used! For someone that gave up on religion and faith for a long time, im greatful that slowly and surely I’m going right back where I belong!
I don’t want this world to think I’m bitter and angry like I was for so long, I want to always be that person that people tell funny stories about, that leaves a legacy that echos for years to come…. because I wasn’t scared or ashamed of my story! So now my goal is to keep loving myself, keep sharing, keep fighting and pushing and spend hopefully the rest of my life living better, laughing as much as possible, and loving uncontrollably because that’s who I am and who I will always be! Sometimes in the dark, we find a light that changes us and I am extremely thankful to say aortic the tunnel can be scary… there’s a light at the end of it that makes everything so much lighter! So love you, love every ounce of you! If you want to change, do it. If you want to grow, reach. Don’t hold yourself back…. push through whatever is on your heart and let it go! Don’t leave your story unwritten, own it, love it, and unapologetically BE YOU!
hey ya’ll, im back! It’s been a hot minute i know but my life well it was the normal shit show, added with a few unexpected curveballs now thankfully we should be on a decent road of recovery now!
so i haven’t really blogged much since it’s been insanely crazy but I thought I’d finally get a good one in to maybe explain a few things everyone’s questioning! Obviously I’m alive and finally home now.
So the wound got reinfected and we were working on antibiotics to help it… the problem was they weren’t! The Tuesday before Christmas I walked into the wound clinic for my normal debreed… unfortunately the doctor went to take off my bandage to realize there were 2 wounds the infection was spreading. The fastest they could get me into mri was the following Tuesday so we just tried to hold out. The pain became to much and I was getting weaker and on Wednesday night I had to go to the emergency room.. there were no beds at all… that place was insane.I returned thrusday morning from that trip and the wound clinic called in bigger harder antibiotics and had me watching for possible sepsis but allowed me to stay home due to Chrismas with the agreement I’d rest and come in if needed!
my heart was broken…. Christmas is my favorite holiday and my kids…. there was no way I couldn’t be with them so I prayed like I never prayed before that I’d make it through Christmas with my babies! The kids and I talked and we were prepared if I had to go in… we could video chat their presents but deep down none of us were okay with this idea.. .
Thrusday I spent the day in bed, I was cold and slept…. Christmas Eve came and the kids and I ran to go to Walmart for last minute stuff and that less than an hour trip knocked the wind out of me. We went and did a couple Christmas eve with family and off to bed we went. Bless wesleys heart, he had to we me up to play Santa because this momma was done.
thankfully the next day we all slept till around 9, lil bit came running into my bed SANTA CAME! That was music too my ears, I had made it they’d the worst… the low Temps running between 96.1 to 96.7 the getting sick everything was good. We celebrated Christmas with my dad coming down to watch the kids open their gifts. Then we had family dinner, and naps…. I had went to change my wound to find out that 2 became 3 🤔 I really wanted to wait out till Tuesday for mri and wound doctor but unfortunately that wasn’t coming. So later that afternoon 26th I took off for the hospital… due to the multiple wounds we had gotten infectious disease involved. The wound had come back with pure vengenance and the bactrim pills weren’t touching it. Back on the morphine every 2, Norco every 4, Ativan every 6, back on the vancomyicin antibiotic ivys.
they started running all these test…. the bad thing was there was no rooms… <that’s actually what saved me from not being admitted pre Chrismas lol> so they put like 5/6 of us in this room with curtains and altho it wasn’t ideal… let me tell you this…. the nurse, the techs, the cnas, those people go without so much recognition… bless their hearts they were running crazy, still smiling, still kind, and frankly I wouldn’t have survived this visit without them! Finally a couple days passed and a i got into a room last night. In the meanwhile a 4th wound had started!
4 of these stupid things so we had to do a skin and tissue biopsy <NOT FUN even after 4mg of morphine, a oxy and Ativan> and finally I crashed! But the biopsies made my big wound look like an owl 😄🤣 🦉
this morning I woke up and my white cells and vanco numbers were good enough I got to get released. I finally got home, got my babies and got showered! Kids I’m seriously so thankful for my tribe…. these people offered to take my kids multiple times whatever they could do to help. I’m so very blessed with the village I have and my children have!
now we wait a course of a few days to get all the biopsies back to see if we can figure out why they are multiplying and how to proper treat it! Obviously if any signs come back of infection back to the hospital I go but until then I’m released to live my best life right here with babies and back at work!
First of all God definitely had his hand in this… so incredibly greatful because at the way my temp was dropping I could have had to go in at anytime…. also so greatful for my wonderful clients who have been super understanding and dollar general who has been amazing as well! Thanks to everyone and I hope your Christmas was a incredible as mine was just by being home with my kids 💛
This…. this speaks VOLUMES! You know, I use to be that human who needed others! I needed to be surrounded by all the people. I needed to be loved by so many. For years actually I’ve allowed so many humans to walk over me! I’ve allowed so many things to be destroyed so I could hold a higher reputation. I was bitter, angry, mad but not at the world…. at myself! That’s a hard pill to swallow, too be able to say… hey I did a bunch of really crappy things to other humans and myself so I could make myself fit into certian perspectives of others! This year I worked solely on me…. on why I did things I’m not proud of, on why I treated some people unkindly, of why it was so important to fill the roles I attempted to fill.
insecurities at its finest is the anwser! I was so insecure, I was so alone <even surrounded by all kinds of people>, I was miserable at myself and projected it on to others! If you were one of those humans, I apologize! I’m sorry for the moments I allowed pettiness to take over, for the times I allowed myself To disrespect someone who never harmed me. I’m sorry that at one point in my life I treated people a way I felt, instead of what u should have been doing! That’s never the person I wanted to be, but I promise you this…. im doing better! I will be better!
I’ve struggled a lot this last year learning so much about myself. I’ve spent the hours of therapy. Let me tell ya all this much, my therapist she’s a Saint! She’s listened to me cry, laugh, house, silent, scream, angry, pretty much every single emotion known to God, that woman has just guided me! She doesn’t give me the answers, believe me I’ve tried…. instead she’s helped me learn to ask myself the questions and fully own all of it.
may 11th 2019 may have changed my life <another day, another blog> but deep down that one event brought me to finally be able to say “I truly love myself” I love the good, the bad, the happy, and sad! I’m not scared of my demons…. im not scared of what people say or think… if I did it or do it.. I own it! 2 years ago that wasn’t me… 1 year ago… that wasn’t me…. but it was the beginning of it all. I started therapy after the events on 5-11-19 but I didn’t really let her out myself in to my soul until a year after I started!
to be honest, the hardest lesson I’ve hard to learn to date is… how can someone <multiple ppl> I trusted choose to hurt me in unspeakable ways in reality I had to realize I was allowing it! I was allowing things to happens, I put trust into people I shouldn’t and I tried my best to always see the good in people!
the hardest thing to swallow is… some people aren’t good! Some are only there for their use of you and what that does for them. But it’s also a matter of some people just made bad choices and maybe never realized how much damage they can cause with their own insecurities!
I’m not even discussing my love life at this point… im discussing friendships! Ppl who like to play the victim, ppl who just flat out lie to your face, purple who you know didn’t mean to hurt you but may have! In the last week of my life I’ve got 3 doses of crappy situations and for once I didn’t turn bitter! Did I want to… absolutely, but I won’t because my energy isant worth their mistakes! My energy and my happiness isant dependent on having them as humans in my life. 3 people… 3 completely different situations! I’m mad at myself for not seeing it with two, but the other I expect nothing less from. You see, I have a very small circle of people I truly unruly trust! One of those people decided to betray my trust, to betray me by spreading a false accusation without any evidence them covering it up like it didn’t happen. It did! Then there’s one that spreads things about everyone 😹😹 those good ole shit stirrers that no one cares to even listen to… and one who I really wanted to see the good in and sometimes that’s just not what’s really behind the curtain… when these 3 situations happened instead of being the old me and freaking out, I’ve acted like nothing has happened and went on with my life because i realized it’s not about me. It’s about them taking their insecurities and trying to turn them on someone else so they could attempt to feel better about their lives! Hey…. you do you Boo boo! I’m not here to care or break myself down over something that’s out of my control. I know it wasn’t the situation but that’s okay… at the end of the day I can only anwser to what I do and hold myself accountable for my actions! Do I hate them, absolutely not.. in fact I love one of them very much but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt… do I hate what they did absolutely and that’s the difference. Knowing for the first time in my life I can look at the situation and hate the actions and not the person is big for me! I use to be able to hold a grudge like no other. You hurt me, the old me thought of how I could make you pay…. the new me thinks of the reasons on why… does the investigation work and makes the puzzle fit. I had to learn that sometimes people aren’t meant to be in your life, I had to learn that some good people, sometimes do bad things. The biggest lesson in everything has been learning that not everything is my fault, not everything is something I did or deserved. Those are major growths for me. To be able to look at the situation and realize that hey, this is not on me is huge because anyone that knows me knows I struggle to blame myself for 95% of what goes on. Nah, life happens… bad things happen, people can let you down, some people are just not good humans but realizing that not everything is about me is huge! Sure something was said about me, sure it hurt to hear but recognizing that it’s just someone’s petty insecurities of themselves projecting towards me is huge! Ya’ll growth is hard but so rewarding, therapy is hard but so rewarding…. ya’ll accountability is hard but dammit owning it all has really changed who I am. You want to know why I don’t hate these humans for hurting me…. because I use to be them… I use to be that insecure person who could only have one friend and couldn’t share. I use to depend on others for happiness instead of finding it myself… I use to be these people and now I’m not and that scares people!
change is scary for everyone but every single day in so greatful that I’m finally changing and growing into the human I want to be and the person whose pushed so hard to keep going forward even when life has giving me every reason to fall apart. To the people that have hurt me or someone else, I hope you find you! I hope and pray that someday you’ll see that there’s so much more to life than the fake appearances the world sees. I hope you find the love in yourself that you deserve! I hope you find the peace that your heart earns for because it’s there. You just have to push to get there and you have to want to be better instead of trying to out do others…. and push them down. This world needs more uplifting of strangers but more than that is needs more honesty with ourselves! I’m so greatful for each experience as I’m slowly unraveling a whole new me and I hope every person that needs to find that for themselves does! 💛💛💛
until later, much love
p.s. if the shoe fits, lace it up and wear it! You don’t like the shoes…. only you can choose another pair!
Happy Thanksgiving Ya’ll! ITS TURKEY DAY! This year, oh goodness this year has been one for the books! Ya know I’ve claimed the last 2 years as my years…. haha 2020 was the RONA and then I broke my back… then let’s be honest this year was pretty decent haha until fall and it’s been crazy since…. but I’m all honesty even with the craziness I say and realized HOW TRULY BLESSED me and my babies are!
when the kids got covid the beginning of September I was terrified for them especially lil bit but God was good and it was all mild to nothing
We finally got out of quarantine just in time to celebrate Victoria’s birthday in shopping fashion with her favorite friends Bonnie and Will them 4 days later another call came in Wesley had been hurt and the ambulance was picking him up. My heart stopped that day in a way it never had before for him! Wesleys always been healthy other than a few broken bones as a little kid. I rushed to meet him at the school and then to beat them to the hospital. Originally we thought his arm had just been lacerated, but turned out 5 days later we were taken back into an emergency surgery his Ulmer nerve had been severed…. he was broken 💔 his football career was done, his basketball season that he worked so hard for was not looking good! I honestly didn’t know how to even encourage him because the odds were against him. 18 to 24 month recovery, so we just took it with stride! But let me tell you this….. you take that horrible situation and man I couldn’t help but feel blessed! My friends and family jumped in quickly to help with whatever they could and we survived it and just had to wait out of his arm was going to recover fully or not!
them you throw that down, life slowed down for about 2 weeks then little bit, oh my ❤, came down. The sleeping was getting out of hand again and Momma’s nerves were unsteady, so I called for blood work to find out that unfortunately Victoria’s body decided to work against her and we needed a transfusion. My heart broke to a whole new level that day! She was gone on in a vacation and I couldn’t get to her, thankfully my circle came together again to help keep me sane. Then the next day I was simply doing laundry and the next thing I knew I was in praying position on my floor with a piece of my wardrobe closet in my leg! Thankfully Alexa got the brown family quickly to my house, and between them and the rest of my tribe off, the ambulance got me to the hospital safe and sound. Again my tribe kicked in to sit with me and take me home. My family/friends quickly jumped in witheverything that day and that evening I was very well taken care of as well 💛! That next week we started at st judes with Victoria’s doctors, gained a few new ones, and started working on a plan. She got her transfusion and thank the lord her numbers haven’t dropped since.
fast forward about 2 weeks and we met with Victoria new oncologist/hemotoligist at carle and got things rolling…. blessed its so much closer and to have so many doctors working to make sure we don’t drop again!
then came basketball season, I tremendously had no idea what was to come…. Wes worked his tail off in physical therapy and doing his exercises and low and behold the surgeon released him to play. He didn’t get to really practice with the boys at all, but he got to actually play. I was nervous but had to sit back and realize I just needed to have faith and let him do what he loves so much! By the grace of God and the amazing surgeon that worked on him. My heart was filled watching him play the one sport he loves more than everything else!
then you throw a week later into the mix and I went to the emergency room to end up admitted for 5 days…. 5 days away from my babies…. 5 days of ivy Antibiotics, pain meds, and wound dressings. 5 days of realizing who really cares and seeing the unpouring love showed to me and my children in a desperate time of need! I’ll never be able to repay the people that stepped in to take care of my children when I couldn’t. I’ll forever be grateful for the kind hearts that jumped in while I was in the hospital and once I came home! That stay in the hospital and once I came home really opened my eyes!
better yet it opened my heart! Sir we went through a 3 month crisis of never ending serious events but there were so many blessings along the way! So many things to be thankful for! The silver linings were and still are amazing and made me realize how truly blessed my heart is!
ya see, I use to think ” What else, what could go wrong” I was constantly a downer and I’ve learned that if i just take the bad and find the good, it really makes it worth so much more. Sure I could be all upset and angry because let’s be honest haha my luck is not good but look how blessed I am to have so many individuals willing to jump in and keep me sane!
I challenge everyone, not just for the holidays but for everyday…. find that silver lining, reach and keep pushing… im reality is a lot of bad happened but when you look at the big picture…. any 3 of my little family could easily not be here, could be in a hospital, and instead we are all okay and mending and the world is still rolling! I’ve told the kids for a long time when they say “why us” because we were built for this. They come from strength, and someday they will realize they can choose to be toxic and evil or they can choose to forgive, forget, and love with all their hearts! We 3 will always see the silver lining and we will hope you do too!
from me and mine, to you and yours may your THANKSGIVING be as magical as possible!
THIS topic entertains me to much! So let’s talk about ” Backtracking” the ones who got away! Every person I have ever dated, been with I have always prioritized high above myself! In fact, I normally set that bar so high that they struggle to find another person that will do the stuff I did for them! 9/10 each of these humans hurt me or treated me like crap and I took it, because I didn’t value myself at all! I never realized I was dimming myself down to appease men that didn’t deserve me! They didn’t deserve the love I had or gave them. They used me for their needs and them slowly destroyed my self worth day by day and I completely allowed it because the idea of being alone TERRIFIED me on all levels! I didn’t want to end up alone so I took whatever I got.
FOR years there’s been an on going joke throughout my friends because 90% of my ex’s come back and try again or think that’s an option! I get the “I miss you” ” I miss us” “There’s not life without you” ” Let’s try again” I use to feed into it everytime, because maybe they changed. Maybe they saw what they were missing and it can finally be amazing. But slowly I realized it would only last so long then when they realized I changed, and I wasn’t going to allow the same behavior, boom they would disappear again 🤣! Gone like a freight train!
It took a lot of heart ache to realize that, they aren’t the humans I want to be with! If they can hurt me the way they did, then they didn’t love me. They loved the idea of me, just like I loved the idea of them but in reality the toxic would eventually come back and it was a hard lesson in learning to let go! For instance, my very first from when I was 18, he was the highlight of my life…. this man called me all the time, daily nightly, he was an over the road truck driver! He actually dated one of my childhood best friends so he knew me! At the time I was a manager at pilot, and that’s how we rekindled along the way! This man was a delight but knew I was naive! Heck when I asked him if he lived alone, he even told me “I have a female roommate” I never batted an eye! I trusted him, why would I think anything else! Iwas desperately not okay, mentally I wasnot okay, so I grasped on to him! We will discuss that later though! So things kept moving along, smoothly, it was great! This man has to have loved me right, he was the first person I ever really cared about…. he was the first person I fully gave myself too. It wasn’t until after I gave him my heart and soul that I learned, he was married 😞😓😩😤 I was broken 💔 I felt destroyed! I was so mad at myself, how can I be that person! How did this happen! I hated myself, more than I already did! He swore they are separated, he was unhappy, they had a 1 year old, he was going to leave her. I knew it was all lies! I knew, I loved him but I knew it had to be done. That single experience destroyed a big part of my heart! How do you recover from that! For years I hated myself for that situation and the funny thing about it, I thought maybe I’ll be the reason he changes! Maybe I’ll be the reason he goes home and foxes it or he will just leave her! Because I hated that he was destroying another lady, his wife, and I told him it wasn’t fair to her!
So play the tape to 15 years later! Legit this all went down September 2005, let’s go to January 2020! Magically this man finds me on Facebook and wants to talk! So I agree to meet for coffee, we went to Starbucks! I listened to the same speal I got the forest time! Oh, were separated but I can’t finalize the divorce for this reason or the next and over and over again! So I listened but I made it clear, until I had divorce papers in my hand I wasn’t caving and I didn’t. He got so angry, told me I was irrational, and needed to process that he’d lose this much money if he didn’t wait and blah blah blah! I said that’s fine, you do you but as for me, until judici days you’re divorced I’m out! I’m so sick of men thinking manipulation is okay! It’s not! You can’t come at me with, oh this just needs to be accepted it will be fine…. no no it’s not! I allowed that man to destroy me because I believed him the first time…. that Good ole saying “Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me” he wasn’t prepared that I’d make demands or expect any better! He hoped I was still that lost, naive, broken girl that craved human consistency so much that I’d fall right back into his lap! I didn’t! I cut those ties and blocked him finally on every thing possible!
I was so gosh darn proud of myself too because I finally cared enough about myself to stop hating myself and start loving myself and finding my worth!
you see, from the age 11- 32 I hated myself! I allowed a lot of things to happen, some I had absolutely no choice in, but some i just was naive, dumb, unworthy, unloved, and I struggled with self worth so bad that I didn’t care what happened to me because deep down I didn’t care if I existed the entire time <we will go into that as well later>! I made a lot of horrible mistakes, I did things in not proud of but I own them. They’re mine, they’re a piece to a puzzle that unfortunately took over 2 decades to finally pull it all together but little by little it’s all about to come to the surface and the real me is coming to light as who I am and not who I was!
You know, im reality i haven’t even hit the importance of my blog yet! I’m slowly building up to it, as I’m ready to release! The major pieces haven’t even come to light yet completely! In time they will! In my time they will!
Someone asked me, why are you doing a blog? Ya know in reality I’ve stated for years…. “one of these days I’m going to write a best selling book about my life, and it’s going to be the light for someone else!” There’s so much more to me than meets the eye! Most of the people reading this will encounter things that I’m sure will make them uncomfortable, sad, some happy .. who knows! None of this is a purpose in being acknowledged or sympathy. This is purely so that maybe, just maybe…. someone won’t feel alone! Personally I achieved my initial goal with just one of my blogs and that’s when I realized I don’t want to help just one human. I want to help every single human I can along the way through my experiences! Why not take some bad things and make them a thing that teaches someone else how to survive, how to process, how to love, how to have compassion! Through my past I’ve learned with each and every step that you have to find the good in everything! Reach in and find the silver lining. Life can suck, bad things happen to Good people. Good people can do bad things and they don’t have to be reminded of it for the rest of their lives! Everyone lives differently, everyone grieves differently, everyone heals differently. My healing is writing! My healing is finding the missing puzzle pieces and making it all fit so I can understand why… why did I go through this? What did I do to deserve this? How did I over come this? I need all the pieces to fit so that I can understand and move on! Everything that’s posted in this blog is something that I’ve already pushed through!
My friends have always said ” if you want to know something, go to Lacey, if she doesn’t know she will find out” I’ve been a investigator my entire life! I’ve always needed the who, what, eden, where and why” I’ve always been that person who someone will say what can you find out for me and I dig in and go do the research! The only difference is…. now I’m doing the research on my self and on my past and bringing little bits and pieces back to life and to the surface of reality! Now I own my demons and skeletons and I hold no fear how anyone takes that! I can only hold myself accountable, I can only handle how I feel and what I am doing! How everyone else feels I can not determine just accept!
And it begins! Desperately for months, let’s be honest we will say years! I’ve been the girl who goes goes goes…. the multitasker, the over achiever, the gotta keep going don’t have time to stop because I’m raising 2 babies and getting my life together!
I’ve been going to therapy since right around may 11th 2019! It wasn’t what I wanted, in the beginning. I actually fought it off and on for months and then again a couple times a year. Anytime she would approach a subject that needed avoided.. I use to bail! I couldn’t fathom bringing up the past, the present and had no desire for a real future! I use to laugh in say obviously I had an issue with A’s. Avoidance ✔ abandonment ✔ I hated those words with every fiber in my being! Those issues got to my heart really easily and would cause me to shut down. Then bless her heart, no matter how much I’d cancel or give up she would push me to try to discuss it. The reality for me was that I was don’t good in my life, why go down broken roads now! Why touch places and experiences in my life that brought sadness. So I’d avoid them like the plaque and forget that they happened. Bury them so they couldn’t bury me!
Depression/insomnia is something I’ve been treated for since I was 12! In 7th grade I was put on depression pills and was forced to live on them for the next 6 years! I hated those pills! I hated those pills for so freaking long. I hated feeling like I had to have a pill to survive. I fought them too!
If you read my very first post I released to the public, you know that 11 year old me started being groomed by someone I knew very well at the age 11, that 11 year old girl started hating herself so much that by the time we were about 6 months into that situation I was cutting myself! Not hard, not deep, just here and there. I needed to feel something and the only feeling I had was when I would bottle up everything going on around me and I’d get so numb that I would take a knife and push it against my skin! It became a way to release what I couldn’t speak of! It was my way to get the pain out.
Let’s be honest, I was probably a “cutter” for 6 months or more before anyone found out. I was always a bigger kid, the”fat” kid, the I don’t fit in kid. I didn’t have a special click I hung out with, Most of my “Friends” weren’t really friends! Most the time I was the girl people had around to laugh at, too do things for them, to basically be their Bitch! I didn’t know how to tell people no, and if I did it didn’t end well so I just went along for the ride! I desperately wanted to be loved and fit in so I did what I thought I had to, regardless what it did to me in the inside!
I hung out with people and groups I knew I didn’t belong in because I just wanted to fit in somewhere! I just wanted to be apart of something so bad, in hopes it would save me from the rabbit hole I was in!
As a7th grader it became harder to hide what I was doing to my body in private because we had locker rooms. We all had to change for PE in front of everyone else. Try being the big girl in a locker room surrounded by so this extremely skinnier girls and see if you don’t find a way to hate yourself more. I did! I dreaded getting dressed for PE soooo freaking much! It was a punishment for me. I’d rush to the locker room everyday in hopes that I could get into the only stall with a door or quickly change inside the shower so no one would have to see my body, let alone find out I had been cutting!
You see, I hate when humans say “People only cut out self harm for attention” you SIR are incorrect! If I wanted attention I wouldn’t hide it and I hid that for almost a solid school year! I didn’t want attention for that, I craved attention yes but it wasn’t for what I was doing. I was terribly ashamed of cutting but I didn’t know how else to get the pain out. In my family you don’t talk about that stuff! We had a reputation to uphold in this town and you didn’t dare cross the line to ruin that! Self harm 9/10 is not for attention but because something so tramadic is going on that we are just looking for an outlet!
If I was seeking attention why did I only cut where people couldn’t see! Being the bigger girl I wore big baggie shirts most the time long sleeve, no one was going to see what I was doing. When I first started I didn’t cut on my longer arms, I cut on my upper arms by my shoulders. In fact to this day, that scar is still there to remind me of how it all began!
I’ll never forget when I first got caught, I was mortified, one of the closest humans and best friends had found the cut marks. I knew I was busted and I hated myself for putting her into that scenario. She shouldn’t have been expected to keep that secret! She told, which in reality was what she should have done but it didn’t get the outcome everyone assumed it would!
I will forever be grateful to her and her mother because they just wanted to help! They cared so much about me and I loved them both dearly. I know they meant good, and the mother was obligated by the state to step in but had no idea that bringing the reality of my cutting to the surface was only going to make my “wonderful” life so much worse!
My cutting brought a new level of attention upon my family. The kind you don’t want. The kind that makes people talk. I had become the embarrassment. The weakling! The “attention seeker”! That stared a while new level of how the next 6 years went!
As for school friends, once the word got out…. some of my friends started trying to bond, some pushed me farther away. Some coukdnt understand, some didn’t want to and some became lifelong friends that are still apart of my life. Some kids Ridiculed me. They called me “Slice and Dice”! In fact the only person I truly cared for started that nickname, he was my every hope and dream and in that moment I didn’t care that he was making fun of me. He finally was seeing me, so I didn’t care if the attention was negative or not. I was in his existence, that was all that mattered.
As you will learn, my crappy relationships all tumble from the beginning. I had no idea what I was setting myself up for at such and early age but I was dooming myself in the love department from the beginning!
Sooner or later my cutting was no longer the hot topic, THANK GOODNESS! BUT NOT SOON ENOUGH IT WASNT GOING TO CAUSE MORE DAMAGE THAN WHAT EVERYONE EXPECTED!
My cutting forced my parents hands into sending me to a counselor, let me tell you how great that went…. about 5 sessions or so and I was pulled. You see, I have one of the memories that hold on to everything, I always have. I can tell you stories from being a child and match them pretty closely to spot on as if I just lived it. You don’t want a child like that going to therapy when you don’t want the rest of the world to come into the light.
Soon I realized it was better to just not talk to humans much about reality and to become so focused into the world and their problems we’d have to push mine aside. Avoidance was a really reallllll issue for me! If I could become so busy with everyone, and everything then A. I wouldn’t have time to want to cut and B I wouldn’t have to deal with my own screwed up life I was hiding.
My being nosey, being a big mouth, being super involved was coverups so I didn’t have to work on me. It was trauma based distractions, so the world wouldn’t watch me fall apart!
If I’d know what 7th grade Lacey knew then, I would have done the work and fixed it but not everyone gets that chance so now at 34 it’s time to put it all to rest! It’s time to wear my scars like tattoos and to stop being ashamed!
Let me state this right now, this blog is for my healing. It’s my story. It’s here so maybe some girl who is just dying to belong can realize those feelings are normal. It’s so maybe someone whose self harming can realize that you are never to DAMAGED to get the help you need. It’s so maybe someone will stop feeling ashamed and reach out and ask for help before 23 years goes by and they’ve made some ungodly life choices. This is my auto biography and the good the bad and the ugly will be owned completely. This blog is to simply bring to light that if things aren’t handled certian ways how bad it can all go and how good it can as well!
My life is not all bad, not at all. I have some great memories as well and I’ve done some great things but it’s also a hot mess express and there’s a lot of things that I never worked through until the last 2 years. I simply just want to help someone else to never have to feel the amount of loneliness, shame, and anger that I have for so long. I’m just now learning how to forgive humans that hurt me decades ago, but im putting in the work to do just that! Forgive them so that I can finally have peace. I’ll never forget but my heart can forgive and or make peace!
Hey guys! Sorry I’ve been MIA this week but I’ve been swamped and enjoying something new and exciting and spending time with loved ones when normally I’d be blogging!
Ya’ll moms and dads can relate to this I’m sure! How do you all stay balanced, where does it stop? Legit between running a full-time business, working a PT job, sports, kids on the daily, kids in sports, and don’t even get me started on doctor Apts! It’s so much! How do you level yourself out!
One thing I did this week was step away from social media more than normal. I put my phone down way more than normal! I stepped up and decided hey its okay to not respond right away! For so long I’ve felt obligated to respond back to humans instantly and this week I did just me. I made less phone calls and talked to less humans because I raised those that were in my house and present in my life deserved my attention over this Galaxy Phone. Not that I don’t love all those I talk to, but I have my full in being present in my life without a phone attached to my hip. During the day I would reasons, anwser and talk as I could but during the evenings most the time my phone was put away.
We stepped up the game at my house this week, we did dinners together, made nightly rituals of reading bed time stories, we didn’t watch much TV instead we talked! It was so nice. I didn’t realize how much time I devoted to this dumb phone over human contact. But that wake up call has been good for me! I took down time to think, too talk, to get away. It was beautiful ya’ll!
With today’s society is so hard to stay in touch, our lives are so freaking busy. I look at my phone right now and I have 76 unread messages, ya’ll don’t even want to know how many emails 🤣🤣🤣 <p.s. I hate email> today is gonna be a family day and I don’t care if I respond to one message! It’s my day! From this point on If it’s an emergency, people will call me if it’s not then I’m going to allow myself to reasons to humans when I need and want to! I use to constantly tell my kids, ” her I gotta take this, hey hold on I’m sending a message, her I’m on the phone” I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to live in the moment, not in a device! Life’s stressful and sometimes if we just stay breaking small habits you’d be shocked how many big habits in your life changes. Obviously my blog isant going anywhere but as for the constant non stop text…. there’s a light at the end of the tunnel of “I don’t owe my time to anyone but me and my little family”
This week has showed me that it’s okay to step back from all the stress, not overreact and just breathe and enjoy life. This week has been the best week in a VERY LONG TIME! This week I learned that time is valuable and you don’t always have a bunch so enjoy what you can, when you can! This week has really opened my eyes on slowing down mentally, and trying physically.
Stop feeling obligated to be super man or woman. So feeling obligated to respond to others. Stop feeling like you owe everyone an explanation. You only have to justify you. If others don’t like it, they will find their seats at someone else’s table. It’s okay to not feel the need to tell someone I’m busy, im sorry, im trying. These are all things I have done and still do, we all need to stop and realize people and our friends know we’re busy. It’s amazing people care but it’s also okay to step back and stop overwhelming yourself because that obligation is there to respond.
We as people have to stop putting so much pressure on each other to be on our phones. I’ll tell you all the same thing I tell everyone else!
My brain is like a squirrel …. I see something and boom I realize I gotta do something else. I don’t intentionally not respond to anyone but my life is sooooooo busy between me and the kids I struggle to keep up with society.
If you need me YOU CALL ME , I will always awnser or respond as quickly as I can. If you text me and get left on read, it’s not intentional but life happens. Heck I leave my own cold on read somedays hahaha it’s just how it goes.
Stop staying the small stuff and you’ll start living the big stuff even more. If people can’t understandthem maybe they aren’t meant for your life. I don’t and won’t be attached to my phone all the time anymore. Life’s too short to put the humans in your life on hold for the humans on your phone!
This statement speaks volumes to me! You see, im not a lady of uncertainty, or patience! Normally those 2 things destroy me pretty quickly! I’ve never just “Let it be” on Anything! I’m normally the type that needs to know who what when where and why all the time! I straight up blame my teachers on grade school for that haha gotta get to the plot right? 😅!
Then there’s this new beginning! The one I never saw coming! The one that’s literally been everything I could ever have hoped for a more!
This man ya’ll, damn he gets me! He really does! We’re so much a like yet different as well and I absolutely adore it!
He wasn’t supose to happen, he was suppose to just be a ” Rebound” of sorts but this man gets me on the inside and the out! We have real conversations on person, on the phone, and in text! I love that he always reassures me that, im more than enough! He’s not afraid to ask the hard questions and he’s not afraid to have the hard conversations because let’s be honest…. our world right now is completely uncertain but I feel no pressure that everything won’t be just the way it should!
If nothing else, this man shows me my worth, his appreciation and his kindness all day every day! I think regardless we will be in each other’s life’s forever whether it continues to blossom into more or if we just grow an amazing friendship. For once I think I’m okay with either!
We met on Friday at 815pm and have literally been apart max of 16 hours, it’ll be 24 hours by the time he gets back to my house tonight! Yep, you read that he’s coming back again tonight! This time he left his bag 🎒! He was getting it ready this morning and he goes “I’m not sure why I’m even taking this with me because I know I just want to come back to be with you” so I told him he could keep it here and he said “I think I’ll do just that if you don’t mind”
The inside of me are screaming 😱 yayyyyyy but I just smiled and said no, I think I’d like that!
I love that the first thing he does when he sees me is kiss me and hug me as tight as he can and I love that he does the same thing every time he has to leave as well! No matter what we are doing im 100 honest, open, and ME and I truly believe he is as well! This is big for me! Normally I hide me, im scared of abandonment and I’m terrified to “Screw it all up” with this, I just throw my full self in and don’t stress any of it. This man already knows more about my past, present and wants to watch me grow more than most humans could ever know! He takes the time to learn, if something pops up exorcism an old memory or trigger, he listens when I need to talk! He cares about the old me and “Enjoys watching a Butterfly finally use her wings” is that not the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard!
4 days in and I can’t wait to see what’s to come! For once ima leave this on TOP BE CONTINUED because the story is far from done just yet, it’s only the beginning!