The Slow Down Will Get You Everytime <back to 7th grade>

And it begins! Desperately for months, let’s be honest we will say years! I’ve been the girl who goes goes goes…. the multitasker, the over achiever, the gotta keep going don’t have time to stop because I’m raising 2 babies and getting my life together!

I’ve been going to therapy since right around may 11th 2019! It wasn’t what I wanted, in the beginning. I actually fought it off and on for months and then again a couple times a year. Anytime she would approach a subject that needed avoided.. I use to bail! I couldn’t fathom bringing up the past, the present and had no desire for a real future! I use to laugh in say obviously I had an issue with A’s. Avoidance ✔ abandonment ✔ I hated those words with every fiber in my being! Those issues got to my heart really easily and would cause me to shut down. Then bless her heart, no matter how much I’d cancel or give up she would push me to try to discuss it. The reality for me was that I was don’t good in my life, why go down broken roads now! Why touch places and experiences in my life that brought sadness. So I’d avoid them like the plaque and forget that they happened. Bury them so they couldn’t bury me!

Depression/insomnia is something I’ve been treated for since I was 12! In 7th grade I was put on depression pills and was forced to live on them for the next 6 years! I hated those pills! I hated those pills for so freaking long. I hated feeling like I had to have a pill to survive. I fought them too!

If you read my very first post I released to the public, you know that 11 year old me started being groomed by someone I knew very well at the age 11, that 11 year old girl started hating herself so much that by the time we were about 6 months into that situation I was cutting myself! Not hard, not deep, just here and there. I needed to feel something and the only feeling I had was when I would bottle up everything going on around me and I’d get so numb that I would take a knife and push it against my skin! It became a way to release what I couldn’t speak of! It was my way to get the pain out.

Let’s be honest, I was probably a “cutter” for 6 months or more before anyone found out. I was always a bigger kid, the”fat” kid, the I don’t fit in kid. I didn’t have a special click I hung out with, Most of my “Friends” weren’t really friends! Most the time I was the girl people had around to laugh at, too do things for them, to basically be their Bitch! I didn’t know how to tell people no, and if I did it didn’t end well so I just went along for the ride! I desperately wanted to be loved and fit in so I did what I thought I had to, regardless what it did to me in the inside!

I hung out with people and groups I knew I didn’t belong in because I just wanted to fit in somewhere! I just wanted to be apart of something so bad, in hopes it would save me from the rabbit hole I was in!

As a7th grader it became harder to hide what I was doing to my body in private because we had locker rooms. We all had to change for PE in front of everyone else. Try being the big girl in a locker room surrounded by so this extremely skinnier girls and see if you don’t find a way to hate yourself more. I did! I dreaded getting dressed for PE soooo freaking much! It was a punishment for me. I’d rush to the locker room everyday in hopes that I could get into the only stall with a door or quickly change inside the shower so no one would have to see my body, let alone find out I had been cutting!

You see, I hate when humans say “People only cut out self harm for attention” you SIR are incorrect! If I wanted attention I wouldn’t hide it and I hid that for almost a solid school year! I didn’t want attention for that, I craved attention yes but it wasn’t for what I was doing. I was terribly ashamed of cutting but I didn’t know how else to get the pain out. In my family you don’t talk about that stuff! We had a reputation to uphold in this town and you didn’t dare cross the line to ruin that! Self harm 9/10 is not for attention but because something so tramadic is going on that we are just looking for an outlet!

If I was seeking attention why did I only cut where people couldn’t see! Being the bigger girl I wore big baggie shirts most the time long sleeve, no one was going to see what I was doing. When I first started I didn’t cut on my longer arms, I cut on my upper arms by my shoulders. In fact to this day, that scar is still there to remind me of how it all began!

I’ll never forget when I first got caught, I was mortified, one of the closest humans and best friends had found the cut marks. I knew I was busted and I hated myself for putting her into that scenario. She shouldn’t have been expected to keep that secret! She told, which in reality was what she should have done but it didn’t get the outcome everyone assumed it would!

I will forever be grateful to her and her mother because they just wanted to help! They cared so much about me and I loved them both dearly. I know they meant good, and the mother was obligated by the state to step in but had no idea that bringing the reality of my cutting to the surface was only going to make my “wonderful” life so much worse!

My cutting brought a new level of attention upon my family. The kind you don’t want. The kind that makes people talk. I had become the embarrassment. The weakling! The “attention seeker”! That stared a while new level of how the next 6 years went!

As for school friends, once the word got out…. some of my friends started trying to bond, some pushed me farther away. Some coukdnt understand, some didn’t want to and some became lifelong friends that are still apart of my life. Some kids Ridiculed me. They called me “Slice and Dice”! In fact the only person I truly cared for started that nickname, he was my every hope and dream and in that moment I didn’t care that he was making fun of me. He finally was seeing me, so I didn’t care if the attention was negative or not. I was in his existence, that was all that mattered.

As you will learn, my crappy relationships all tumble from the beginning. I had no idea what I was setting myself up for at such and early age but I was dooming myself in the love department from the beginning!

Sooner or later my cutting was no longer the hot topic, THANK GOODNESS! BUT NOT SOON ENOUGH IT WASNT GOING TO CAUSE MORE DAMAGE THAN WHAT EVERYONE EXPECTED!

My cutting forced my parents hands into sending me to a counselor, let me tell you how great that went…. about 5 sessions or so and I was pulled. You see, I have one of the memories that hold on to everything, I always have. I can tell you stories from being a child and match them pretty closely to spot on as if I just lived it. You don’t want a child like that going to therapy when you don’t want the rest of the world to come into the light.

Soon I realized it was better to just not talk to humans much about reality and to become so focused into the world and their problems we’d have to push mine aside. Avoidance was a really reallllll issue for me! If I could become so busy with everyone, and everything then A. I wouldn’t have time to want to cut and B I wouldn’t have to deal with my own screwed up life I was hiding.

My being nosey, being a big mouth, being super involved was coverups so I didn’t have to work on me. It was trauma based distractions, so the world wouldn’t watch me fall apart!

If I’d know what 7th grade Lacey knew then, I would have done the work and fixed it but not everyone gets that chance so now at 34 it’s time to put it all to rest! It’s time to wear my scars like tattoos and to stop being ashamed!

Let me state this right now, this blog is for my healing. It’s my story. It’s here so maybe some girl who is just dying to belong can realize those feelings are normal. It’s so maybe someone whose self harming can realize that you are never to DAMAGED to get the help you need. It’s so maybe someone will stop feeling ashamed and reach out and ask for help before 23 years goes by and they’ve made some ungodly life choices. This is my auto biography and the good the bad and the ugly will be owned completely. This blog is to simply bring to light that if things aren’t handled certian ways how bad it can all go and how good it can as well!

My life is not all bad, not at all. I have some great memories as well and I’ve done some great things but it’s also a hot mess express and there’s a lot of things that I never worked through until the last 2 years. I simply just want to help someone else to never have to feel the amount of loneliness, shame, and anger that I have for so long. I’m just now learning how to forgive humans that hurt me decades ago, but im putting in the work to do just that! Forgive them so that I can finally have peace. I’ll never forget but my heart can forgive and or make peace!

Signing off

LaceySue 💛

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: