Sorry I’ve been away the last 2 days, I had to do me! I actually did a lot of thinking the last week or so and decided now that I know what I want and what I deserve I’d throw myself back into the dating game!
Let me tell you there’s some special humans out there and I’m so thankful that I can see the red flags from afar now!
One of my girlfriend’s gave me the idea of ” Make a list” what you want, what you don’t, what you will accept and what you won’t!
So I through myself into the world of POF, Tinder, Facebook dating and litterly on Friday afternoon I sent my best friend a message!
“Maybe I’m better off not trying to date lmao, it’s exhausting 🤣🤣🤣 I’ve blocked more red flags in a week than my whole life”
4 minutes after I sent that message, I received a ” HI 👋 ” that hi turned into 7 hours of talking on the phone literally next up we are going to meet!
Me being a chicken 🐔 🙃 was straight up scared 😱 to throw myself out there, it’s only been a couple weeks! During those 7 hours of talking on the phone off and on I said exactly what I needed to! Hey I’m looking for this, I want this! Then he told me what he was looking for, and whatnot! So we agreed to meet and give it a whirl!
let me tell you this, that man was pretty perfect! He was and is exactly what he said! We met at the Wurst Place uptown <thankfully my favorite workers were there, and a few good friends> so that helped with the nerves a bunch!
we talked ya’ll, like hard core talked! It was so refreshing to actually talk to another human who had some of the similar situations I’d been in and just to be 2 adults having a good time! We spent many hours talking face to face, he took the time to get to know the inside of who I am! When we first started talking yesterday I told him ” heads up, im writing a blog! I have no intentions of stopping, it’s very personal and it hasn’t even really begun yet! So if that’s going to be a problem let me know” he quickly responded with ” you can send me the link and I can read through the footnotes or you can just talk to me about it when you are ready” that spoke volumes to me! Not only did we discuss the blog but the stuff that’s not in the blog yet, I just owned it and there was no going back. It was so wonderful to not have to fear judgement!
let me just say, I have no idea where this may or may not lead but I truly feel like this was such a big STEP in the right direction for me! He helped teach me comfort in vulnerability from the beginning and has only asked me to be myself fully in return!
we will just see how it continues to roll! It’s nice to know regardless what may come or not, I think this guy will be one of my best friends yet ❤ ! Earlier this evening we were texting and he sent me this “I am a strong believer in the fact that there are reasons why people meet that aren’t always readily apparent when they meet!”
On the plus side whether we stay friends or move it on to more, it was probably the perfect person to help me take the leap I was terrified of doing! Starting over is scary, and he helped ease that in so many ways!
This… This right freaking here! Let’s talk about people pleasing! Ya’ll know me and if you don’t, you’ll learn I was a master of this trade!
my entire purpose in life was pleasing everyone, doing whatever I could to make everyone happy, I’ve always been easily manipulated, I never have wanted to disappoint anyone! I know what that feels like, I hated being a disappointment! what I learned later in life was the only person I was disappointing, was me!
I was lonely enough that I felt if I kept myself busy by feeling a good friend and family member that I’d always have people around! Even when those people purpose in ME, was only what they could get from me!
Being busy nonstop is not only exhausting but it’s also one of the biggest trauma based expressions one can show! If you are constantly busy you don’t have to worry about anyone else opinions, you aren’t alone because you’re always surrounded around humans or things. When my therapist would ask, why are you doing so much? I’d simply say, they need me to, I’ve gotta help this person, and famous I can’t let anyone down. That’s when she slowly tried to teach me that all I was doing was running from everything I needed to help everyone who didn’t really need me! I slowly started stepping back from getting like I owed everyone something, and let me tell you this. When I stopped being everyone’s perfect go to, I slowly found my self worth.
Waking and realizing that I didn’t owe the world or humans Anything made a world of a difference to me. Waking up to realize that it was okay to not be everyone’s hero, is okay! Coming to the realization that I really had less humans in my life that would help me or be there for me really opened my eyes! It slowly made telling people no, a lot easier!
Not everyone took No, very well but it sure did help weed out those humans who are only in my life for whatever I could do for them. Sad but true! Once there purpose in me was complete, I was pushed to the side until they needed something else!
The hard facts when this came to light, hurt! It completely sucked but it also taught me some really good life lessons. I learned how to tell people no, im to busy, I just don’t want to, and realizing I only needed to do what was best for me and my family and not the rest of the world. You can’t please everyone, in fact some people can never be pleased or happy. So stop trying! Stop giving all of you, to people who will do nothing to help you. Stop swimming oceans for people who won’t walk through puddles for you. Stop pushing yourself past a breaking point for people who won’t acknowledge that they care!
Start doing you, only do you! This world isant here for you to be everyone’s B*the. Your place in this world is to live, laugh and love. You are here because you are important! I get it’s so hard to let people go on without you, but at some point you have to say. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! You have to love yourself enough to not be a people pleaser to an extreme. You need to do what’s best for you and yours, you are not responsible for everyone else happiness!
Ya know, let’s talk about gossip! Gotta get the juicy information, gotta see what pieces of the puzzle you can contribute to, gotta be apart of everyone’s conversations!
wanna know why? It’s because so many people have so many insecurities that they feed on other Peoples, so they don’t have to face their own demons!
I use to be that human! Cuz if I was talking about everyone else, no one had time to look at my screwed up life or being it to attention! WRONG! You reep what you sow!
when I started working on me more, and stopped trying to fix everyone else around me i realized I didn’t even care to know the drama going on. In fact, for the most part I had stopped really socializing with very many humans at all! When I say I cut my circle in 7/8ths I sure did!
I no longer found pleasure in other people’s misery, and I try my best <I’m far from perfect> to stop and think before I speak, I try really hard to learn to only really keep a handful of humans that I daily/ weekly associate with! I learned if I kept my circle small and I concentrated only on us I’m so much happier! So much less drama! Less feeling overwhelming over things that I shouldn’t even be concerned with!
I had to learn it was better to ask less questions, and just enjoy the peace and quiet!
The Opposite of this is: Being The Gossip! I also had to learn how to handle when someone talks about me! It use to really bother me what every one thought about me! I needed approval, I needed to fit in, I needed to be loved and my reputation was everything to me! I set my self up for failure as soon as I gave myself 4 needs/ wants!
the hardest lesson was “It does not matter what anyone else thinks they know about you” that right there! Who cares, so you aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, that’s perfectly okay! You live this life for you, not for the world and watch the people doing the same, match your energy!
if you don’t like me, great! Oh someone said something about, good I don’t need to know! I no longer feel like I need to explain any of my actions to anyone unless it personally involves them! I have no need for petty fake humans and eliminating humans doesn’t phase me a bit! I promised myself 2021 was going to be mine to live for me, I don’t need anyone’s approval 💯 💛
Best way to stop the gossip, own everything! Hold back nothing and busy love your life for you!
So let’s talk about Coping Mechanisms or better yet….. let’s talk about skills of survival!
For me, my way of survival for 22 years <mind you I’m 34> revolved around a lot of different ways to “survive” to “love” to “feel worthy”
Gossip
Alcohol
Drugs
Self blame
Sex
Self harm
Suicide
Self destruction
HUMOR
I feel like each and every one of these topics are something that truly describes who I once was and who I never want to be again! Do I have regrets? I’d love to say yes, but No… no really I don’t! Each and every part of my past, had made me into the human I am now! I’m damn proud of who I am! So nope, no regrets! I depended on these coping mechanisms every day to survive! When I started breaking the coping mechanisms. I started finding my worth! That in itself is a BIG thing! I had to find ways to break the cycles! Was it hard, He’ll Yes! Did I cry? More than most can imagine! Did it hurt, every single day! I even joked about it too protect myself yes I sure did! I would even joke about the fact that my therapist “ruined all my coping mechanisms 🤣 That hag! She knew I was kidding but goodness gracious in blessed she helped me kick each one of these to the curb! Don’t get me wrong, I still fall short occasionally but I see that so much faster and I catch myself now. Oh hey, those red flags are super clear now and I should step back before I go back to that lacey! It’s hard, it’s hard to have to call yourself out constantly but if I don’t own it and fix it…. no one else is going to!
the goal is to talk about each and every one of these coping mechanisms in full but not here, little by little as I’m ready 😉! Some are easier, some are hard to talk about but each one plays such an important piece to my story, it’s time to let the light shine!
if you know me, you know u spend a lot of time in my car…. in my front yard! It started a little over 2 years ago. My car became a safe place for me back in May 2019. When I was scared to sleep in my house, I’d go sleep in my car. At least then if I needed to escape all I had to do was start the car and go!
after those events of learning safety in my car, I started doing my therapy in my car. It wasn’t because I needed to feel safe at 330 in the afternoon but because it was a safe place! it was a place I could roll up my windows and just forget everything around me and really focus on me!
when covid first started I’d been going to therapy roughly 6 months I was struggling with it hard! I’ve never been the type to obviousness up about much. I shared lil bits of my life but kept everyone at arms distance! Her office became a safe place for me, them covid hit! I lost that! We couldn’t do face to face work, but I wasn’t willing to give up on the work we started!
with as hard as it was for me to start therapy, all be dammed of I was going to quit now! So we started going back at it but in my car on the phone!
the last 1.5 years has really opened my eyes, therapy was such a blessing. Although it took a horrible event to bring me to it, it also has helped mold me into who I am!
I’ll forever be thankful for the SACIS office in Charleston, Illinois! My therapist is an amazing lady who has helped me every step of the way without judgements! She just listens, helps guide and has helped me to recreate a me I don’t have to settle with! She’s encouraged me completely with everything I’ve done to come from where I am!
give me my car and therapist and music and I’m ready to take on the world! Self care comes in so many different ways, don’t knock it till you try it… it may change your life, it’s changed mine!
Alright ya’ll, now let’s take those rose colored sunglasses off and get to the real raw truth!
Goodness Gracious, who would have thought I’d ever come to realization of actually seeing the truth! Ya’ll my heart is BIG, it doesn’t matter how bad someone hurts me I have always looked for the best in every single person! Everything that’s ever happened, I find the ways to blame me first! I’m my own worst enemy!
LET’S talk about manipulation! The last 10 months were nothing short of being manipulated, every single thing that happened was on ” His Terms” when we hung out, what we did, who we saw, and once it was no longer just him calling the shots, that’s when things started changing!
This man, goodness I loved him regardless how I was treated, when I was ignored, how many times I spent days crying because ” said the wrong thing” or because I asked questions he didn’t want to anwser!
I wasn’t allowed to ever make plans in advance, I wasn’t allowed to make the calls, I didn’t pick what we watched, I just did as he decided. I didn’t mind, I mean he was mine so it was okay! He’d do something sweet and pull me back in if I didn’t like something or acted even slightly different!
back to this… ” He was mine, it was okay” do you know how many times I justified his behavior to my friends! Every single time! I had to embellish him to not have to listen to everyone tell me to leave, tell me I deserved better, tell me he was basically just using me! They didn’t know him, they didn’t see us together, they didn’t realize what was behind his heart. These were all excuses I made! I absolutely defended him on a weekly basis! I justified someone who constantly was on his pof, tinder and Facebook dating the entire time we were together! Someone I justified as he was just scared of feelings and that’s why he was the way he was! He’d been hurt, he was broken, I needed to fix it for him! Never once did I question anything he did, and if I did he’d go quiet on me!
I mean let’s be honest, what ma’am doesn’t want a complete submissive. I set that bar higher and higher every time we’d see each other! I went above and beyond all the time, and I wouldn’t dare mess up! I was too afraid I’d lose my “favorite place” “my safe place” I’d simply lose him and I wasn’t willing to do that! You see for a year and 7 months before MP I didn’t sleep unless someone was next to me or close by! So finally having a place I could go and actually safely sleep was everything! I hated my house, I still hate this house with every fiber in my heart!
I went above most, if he wanted something or had a dream to have something I pushed to help him get it! I believed in that man with everything I had! I believed I truly loved this man and there wasn’t anything that would stop me from giving him what he wanted, even when what he wanted was clearly not what I wanted! I thought that if I kept him happy and did more than most, I’d surely have him forever, right?!?
As things changed, regardless how this all happened or the way it was. That man, caught feelings and then got pissed at me for it. Legit threw a fit like a small child! How dare I try to plan him a surprise party with his friend for his birthday? The adastity of me! I must be blocked for having a good heart! I definitely deserved that 🙄!
but then 2 hours later ill get unblocked for 5 days without any word!
then I was really an asshole cuz i left him a voice mail 5 days later that just said “I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, you can reach out to me when your ready!”
Once again that big Ole heart caused nothing but trouble because that night I wasrandomly blocked on fb again 🤣. At this point I’m finally done crying and I’m pissed!I didn’t do Anthing wrong! Not one time did I doAnything but be kind to this man I thought I loved! Like legit I was 100 the perfect other half, he got his cake and his ice cream 🍦 too! All I ever asked for was a couple nights a week or of that entire 10 months, a couple nights at home a week and a couple nights out legit in 10 months! !
I gave up everything on the spur of the moment for a man who I was bound determined to spend forever with because the mind games were hard core! He legit knew when and how to pull me right back in Aden he knew I was questioning things or thinking of leaving! He knew when things were rocky and decided to play the feelings game! I mean I legit gave that man a minimum of a 2 hour massage every time I was near him except the rare few times I was too tired or emotionally drained! How dare I show that heart of mine 😤 🙄
them to top it off, I get to be the villain when he’s confronted by a mutual friend ,who may I remind you road this whole rollar coaster with me for the last few months! I was the bad guy because someone filled his head with lies about my past in April while we were split up those 8 weeks! But the kicker was…. he found this information out in April, then a month later he asked me to come back, I denied in the beginning but a few days later I went because I was struggling sleeping and needed my safe place. So if this rumor was such a big deal, why even ask me to come back and never bring it up until he was asked why he eliminated me without any words and that’s the only thing he could pull out of his bag! A lie! The best part about it is, he could have asked me at any point in the last 5 months after he had me come back what happened and I would have told him! So once he was confronted about this knowledge from April, he no longer would accept talking about me 🤣! Just poof, I was noon existent, and if she brought up my name or a comment about me, he simple responded with I don’t want to talk about Lacey! Of course not bruh, because you know good and well I’ve never done one single thing wrong to you, I simply thought I loved you! So basically no one really knows if he ran because he was scared of his feelings or because I was just a pon in his game but regardless at the end of the day, he can be the ” Hero,” I’ll take the fall, whatever helps him sleep at night, tell them it’s all my fault”
I will say this, I hold NO SKELETONS PEOPLE! I’VE HAD TO ADMIT TO EACH AND EVERYONE I HAD AND FACE IT! I lost friendships because of choices I’ve made and had to own but I did it because they deserved the truth! If I can own those scary secrets, and throw away years of friendships then why wouldn’t I own anything else! If I can give anyone any advice, always ask before your assume sometimes telling you something. There’s multiple sides to every story but as for mine, ill choose to own it EVERY SINGLE TIME, VILLAIN OR NOT because it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks of me as long as I know I’m being true to who I am and my heart that’s all I care about anymore! Reputation only goes so far, but make sure you have the whole story before you try spread anything you weren’t there to see!
In the last year, I’ve learned it’s okay to let go of humans to better yourself. Some people just aren’t good for your soul! They drain your energy, they affect your daily thinking, they do nothing but bring you down.
I am one of those people who use to be “everyone’s energy around me affects me”, if your negative ima match it! I couldn’t live that way anymore! So I learned with lots of therapy and friends that it can be healthy to cut ties, I don’t need a lot of people! I need my small circle and if I get extra great and if not I don’t have to worry about it!
It’s super strange for me to realize that quality over quantity makes a world of a difference! I use to be surrounded by so MANY HUMANS! I WAS A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, too an extreme! I thought I had SO MANY FRIENDS, wrong I had so many acquaintances. It took a massive accident to happen to realize who was actually in my corner and who really didn’t care! When I broke my L3L4 in 2020 I saw who stepped up to the plate and who sat back and said nothing! That SPOKE VOLUMES to me! When you can’t work, can’t do Anything, and you are stressing life in general, afraid of how you are going to pay bills, take care of your kids, and what not it’s scary. Thank goodness for my real friends. I’d been lost with out a few forsure.
Thats when I started cutting ties and living a much more simpler life! Really that accident honestly taught me so much. It taught me that life’s short and it could have been SO MUCH WORSE! That moment right there is when I realized I needed to change and I needed to start living for me and my babies NOT everyone else.
I’ve always been that girl everyone could count on, I did my best to never let anyone down. I was hard on myself if I couldn’t do what someone needed. I needed to fix people! I had to fix people because I was too afraid to fix myself!
Thats when I realized I had to stop trying to fix everyone else and start working really hard on fixing myself! I told my therapist it was time to start digging, we’d dig into the past before but I was too afraid to face it. There’s a lot no one knows, there’s a lot that only a handful of humans know because they are there during those moments and normally once I allowed myself To get vulnerable with anyone, I’d find a way to cut them out and let them go so I didn’t have to worry about it coming back to bite me because I let someone in.
Learned behavior is such a trauma based soul fighting experience that you have to force yourself to realize!
Let me state this though! To the people that I cut, I don’t hate them! The people that did me wrong, I don’t hate them. The people who were only keeping me around for their purpose in me, I don’t hate them. I just have no reason to keep them in my life period. I’m done allowing people to walk in and out and only use me for their good, and vice versa! I don’t want to be any of those things to anyone. If I am, ill own it and I’m sorry I hurt you. Generally my life goals now are to not do harm, not be bitter, and just live my life to the fullest! If we aren’t friends, im still rooting for you! Please do you, fix you, love you, be you! Do it for you though, not for everyone else and that in itself is a hard lesson! You have to show up EVERY SINGLE DAY, FOR YOU!
let’s talk about my last 10 months! I’m 100% honest when I say, I have absolutely no regrets! Although it didn’t end the way I wanted, I learned so much about me from it! To me, that’s a win!
I met that man by chance randomly one day of POF <Plenty of Fish> Dec 5th 2020! He was charming, unique, handsome, kind, socially awkward in a cute way. When MP came into my life, I never saw it coming and had no idea where it would lead! He had told me that night on the way to meet me, he was a fan of backrubs and if I was good he might just wife me up 😹 who knew that would begin my life as a massage therapist lol! We met at old number 1 uptown in my town. He instantly told me I was beautiful and I was pretty smitten at that point!
fast forward 3 months later, we are still doing the same thing, p.s. I was pretty good at back rubs! His house or mine. There was no strings, no emotions, no feelings <until there was>! In March of 2021 something just told me I needed to get away. I knew I had feelings and didn’t know where he stood so I walked away.
From March 7th until may 7th we took a break! Let’s talk about this break! I knew I had saw a couple people during and he had too! I know because one of the girls he messaged was a friend of mine, and another one he messaged and actually went to hangout with was another friend of mine. Let’s be honest, the one he hung out with… oh this story is epic! I didn’t mind it about this story till August but man was it worth the wait 😹
the story of MP/KW!!!! She told me about it. These are her words and yes she knows about this post already and approved this “chapter” lol! I never said a thing to him after she told me, you’ll find out why soon! So he had be hounding her to hangout so finally she did. When he got to her house she said she wasn’t feeling it! There were sitting on the couch talking and she brought up so you know Lacey sue boo! He responded with ” Ya she’s a good girl” and talked about me! Ya’ll how freaking sweet is that! After that she really wasn’t feeling it so she went outside called her mom and told her to find her a way out of this “date” so she went back inside and boom momma called ” her kid isant feeling good and she needed to come get him” bahaha so she forced him out and went and picked up her son! See here’s the reason we didn’t tell him I knew! KW was planning a speech incase we ended up staying together! This speech was epic and ended with because my mom said so!
On May 7th, MP reached back out to me. I denied. I was okay alone. I was okay with life, but secretly my heart yearned to go back. So on may 10th <which is a horrible date for me> I reached out and asked to come stay. He immediately said Sure! That’s when everything started to change littleby little. I knew where my heart was, I knew what I wanted. I wasn’t forsure where he stood but all that mattered was I was back in my safe place and he was happy with me being there!
FInding a safe place was so important to me, I struggled with alone, I struggled with my heart, and with so many insecurities. That man, that man could make me feel like I was worth so much with just the touch of his hand. Our short hangouts started turning into more. We would spend more and more time together. Laying around, watching Roseanne or some dorky documentary that he wanted to watch on YouTube. You see this man, he has BIG DREAMS just like me, he’s very work focused and I was not about to stand in his way. So I started learning as well. For me it was important to share his goals and I loved his ambition.
by June I was doing his laundry, and basically a house wife to a man I wasn’t even “committed” to! I didn’t mind one bit, you see by this point my heart was completely submerged into his. We started taking random lil trips to pickup cars and what not and i looked forward to every single adventure wether it was out and about or it was hanging around the house. His time was all I required! By this point i knew I would do anything for this man. He knew so too, let’s be honest it was written on my face!
in July we started off strong. We spent basically an entire 3 day weekend together and it was absolutely so incredible. He got distant after that, I knew he was struggling with his feelings. You see this man, even though he seemed super together on the outside, I could tell on the inside he was changing. I saw it on his eyes, in the way he touched me, in the way he did everything! I knew he was scared but I had no choice but to let it be and pray he would come back! 22 days, 22 of the longest days of my life! I broke I cried, I fell short. By this time I knew I was in love with this man. This was big for me because this was my first real non alcoholic based relationship. I was truly feeling everything!
August 11th came! I went back…. this time was completely different. Complete game change. I was back in my safe place, I was happy but i had no idea what was to come! We started spending more time together. It wasn’t until August 21st when life really changed for us! I knew he was with his friends that night and I expected to hear nothing from him. I was with friends when I received a text that was going to change everything for me. It was decided I was going to go to him, but I had no idea what was in store.
He ended up picking me up at his house and looked at me straight in the face and said “You’re about to meet everyone that’s important to me, are you ready? And in that moment I said “as ready as I’ll ever be” and he said “You’re with me now” I went and met his friends, we had a pretty remarkable evening and I was so happy!
After that we started changing more and more, I could see his feelings change even though he wasn’t willing to admit them. He struggled with feelings so much but I decided I’d just carry enough for both of us because I was determined to make this work.
we started cooking, doing dinner, spending more time and that’s all I really needed/ wanted! I was content and he was happy! I’ll never forget the night he wanted to have ribeyes haha I asked him whose cooking these, he said you 😹 ladies and gentleman I had never in my life made a steak before this night! I called for help on how to fix them but we’ll in my opinion that steak was BAD 😹😹😹 but he continued to tell me how great it was and how much he appreciated me! That’s how I knew right then and there, he was just as smitten with me!
I’ll never forget the day I showed up with a mini fridge because his big one was broken. He looked at me and said “You didn’t need to do that” I responded with “I wanted to, it’s hot and you need cold drinks and food ” he then said “I’ve never had anyone care about me or my wellbeing like you do, other than my mother and I’m not sure how to feel about that” that stuck with me so hard, because he finally realized how much I cared! That’s all that mattered to me, he was happy!
You see, this man has been hurt before, and I was bound determined to prove to him that I wasn’t going to do that to him. He deserved the world and I was going to give it to him regardless what I did to my own heart in the meanwhile!
by September there was no question I was full blown invested in to this. I started trying to work on how I could give this man the best birthday ever! I had 6 weeks to figure it out, so I talked to one of his friends about opinions of getting a cabin and going to Tennessee for a weekend and trying to figure out how to do this. Finally I just discussed it with Mp and it was decided that with busy season <he lays asphalt> we’d wait till December which actually worked perfect that would be our 1 year mark. Whether he realized it or not, I had no idea and i didn’t care! He was my everything!
September was a good month for us, it brought us a lot closer than ever before. You see that was the problem, he started getting to close and i knew it was only a matter of time and he was going to run! That’s what he did, he’d catch feelings and have to run away until they wore off! The end of September I made a choice! I knew I needed more, I knew I needed to just tell him how I felt!
So I went there one night, with every intention on telling him how I felt, and I couldn’t! It was almost like he knew that was going to be my last night.. it was absolutely perfect,, every single part of it was perfect in my eyesight! I was so scared of losing him but I knew what I needed to do. So that next morning I packed all my stuff that was laying around the house and I left with the thoughts it may be the last time I ever see this house! It broke me! I finally got the courage so I sent him a message! “Do you have feelings” I do, and I need to know were working towards the same goal. He responded with he still didn’t want a relationship, he had to many focuses! He completely bypassed the “do you have feelings” and I knew right then he was scared! 3 days, I sat and I cried trying to decide what to do. I cried morning to night and I wake myself up crying again. I knew I just didn’t care, I’d settle for an uncommitted relationship because my heart belonged with him. I had no idea that out of 11 days we’d spend 6 of them together and that would be the end of everything. Those 6 days were some of the very best!
The ending I know everyone’s waiting on : The season finale of the Mp/ Lacey sage
I’ll never forget one of our finals nights we went for Mexican with my girlfriend. The entire time he was talking to her everything he discussed when it came to me was “us, we, and clearly made into a couple.” That night my girlfriend told me in front of him I had a unique personality and he agreed. I almost got offended and he said “no that’s a good thing”. That very night after we all went home, I reached out about coming to see him and he agreed. He showed me pictures of his dad’s house on Google, where he grew up, and just spent time down memory lane with me.
Then, then there was night I collapsed and got stitches, that man could have easily left me to hangout by myself when he knew I was hurt but instead we went and had dinner at the Wurst Place then came home < he referred to both of our houses as home, as did i> and went to bed watching a
a comedian on Netflix , on a Saturday night. My morphine was still in my system I was sleepy and the whole time that man sat and played with my hair while I basically slept on him! Our one Saturday night in 2 months and we were still in bed before 9! I didn’t mind, I was with the only person I cared to be with!
That Sunday Morning was pretty great, I woke up to him playing on Facebook while I was asleep. He told me about his birthday camping trip with the boys was canceled and seemed bummed about that. So after he left that Sunday I had, what I thought was a great idea. I reached out to one of his friends that I had met and asked if he’d want to help me throw MP a surprise Birthday Fire!
That Wednesday evening I went over and we had a great evening as normal. Had I know it was going to be my last, I’d held tighter, I’d kissed him more, I’d woke up and said goodbye instead of sleeping in! But I had no idea what was coming next!
We chatted that evening and everything was fine 🙂, my heart was still intact!
That Friday I was busy planning this fire and working I didn’t get to talk to him. That evening his buddy that was helping me was going out to dinner with MP and was gonna poke around with what he was don’t Saturday night so we could plan this properly! That was the last thing I knew! Next thing was next, I went to send MP a message and I couldn’t! I was blocked 🚫! My heart instantly crumbled, I had no idea what was going on. In the pouring rain I drove to his house and stood knocking at his door in the rain. You see I’ve always just went right in, that was a home to me, but knowing something was wrong I was begging respectful. I noticed headlights out front and that’s when I saw him stumble to the neighbors. I said MP can I atleast go in and get my stuff. He said ” ya you can” so we both walked in different doors. He was looking for something I think the key to the prious but he refused to look at me or talk to me. This man has always looked me in the eyes regardless what was going on and this particular night he refused. Im sure he didn’t want to see the tears! I followed him to his car and I asked what was going on. “You’re Freaking Me Out Lacey, you’re throwing me a surprise party, you’re freaking me out!” I said so I deserved to be blocked? “It’s the only thing I knew what to do” and he told me he had to go and drove away!
I was broken, my everything was gone, my spirit was stripped, my heart smashed. How, how in the hell do I get this, all because I tried to be nice and fix his birthday weekend with a surprise fire with his friends. Im assuming either someone told him about the party or his buddy helping me slipped, but regardless he found out and that was that because my MP normally isant drunk before 8pm he rarely drinks period. And he was good and drunk and avoiding me, and eye contact with me completely! That night an hour after I left, he unblocked me! Which opened up hope in my eyes! He unblocked me and said nothing, not a word, just left me on unread Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday!
I cried my eyes out for couple days straight. So confused, so upset, what did I do, why now, what in the hell is going on, this is a mistake. Then I’d switch over to wait a minute. Dude is struggling with his feelings again. No eye contact, no goodbyes <and believe me dude didn’t hide is pissiness>, he’s never held back what he thought, so I knew it was different this time. I knew he got scared! We were getting closer, he was now making comments on us, we, and things. He really had feelings and didn’t know how to handle that. It was time…. time to run! Every time we got closer he ran, ran hard and fast. Avoidance was definitely there every time.
That Tuesday the 19th! I’d sat quiet, I waited till about noon and it was killing me. You see, that was his birthday! It broke me, 💔 I just wanted to be able to tell him happy birthday! I had already given him his gifts, but I needed him to know I was still there! I still cared, I’d forgave him …. so next brilliant idea! One of my friends told me to just leave him a voice mail that way he knew I was thinking about him. I knew they were busy working on a big asphalt job so I called, and left a simple voice mail! ” Hey its me, I just wanted to tell you happy birthday, you can get a hold of me when you want!” That’s it, and i left out at that! Tuesday night I realized he blocked me again! I was hurt, why even unblock me for 5 days of you weren’t going to say Anything!
At this point KW was pissed with me because what was the point in this game! So she started messaginghim in my defense and of course he didn’t want to speak of me! So to this day, no one will ever know what really happened. Whether he just got scared because he wasn’t holding his feelings back or if he never really cared!
personally I can’t believe he never cared! I won’t believe that regardless what anyone says! That man cares, but he has goals and refuses to settle down until he hits them! Personally I don’t see it really being over! I think at some point our lives will cross again! And maybe then we can be honest with each other about what happened!
that man will always hold a place in my heart ❤, that man was my everything and the first man I was ever really vulnerable with! One week ago, my life changed drastically and do i miss him? Absolutely but im also a strong woman who knows I didn’t do him wrong in any way, shape or form! It just happened and i hate it but now all I can do is count it as one of my greatest blessings and let it be! Had I not experienced this, I wouldn’t have learned: what I really want, what I need, how to tell someone these things, I wouldn’t have realized what I deserve and I wouldn’t have learned my self worth!
THIS! THIS RIGHT FREAKING HERE! let’s get vulnerable for a minute! Why, why is it so hard for society to allow people to change and not hold everything from their past against them. People change, things change! Lord knows, Ive changed!
who I am right now is not who I was a year ago, let alone who I was in the last 5 years or better! But I hear all the time, oh your just covering it up, or the old you will come back. No, no it won’t! I’ve spent HOURS doing the hard work in therapy to break who I once was, to destroy the path that I was headed, to fix the bitterness of learned behavior! Ya know when you got the absolute low of your life you have a chance to embrace it and do better or to just fall in with the rest! I refused to settle, I refused to accept that I was going to turn out the way I was, and I knew I deserved better than what anyone else was giving me, let alone what I was giving myself.
When I wasn’t even a teenager, my life was changed for me by one person’s choices! One person made a choice, an I at that point was forced to hold a secret. A secret that would set my entire life aside from anything I ever dreamed. That one secret would create a world of anger, self doubt, bitterness, it altered everything because I was too afraid to admit it or to tell anyone. I held that secret for a couple years, when it came to the surface I played it off as it was okay… because it meant someone cared right.
I mean, in reality if someone was going to give me so much “attention” we will call it, that means I’m special to them. That means they care, and that was important to me because I had absolutely no self worth. I longed to be loved on so many levels, so why not. Why not just stop fighting it and let it be! Sounds pathetic I’m sure, but you put yourself in my place at the age of 11/12 and I promise you. It’s hard as fuck to give up any sense of love when you hate yourself so much for allowing anything to take place!
I had no idea that, that “secret relationship” was going to do the damage it caused over the next 23 years! That one secret absolutely destroyed me on the inside and destroyed everything that was in my path. I hid that one secret from a lot of people, my family, and a lot of my friends I couldn’t bare To tell any of them. I was terrified, and I was well trained and groomed early enough to not realize what was going to come with the “Hey, this stays between us” ” I really like you, this is okay just go with it!” For fucks sake I was barely a Preteen! This began in my home church, and sadly continued until I was 16! I thought forsure, he loved me! Who does what’s going on, if it’s not love! That was the only way I could justify it, and deal with it. But I never realized it would play a part in my world for the next 23 years! I’m not that scared girl anymore. I’m not that girl who feels like I can’t breathe! I’m that girl that did the hard work, put in the tears, and had to admit to myself that I learned this behavior and it was not my fault. Now don’t get me wrong, I have lots of faults, and I will gladly OWN every single skeleton I have, but this event right here are discussing. THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT, I DID NOT DESERVE THIS, THIS WAS NEVER OKAY, AND I Didn’t do Anything wrong! He’s a horrible human, but I forgive him. I had to forgive him for my sake not his, but ill never forget! This man is someone unfortunately I still run into occasionally and at the age of 34, I still want to run and hide because the sight of him seems me straight into a panic attack. The sight of him, makes me gag! Who would have ever thought one “simple” secret was going to set me up for failure in 1000 ways, I sure never saw it coming!
learned behavior is something that people need to process! Learned behavior can be deadly! Learned behavior can affect everything you ever deal with and just allows the trauma to continue on in life’s circle! But LEARNED BEHAVIOR CAN BE BROKEN, if you are willing to do the work! Was it always a good human, absolutely not. Have I owned that, yes I sure I have! But stop, stop putting me and everyone else in a bubble of “oh they are just pretending to be better, it’s all for show!”
STOP THAT, because people can change! Call my therapist, call my best friends, call the people who have watched me transform in the last year of my life and they will tell you…. IM LIVING PROOF people change if they really want to! Give them the chance, break the toxic, and just sit back and see how beautiful the transformation can be!
When and if people want to change, we need to let them! Give them the chance, let them fall off the wagon and climb back on. Stop stero typing everyone because your skeletons are so deep that you don’t want to deal with yours, so you assume no one else can deal with there skeletons! Stop judging, stay looking at them and saying “I’m here, how can i help” “Hey you’ve got this” be that damn cheerleader that roots for the lil guy. Maybe them changing will inspire you to change! When someone wants change so much, DON’T DRAG THEM DOWN because your to insecure to deal with your own demons. Don’t make them question if they’ve really changed, don’t downgrade! This world has enough enemies and crappy humans. Why, so you need to be one! Be the God, and fight for the good! Let change be a beautiful thing, not a jealous thing because you are too afraid someone might steal your damn sunshine! If you are that scared that someone changing into a better person might affect what people think of you, honey you got a lot more to be concerned with and I hope you find you a bad ass support group to get you where you need to be! You can do it! If I can change so major things, I know you can and I’m ROOTING you on!
this…… this behavior is not okay! Let’s not ever justify this type of behavior ladies! First off, I DON’T KNOW THIS DUDE! Second of all, since when is it okay for people to act like this! We are not pieces of meat, we aren’t here to serve men. I’m not saying all men are like this but this is the problem in the dating world!
I’m guilty at one point or more in my life where I just allowed this behavior! When you struggle with the feeling of aloneness as much as I do. It’s easy to just feel like you have to accept what you’re given. Fuck that! Fuck all that! I/ You deserve better, ladies we’ve got to start standing up for ourselves! If you can’t, get you some amazing friends like I have to do it for you until you can! We can not keep allowing this behavior! We need to process that if its escalated this far since the 90’s what are our children up against! I fear the dating world for my daughter but you can guarantee first and Foremost she’s going to have enough self esteem to not tolerate it! We have got to start building up ourselves, our friends, our family, and stop normalizing behavior that degrades women! We need to put the fuckboys in their place and make it known it won’t be tolerated anymore!
Rambles by LaceySue 